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In despair - can't go on

(190 Posts)
minifingers Sat 14-Dec-13 14:24:40


Many posts on this board about dd.

She went to stay with my mum and sister for 6 weeks at the start of the academic year after some violent outbursts which ended in us getting the police involved.

Things had been a bit better since she got back, but the last few weeks she has started to become more and more difficult with me again, and started getting into trouble again at school.

The long and short of it is that she is verbally abusive to me pretty much every day at the moment and it's destroying me emotionally to the point where I'm starting to feel ill and unable to function as a parent to my other 2 younger dc's.

This morning she asked me to buy her a McDonalds for breakfast. I said no - there was bacon and eggs, bread, yogurt, porridge, flour for pancakes. I told her to make her own breakfast. This precipitated an hour of verbal abuse - I am tight fisted, poor, pathetic, a loser, friendless, lazy, my work is worthless, nobody likes me, I'm useless to everyone.

I try to detach and ignore, but she will follow me around insulting me.

She bullies me and shouts me down, refuses to comply with any requests, constantly reminds me that she can do what she likes when she like, and there is NOTHING dh and I can do about it. She often tells me to 'shut up', makes obscene comments (in the car on Wednesday she spent 10 minutes telling me how she had sucked 5 men's cocks and fucked 15 boys one after another - all rubbish but just said to disgust and distress me. I am pretty sure she is not having sex with 1 boy, let alone dozens), shoves past me in the hallway of the house.

She shouts at me and abuses me if her uniform isn't ready in the morning (if I haven't remembered to hang it out to dry after it has been through the washer), tells me my cooking is disgusting and that the house is disgusting because I'm lazy and useless. She berates me for not having a full-time job or much money, laughs at me, tries to play DH off against me. Says he could do much better than me and that I should just leave.

The abuse is pretty frequent and almost always starts in response to me saying 'no' to her - no you can't have a sleepover on a school night, no you can't have money for the kebab shop, or if I ask her to do something she doesn't feel like doing eg get up in the morning, do some homework, whatever.

She is aggressive, nasty and disrespectful to some of her teachers at school as well, and is currently facing a possible permanent exclusion for disrespectful and disruptive behaviour.

She has a rationale for it all: apparently I am abusive to her because I let her sleep on a new mattress on the floor for several months (was trying to sort all the children's beds out - new bunk beds for the little ones, and she didn't like her old bed frame as it is old fashioned, so I dismantled it ready for storage). She also until recently had no door on her bedroom - it had come of its hinges after she tried to slam it in DH's face a few months ago and he pushed it. Her room is at the end of a long hallway with no other rooms going off it so she still had some privacy. Plus her window is cracked after his cousin kicked a ball into it - not so that there are holes in it, but the glass is crazed in one of the 4 squares. Also took her curtains down to wash and haven't put them back up (no privacy issues, her room overlooks a private garden) and sometimes condensation goes a bit mouldy on her window frame. None of these things are great but the rest of the upstairs of the house is worse. It's a biggish Edwardian terrace and quite scruffy - there is so much to do that we feel overwhelmed by it. Never the less - her room is decent by the standards of the other bedrooms. We put new laminate flooring in about 2 years ago, all the (sadly single glazed) windows were refurbished 3 years ago

CeQueLEnfer Sat 14-Dec-13 14:26:55

Not trying to ignore the main issue here, but why is your house in such a poor state of repair? Do you own it? Is your DH around much?

Xmas2013MN6233 Sat 14-Dec-13 14:33:05

The state of the house is irrelevant to a degree but a teenage girl with no bedroom curtains and no door (for months) shows a staggering lack of respect toward her and her needs for privacy.

I see she was the ccause and a while without it maybe but no months - I also have to wonder how hard DH must have pushed it for it to come of the hinges.

She sounds really angry and also sexually acting out - I wonder if something horrible has happened to her. Has her behaviour changed in recent months.

GuernseyTeddy Sat 14-Dec-13 14:37:08

How old is she?? If she's old enough to be joking about BJs and fucking then I'm guessing she's old enough to be sorting out her own uniform, rehanging her own curtains...etc

I would just let her know that if there's things she's not happy with, then SHE needs to do something about them as stop acting so entitled. For example the door: if all it needs are some new hinges, then direct her to the local hardware store, give her some money for a set of new hinges, screws etc, then insist she assists in putting the door back on. Maybe if she takes some responsibility she will stop blaming you for her evident unhappiness.

minifingers Sat 14-Dec-13 14:40:03

Whoops, pressed too soon. We papered and painted it 2 years ago. She promptly graffitied the walls with tags and scribbles. We put shelves up. It's not awful but it's a bit cheerless because it's so squalid - she rarely cleans or tidies.

Anyway - point being that she feels massively hard done by and sees it as a rationale for being hateful to me. Says I have been abusive by letting her sleep on a mattress on the floor, not have curtains etc. (she has a proper bed now btw).

Today I have had a sort of breakdown. I feel emotionally unsafe and that my home is a place of torture and not a refuge. I feel utterly powerless to stop her verbal abuse and although I know I shouldn't let it get to me, it does. Profoundly. Probably because I have a lot of guilt and anxiety about not working full time and making a bigger contribution to the household finances. I would like to earn more but I have two barriers: a chronic lack of energy (anaemia which is proving hard to treat plus thyroid issues) and being here during non-school hours to care for my youngest, who has ASD and who struggles to cope in group child care. I'm not sure I could cope with working a lot of hours as DH wouldn't be able to make a massive contribution towards running the home - he is also a p/t carer for his elderly parents in addition to having a long hours management job.

I need for dd to go back to my mums, but she says she will not go and that I must go instead. I'm considering packing up her stuff on Monday when she is at school and changing the locks, to force her to go to my mums. I can't go on like this, I can't. :-(

Beastofburden Sat 14-Dec-13 14:46:56

Perhaps it is time for her to have some time in foster care?

minifingers Sat 14-Dec-13 14:50:27

Our house is in a poor state of repair because it is 130 years old and we've had to refurbish it from top to bottom since we bought it. New electrics, plumbing, bits of roof, new bathroom, kitchen, patio. It's taken 13 years as we don't have loads of extra money sitting around. never the less - her bedroom is the only one which has been redecorated and has had new flooring in the past 4 years.

I took her curtains down to wash them about 10 weeks ago - she had used them to wipe make up off her hands. She could have rehung them in 10 minutes - the rail is still there.

Her door was hanging off its hinges because she had kicked it and slammed it so many times. She has destroyed several doors.

goinggreyagain Sat 14-Dec-13 14:50:47

How was she when she stayed at your Mums ?

Mintyy Sat 14-Dec-13 14:51:46

Who is her social worker? What treatment is she receiving? What does your dh say this time?

Palika Sat 14-Dec-13 14:56:19

this is absolutely awful - this must not go on any longer. You have to have some consequences and disciplines with your DD. You cannot just try to ignore this vile behaviour and hope for the best.

If this was me I would go to the GP and say I am about to kill my daughter - I need help. They HAVE to take action if you say something like this. They will involve SS and maybe arrange foster care - I have seen other threads here where it has gone that way.

minifingers Sat 14-Dec-13 14:58:35

No social worker.

DH is supportive of me but at a loss as to what to do.

She has been signed off by CAMHS who see it as a 'relational' problem. Family therapy wasn't helpful. She has friends and doesn't seem unhappy except insofar as she hates me. She is deeply unpleasant and disrespectful to some of her teachers at school. Shouted in the face of one teacher, refusing to comply with polite requests, arguing, that kind of thing.

lljkk Sat 14-Dec-13 15:09:09

How old is she, miniF?
Your story makes me think of this book.

Mintyy Sat 14-Dec-13 15:12:04

I can't believe she has been signed off by cahms. She seems to have something seriously wrong with her.

Beastofburden Sat 14-Dec-13 15:13:04

Perhaps it is time for you to get admitted to hospital for stress. You need a place of safety when you are under this kind of pressure. Refuse to come out until they put a foster placement in place for you. Your DH can look after the kids.

I am assuming all kinds of diagnosis have been looked into? Oppositional defiant disorder?

Xmas2013MN6233 Sat 14-Dec-13 15:13:54

Ss are generally a waste of space they are so under resourced.

Does your youngest have a diagnosis - you may be able to access ss support that way.

Is she physically abusive.

All the sex talk and talk of you abusing her, (i know YOU dont) makes me wonder if there is a deep rooted problem.

I know all about abusive teenagers - police were at muy house at my behest more once over dhs fuckers children.

msvee Sat 14-Dec-13 15:16:55

The anger issues..has she spoken to anybody about the root cause?

NonnoMum Sat 14-Dec-13 15:22:46

You could try talking to the pastoral manager at school. At least one senior teacher should be assigned to Child Protection - they may have some strategies/connections with SS. Make an emergency appointment for Monday morning. Do not be fobbed off with a form tutor.

Fluffycloudland77 Sat 14-Dec-13 15:26:06

I've seen your threads before about her, I always think the same thing.

Put her into care.

You have to look after yourself and your other dc. Home shouldn't feel like a torture chamber.

baskingseals Sat 14-Dec-13 15:37:33

This is about her and not you. Don't feel responsible for her feelings.
Have you tried to talk about how she does feel, especially after she has been awful to you? I am no expert, but I think communication is the only way forward here. Could or can you talk to her with your mum present?

Understand how hounded you feel. It's not your fault.

KringleCandleLover Sat 14-Dec-13 15:59:37

Jesus, she sounds an absolute nightmare. How awful.

If this were my daughter I think I'd have to try really hard not to knock her head off.

You sound scared of her and it seems she's picked up on what she sees as a weakness. She's now playing on it and pushing the boundaries to the extreme.

How old a teenager is she? I think I'd do as suggested above and push the school or ss to have her put into foster care.

It is worrying to think how far she will go in order to goad you further,and more worrying what you will do when you eventually snap. You will snap and lose it if this situation continues.

I wish you well and hope this gets sorted soon.

MrsMcEnroe Sat 14-Dec-13 16:09:26

I think foster care is the (short-term) answer too.

I have read some of your other threads and I have had the same thought each time.

Your patience and fortitude are extraordinary but enough is enough.

YoDiggity Sat 14-Dec-13 16:19:39

If you are still not prepared to put her into foster care then perhaps you should go for a bit? Could you take the youngest two and go to your mums for a few weeks and leave her with DH as a sort of experiment to see if it helps, or if she just finds another angle to turn it all back onto you and blame you?

I have seen your other threads and to be honest there is nothing else left to try short of putting her into care which you are reluctant to do.

BitOfFunWithSanta Sat 14-Dec-13 16:54:01

She must feel very uncared for, with her room being left so squalid for so long.

Could you not cooperate with her and sort it out to make it a pleasant environment? Even if she doesn't keep it that way (and often they don't), it might at least be an exercise in establishing some trust and teamwork between you both and get you out of this stalemate?

freeezing Sat 14-Dec-13 18:37:42

Can't believe there are posts here suggesting it's the OP's fault for not redecorating the room!

If that was my dd, there would be serious repercussions - no money/phone/treats etc. I agree that she is doing this a) because she's angry - who knows why, but living in a depressing environment for years, having younger sibling with asd who gets attention she would like, feeling unloved because she was sent to your mums, etc may be contributory factors if not the whole reason. b) because she sees you as weak so thinks she can get away with doing this - and maybe also make herself feel better by making herself feel in control in some way?

So possible solutions - she clearly needs help - anger management, getting to the roots of her 'issues'. I do think how we behave is to some degree a matter of habit - if she has got used to acting as the 'bad' child then she needs help - maybe a different environment where she isn't labelled and doesn't see herself as labelled - to break out of that. So therapy or foster care not such bad ides if uou see them as giving her chance for a clean slate and fresh chance not as abandonment.

Secondly, she needs limits and high but clear expectations. Written rules, discussed between all of you as a family eg no hitting/hurting, no shouting, no deliberate damaging of the house etc. You don't say how old she is, but she needs to understand that your house = your rules and if she doesn't like it, tough; she can move out as soon as she's old enough or go into foster care now.

Thirdly, you need lots of tlc NOW. Go out, leave dh in charge, go see friends/your mum/sister etc. Watch a relaxing film, have a nice meal, a warm bath, whatever. Treat yourself. Your own health and mental wellbeing need to come first, or how can you be there for any of your kids?? Plus you deserve it for YOU - you are not the family's skivvy.

thanks treat yourself. Hope you resolve it a little bit. Ultimately, as others have said, it really is her problem not yours, but you are obviously a very caring mum who wants to be there for your dd too. Good luck.

Palika Sat 14-Dec-13 18:59:56

minifingers - I just read your first post - this is terrible.

Please please do not blame yourself or listen to the mums here that this is in any way your fault.

We do not 'make' our children - they come with a character of their own and your's DD's character is bad. *sorry to say)

I think you should consider counselling for yourself to get over all this massive anxiety, guilt and depression that makes you behave like a doormat to your dd.

My heart goes out to you....

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