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Found condom packet in 15 yr old daughter's bag and not sure how to handle this.

(50 Posts)
crosss Thu 28-Nov-13 14:31:22

My daughter only turned 15 two months ago, and she has been going out with a boy who is one month older than her for about 5 or 6 months. Today, I have found a packet in her bag from a c-card scheme, where, I have since found out, that under 19's can go to get confidential sexual health advice and free condoms. The packet was empty of the 4 condoms that it apparently originally contained. I am now unsure as to how to handle this. I don't want to confront her with this knowledge and risk antagonising the whole situation, until myself and her dad have had time to think it through, and decide on the best course of action to take. Until now, I have believed her when she has told me that nothing has happened between them, but the trust I had in her is now in doubt. If anyone has any advice on how to handle this, it would be much appreciated.

longingforsomesleep Wed 04-Dec-13 23:27:09

Not sure where the OP has gone, but when I went to put lunch money in ds's wallet last night, the condom mentioned in my last post had gone....

I said to him that I noticed it had gone and he said it must have fallen out of his wallet. Hmmm...

So I said to him that maybe he should replace it as, while I most definitely don't want him to have sex yet, if he was going to I would rather he had safe sex. He said, rather too quickly for my liking, that they sell the in Asda so he'll get some there - but he wasn't thinking of doing anything like that.

I now feel I didn't handle it right at all and am worried I should have done more to discourage him. But he's generally quite open with me about things and I don't want to drive that openness away.

ReallyOverThis Mon 02-Dec-13 19:12:22

Any update OP?

longingforsomesleep Sun 01-Dec-13 00:07:40

Found a condom in 15 year old ds's wallet a few weeks ago. (Before anyone says anything, I put money in there every night for his lunch the next day so wasn't snooping). He says one of his friends was handing them out (hmmm). He and his gf are only just 15 but there isn't really anything I can do to stop them.

Neither her parents nor us allow them to be in the house on their own together but I'm under no illusions that if they want to find a way to have sex they will. All I was able to do really was point out that they are both under age and therefore technically sex would be illegal. I also pointed out that, as his gf has a number of issues (she is anorexic and self-harms) she might not cope well emotionally with a sexual relationship.

I'm watching that condom in his wallet - but no doubt there are others

LEMisafucker Sat 30-Nov-13 08:33:24

At colleges they tend to have days where they hand condoms out with advice leflets. Do they do this in schools?
Thing is, it is great she is showing a mature attitude to contraception. I think we have to remember that hormones have a role to play so whilst ideally 15 is too young she will have her body telloing her otherwise.

tell her you found the condoms and that its ok. Tell her she can talk to you at any time and that you just want her to feel confident to do what she wants and not to feel pressured. Don't make her feel bad

ReallyOverThis Sat 30-Nov-13 08:11:40

Funny you say that your trust in her is in doubt because she told you nothing was happening and now you think she has been having sex. I suppose she's only 15 but iI do wonder if she was really obliged to tell you about the details of her intimate relationship?

I know that when I was 15 I knew all the rules of safe sex and would never ever have put myself at risk. I didn't actually lose my virginity till 16 but only because I didn't get the opportunity! And after I did start having sex I would have been truly embarrassed to have had an open discussion about it with my Mum and Dad. As I would be to this day were they still alive!

My feeling as a teenager was that they had no reason to be concerned and I did not have to talk about it to them because I was entitled to my privacy. (They never actually asked though.)

You know that she is being safe (and let's face it you can never be 100% sure unless you inject contraceptive into her yourself and put the condom on her boyfriend in person grin ) so it may be better just to accept that she's growing up and your boundaries are being redefined.

Now, on the other hand, if she had told you she was having safe sex, then you found out for some reason that she wasn't, or she was lying about where she was eg sleepover at a girlfriend's house when actually with boyfriend, THAT would be a reason to feel your trust had been breached.

SpecialAgentFreyPie Sat 30-Nov-13 05:09:19

I think a major problem in how you approach this will be whether you were justified in looking through her bag. Because if you were snooping her ears will close off after that.

ReallyOverThis Sat 30-Nov-13 04:43:32

You don't say much about the boy. You must have met him, had him round for tea etc? Do you like him? Is he polite, responsible, does he treat her well? Is it a dramatic relationship of spats, break ups and reconciliations, or just 2 teenage kids being intense with each other? Are they both working hard enough at school? The answers to all these questions would have a very significant bearing on what I said to her about it.

SpecialAgentFreyPie Sat 30-Nov-13 04:20:53

When I was fifteen I got the 'DF and I are proud of you being responsible' talk from DM. Cue confused WTF from me.

Found condom wrappers.

Friend and I were.... Making balloon animals. blush Mum made me feel uncool

LastOneDancing Sat 30-Nov-13 04:01:13

My dad found a condom wrapper in my coat pocket when I was 15. He went spare. I'd been messing about with some friends & we put it in a broom handle grin

Mum also wouldn't speak to me for a week when I was 16 when she found my pill, except for PA comments about 'not knowing me anymore' until I asked her if she'd found them & explained it was because I didn't want my period on holiday.

The obvious conclusion isn't always the right one (although shes in a 'long term relationship' by 15 yo standards).

Feel free to use these examples of what not to do grin

AdoraBell Sat 30-Nov-13 03:33:55

Thanks for clarifying that Conclusionjumper

conclusionjumper Fri 29-Nov-13 17:14:25

The law is not intended to sanction consensual sex between teenagers where there is no coercion, but it could be used.

I think as she has a BF you could have the sex discussion with her without outing yourself for having found the condom packet. Discuss relationships, how would she feel if x, y or z happened.

It must a shock and she is very young. ALthough I agree that hitting the roof is not a good tactic, there is a lot to be said for parental influence stalling DC becoming sexually active.

AdoraBell Fri 29-Nov-13 14:44:04

Trooper I haven't worked in this field, so I'm not disagreeing with you at all but, really, an under age boy having consensual sex with a girl the same age is regarded as a sex ofender?

Would it be the other way round if she were older, but still under age?

I know that in this case we don't even know that sex has taken place.

randomquicknamechange Fri 29-Nov-13 13:56:45

Trooper you say he woukd be removed from register at 18 if caught, does that apply to her as well as he is a minor as well?

I am just wondering if as you didn't say anything about it whether it applies to girls as well?

trooperlooperdo Fri 29-Nov-13 13:52:19

as somebody who worked in this field, it IS sex with a minor (regardless of the fact that the boy is also a minor) it just means that he'll be removed from the sex offenders regiseter aged 18 rather than being on it permanently if caught.

Idespair Fri 29-Nov-13 13:00:50

I would not admit to having found them. I would ask her how she is getting on with her boyfriend and that you would like her to come to you if she is concerned or needs any advice re birth control. Keep calm discussing it as well so that she knows she can come to you.

ouryve Fri 29-Nov-13 12:58:02

Be thankful that she's not having unprotected sex.

If you confront her, how do you think she's going to feel about you rifling through her bag? She's hardly going to be more willing to discuss these issues with you if she feels justified in not being able to trust you.

randomquicknamechange Fri 29-Nov-13 12:54:37

I think it must be very hard when you find out your DD has reached that stage, mine is only 4 so I can't comment on what I would do.
I think we as parents need to try and remember that 2 15 year olds experimenting together can be a very normal stage of development as hard as that is. And that it is very different from girls being taken advantage of by 20 something aged men.

PenguinsAreCute Fri 29-Nov-13 12:54:11

Or if they were flavoured we used to take them out and give them a lick....this was all before ipads of course and was always disappointing!

PenguinsAreCute Fri 29-Nov-13 12:47:53

Or then again, maybe they didn't use them for that! I remember being about 14 / 15 and having a packet of condoms and me and my friends took them out, looked at them, blew them up and had a competition to see who could fit them on their head like a hat.....was a lot of fun, even if it wasn't the fun they were intended for!

specialsubject Fri 29-Nov-13 12:43:48

she may have been given the card by someone else. Shows a good responsible attitude is possible.

if she is having sex she needs to know a) that it is illegal and b) she needs to be both on the pill and using condoms. She may also need to start her smear tests early as the rate of VD in kids is very high and early sex increases her risk. Although hopefully she's had the jabs.

if your horse has bolted, forget the stable door and concentrate on the training. :-)

cory Fri 29-Nov-13 07:59:14

Having been given them doesn't prove she is using them. Having taken them out doesn't prove she has used them to have sex: she could have taken them out to look at them and see what they're like or she could have given them to somebody else. So whatever you do, don't go barging in and jumping to conclusions. If you do talk to her do it gently and with an open mind.

AdoraBell Fri 29-Nov-13 01:23:33

No problem Drink smile, I kind of was too.

Madlizzy Thu 28-Nov-13 23:47:40

Don't say that you've found them. Do, however, keep the lines of communication open and tell her that if she's in the position that she's thinking about taking things further that you will, whilst you'd rather she waits, help her access contraception. My daughter is nearly 15 and has a 16 year old daughter and knows that I will support her having an implant when the time comes, but she also knows that she doesn't have to bow to pressure before she's ready to do this, and that it's good to wait until she's in a completely secure and loving relationship.

lisad123everybodydancenow Thu 28-Nov-13 23:45:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Thu 28-Nov-13 23:38:43

I agree, Adora. I was just responding to the poster above raising the issue.

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