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No self esteem

(18 Posts)
terry110 Sun 01-Dec-13 19:15:54

hi. First timer here but have read various conversations for a while. Hope I can get some advice for 15 Year old daughter who seems so miserable about her looks,skin,spots and mainly freckles. She spends her time looking for methods of getting rid of freckles and has asked (and been refused) laser treatment. they're ok I think but she wears loads of make up to cover them up.
Last weekend I took her to Boots and at one of makeup counters they were really helpful and did her makeup and then I spent £78 on make up for her. This lasted until next day when she said she couldn't wear glasses at school as they took makeup off! She really can't cope with anything now A few spots have turned up just to make our lives even more miserable. She won't leave the house without loads of thick makeup and this usually results in tears and screaming at her dad and me as she thinks we don't understand her problems. She said today she feels depressed about her skin and just wants clear skin. The thing is she really is attractive and has a lovely figure and is really clever but all this pales into insignicant when she stands in front of a mirror and says she is repulsed by what she sees. I'm worried this could spiral into something worse.
She's never been happy with her teeth, colour of teeth, hair length, colour of hair, nails etc etc? She is so critical of her looks.
is she normal? When she gets upset she gets hystrerical and quite aggressive.
I'm thinking of taking her to GP but know she won't open up to him.

Any help would be much appreciated.

stayathomegardener Sun 01-Dec-13 19:21:32

How about a photoshoot? A great photo is something concrete for a wobbly teen to hold onto.
My DD 14 has freckles (A girl without freckles is like a sky without stars!)
DD has set up her own business as a portrait photographer and some of her most successful shoots have been girls with freckles.
I do think lots of girls at this age are very wobbly.

pinkpeoniesx Sun 01-Dec-13 19:32:51

Poor thing, she sounds beautiful and she's lucky to have such a lovely understanding mum.
I can totally relate to her skin related problems. I suffered since I was about 13 and I'm now 22. Recently I've been using Quinoderm (it's about £2.50 from boots) and it's amazing! Within 3 days I had near to perfect skin. It's done what nothing else could, even medication from the doctors!
In regards to the other things she's unhappy with, maybe just let her change them. Hair extensions, dye etc... I felt the same when I was your daughters age and it was only when I changed the things I didn't like that I felt more confident in myself. The funny things is when I finally felt happier I was more confident in being more natural anyway and stopped wearing the extensions etc... smile

specialsubject Sun 01-Dec-13 20:51:47

no, it's not normal.

is it 'just' freckles or does she have acne? The latter does need help and can make life miserable.

she can change her hair. She needs to know that the stupid fake Hollywood smiles aren't real.

is she being bullied by some stupid bimbo at school? If some toughie gets at you for your looks it takes more maturity than most have at 15 to get over it. I know. And I also know that what goes around, comes around...

terry110 Mon 02-Dec-13 16:45:05


she has both freckles and some what I would call "small" spots which have just appeared. Again, in my mind nothing to get in a stew about but she does. I'm sure she's not getting bullied as I asked her and she said no, and she has a very strong group of good friends who all stick together.
I just wish I could stop the tantrums and the tears and how she says she hates her looks and is repulsed when she looks in the mirror. My husband and I are at a loss, apart from now going to talk to the GP which seems so final. She has for the last year or so been flying off the handle at everything, which probably sounds completely normal for her age, but its so draining when you're almost waiting for the next blow up.
I just wish we could have abit of piece and quiet in the house, especially as its nearly Chrimbo. Quite frankly I' dreading any more blow ups over the hols.
Any advise would be much appreciated, and thanks to the person who suggested a photo shoot, which I might get her for Xmas.

Dededum Mon 02-Dec-13 16:50:59

Totally off topic but you could get her to take vitamin D3 (sunshine) supplement. Pretty much everyone in northern climes is deficient in this. I take it for health reasons but have noticed such a difference in my postivity that I put Vit d3 drops in my boys morning juice and have got my husband to take it.

terry110 Mon 02-Dec-13 21:28:41

I might try that and Quinoderm. Currently she is sobbing her heart out that she's gots a few spots appeared on her neck. I could cry as I know in the morning when I've got to get to work early and leaving her dad to do school run, there will be world war 3! I'm thinking of seeing GP on Thursday but that's if she'll go. I suppose if she won't I'll go on my own. What do people think the doc might say or do?

Palika Fri 06-Dec-13 17:18:55

I got rid of my freckles by wearing sunscreen every hour of the day. Freckles are actually not healthy - they are the first sign of sun damage. Let you daughter wear sunscreen and most of the freckles will be gone within a few months.

bigTillyMintspie Sat 07-Dec-13 09:14:52

Wow, that's interesting Palika - I had no idea freckles would go if you put sunscreen on. I actually think freckles look lovely, but it's a great tip.

MrsBright Mon 09-Dec-13 13:19:33

Two things :

1. Stop pandering to the wails. None of us look perfect - get used to it.

2. Take her to a sympathetic female doctor. She needs to get this in perspective in emotional terms (not leaving the house without make up? per-lease) and the doctor will be able to make sensible practical suggestions re. medication or a referral to a dermatologist.

DD aged 13 has dry 'goose pimple' bumps all over her arms and back. These exploded into acne last year. Our GP (female ...) was wonderfully sympathetic but very down to earth about simply accepting that her skin isnt, and never will be, alabaster smooth like the adverts. 'And smothering it in make-up doesnt help'. DD has meds and these help a great deal.

Stricnine Mon 09-Dec-13 20:24:50

sorry to slightly go off topic - but as a pale skinned Scot can I point out that "Freckles are small brown spots usually found on the face and arms. Freckles are extremely common and are NOT a health threat. They are more often seen in the summer, especially among lighter-skinned people and people with light or red hair." (WebMD) they are not a sign of any medical issues unless they change quickly, please do not let her get worried about freckles as this will really exasperate any issues.

my DD, like me, is fair skinned and freckled and has had various image issues during her younger teenage years, you really have to work on the other positives in her life and not let her obsess over looks.

mine 'found' sport three years ago and, although she'll wear makeup for going out with friends she will now also happily survive sweaty and no makeup while involved in the sport. I firmly believe it is up to us (mums) to guide our teenagers through the whole image conscious problems of our society and not by pandering to tantrums or by over emphasising any of their problems.. but by finding healthy and sensible ways to improve teenagers inner self confidence.

sorry rant over - this is particular favourite subject of mine!

Stricnine Mon 09-Dec-13 20:26:54

and one thing I forgot - wearing sunscreen all year round is also very bad - we need sunshine on our skin to create the necessary vitamins and endorphins to be healthy - or you end up with scurvy, rickets and such like!

freeezing Tue 10-Dec-13 18:41:32

And freckles are beautiful! smile I love my freckles!

I think it's just the age - I remember hating all sorts of random things about my body at that age that I don't give a second thought to these days. My teen dd is also beautiful and also hates random stuff about her looks. I really do think early/mid teens are a nightmare age for body insecurity (even boys - think Adrian Mole measuring his willy!). Comfort her - and yourself - that she will grow out of it and grow to recognise her own unique beauty. Compliment how she looks. Though probably none of it will sink in till she's older and boys have expressed sufficient approbation of her looks.

Try showing her stuff about models/famous people being photoshopped - there are lots of articles on this online and there was a video doing the rounds on facebook on this recently.

terry110 Thu 27-Feb-14 08:56:09

I've been told that MAC makeup is good at disguising freckles, does anyone have any experience of this brand and it's effectiveness?

terry110 Mon 17-Mar-14 08:23:44

Absolutely at wits end with DD and makeup dramas. Twice in last 24 hours, missed hair appt and now just before school which running very late for school and work. She has like panic attacks and refuses to be consoled. I said I would call ambulance as she was so panicky at one point. Might have made it worse! What can I do? It's like anorexia but without the food, she sees something no one else does. We've got some important things on in the next few weeks and I' m worried she's not going to make them as there'll be more dramas. Do I force her to see the GP but she always says things to him that she then goes back on when we get home. DH went to work!
help, please!

Eastpoint Mon 17-Mar-14 08:55:12

I'm a mother of a dd who is also 15 & although I don't have anything to help wanted to say someone has read your post and has lots of sympathy for you. Are there extra curricular activities she enjoys or is everything looks based now? It sounds as if the stress of being a teenager, school work etc is all manifesting itself in this anxiety. <hugs>

anthropology Mon 17-Mar-14 15:20:32

if you are worried about panic attacks and anxiety and if her reactions seem quite extreme (how is she at school ??), I would go to the GP. If she is having panic attacks, its a good enough reason to say to her, lets go to the gp, explain you get anxious(like lots of teens do) and and ask referred to someone who can advise you on how to handle panic attacks. If the GP can refer her to anyone in camhs, it will mean a professional can meet her/assess her and hopefully identify if her make-up worries are more than normal teen angst.

terry110 Mon 17-Mar-14 16:42:08

Cool as a cucumber at school, so maybe just her dad and me who get it all. She has repeatedly said she won't go to anyone as she won't get upset in front of a stranger. She just thinks at school that people are noticing her as she's wearing quite a lot of make up.

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