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snooping and the consequences

(32 Posts)
stickydate65 Wed 06-Nov-13 11:25:37

I am feeling like the worst mum ever! sad Haven't posted on here for ages but really need some support/advice now...)
My dd is 14 3/4, The last 12 months have been particularly hard but I have tried to understand the 'teenage' thing going on in her head..... Just recently she has been hanging around with a rather rebellious lad who she said was just a friend but who she obviously idolises. He is always leading her on and then letting her down and we have talked about the fact she is worth more than that and I thought she had got the message. However last night I found her in floods of tears and she wouldn't tell me why. I am ashamed to say I snooped at her text messages because it was breaking my heart to to see her like that. (not something I have ever done before!)What I read horrified me and I am now left with a terrible dilemma, if I tell her I snooped she would never ever trust me again but I discovered she had had sex with this lad last week and now he's found himself a new gf!!! I really want to support her in this, what's done is done and I can't change that, abhorrent though I find it at 14. But she could be pregnant or have caught something.... What would you other mums out there do? Should I tackle this head on or try to find another way?

Sparklingbrook Fri 08-Nov-13 00:19:17

That sounds really good sticky, like a small bit of progress, but no row or heated discussion x

Ujjayi Fri 08-Nov-13 09:20:13

sticky I have just read this thread and feel compelled to tell you this: during my teens my mother was a regular snooper. However, she would snoop and then confront me in a very aggressive "how dare you" kind of way. I never felt I could tell her anything and felt very alone during my teens. She obviously thought that she was "parenting" but actually when parents treat you this way you end up withdrawing further and therefore potentially being at greater risk.

Your latest update brought tears to my eyes because you handled this so incredibly sensitively and your daughter is lucky to have such a caring and supportive mother. I have been known to snoop at my DS's texts but have handled it in a similar manner to you: they do know that you know but I think in their hearts they are pleased you aren't pushing for specifics and it lets them know that they can open up to you without fear of rejection or judgement.

stickydate65 Fri 08-Nov-13 16:36:37

Thank you for your kind words Ujjayi It's so lovely of you to take the time to comment! I don't feel like I handled it particularly well, but what's done is done! Just as a PS I have also made it clear to DD that if she doesn't feel she can speak to me about anything ever, then she should talk to the mum of a friend of hers, who she is particularly close to and trusts. Without disclosing too much to her I have asked this mum if she minded and she was chuffed that my DD trusted her as she didn't think her own did! Maybe we should swap daughters!!! I told this mum that if my DD did decide to speak to her I trusted her to use her own judgement as to whether she thought it was something I should know as I wouldn't want my DD thinking she couldn't trust her. At least I know now there is someone she would go to if she couldn't come to me! I feel much happier knowing that!. Hey ho! Onward and upward!!!!

stickydate65 Thu 14-Nov-13 14:47:02

Just a quick ps to this. DD's period started today (hooray!), so no pregnancy at least! Never been so grateful for the 2 days pmt and grumpy moods! She's not mentioned this boy again and refuses to discuss him if I bring the topic up. As far as I can tell they are not in touch by text or fb, so I am hopeful he at least is off the scene! Thank you all for your most welcome support, you were there when I needed it most smile

bigTillyMint Thu 14-Nov-13 14:57:28

What a relief, sticky! Fingers crossed it has been a learning experience for hersmile

SilverApples Thu 14-Nov-13 15:12:32

Well done sticky, you handled it beautifully. You communicated that come what may, you love her and are there for her even if you don't know all the details. What a rock.

'I told this mum that if my DD did decide to speak to her I trusted her to use her own judgement as to whether she thought it was something I should know'
My two, much older children had this option, one preferred my mother, and the other preferred an uncle. It's hard to trust, but it has proved very useful as an additional support for my children. smile
Poor little sweetheart, may she find a partner worthy of her. sad

Sparklingbrook Thu 14-Nov-13 17:01:26

sticky you must be very relieved. I too think you have handled it really well.YY to the next boyfriend being good enough.

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