Furious at DD2 dad!

[Izzy123lo]

Me and my DD1 dad have been split up since she was 2 years old but we had always told her we just didn't love each over anymore. In fact I had an affair - something I'm not proud of. I marry the man I had the affair with and we have a 7year old child together - her sister . My ex had gotten cross and told my DD1 about the affair and now she's refusing to speak to me . I don't know what to do .

[lunar1]

I feel very sorry for your dd finding out like that but she was bound to find out some time.

It might be water under the bridge now for you but for her she has seen her sister grow up with her mum and dad together and now knows the reason why she didn't have the same. I think you will have to give her time and answer all her questions honestly.

[CremeEggThief]

Sorry, but I don't think you have any right to be furious at your former partner for something you did wrong! Did you really think your DD would never find out?

You need to be as open and as honest with her as possible now, and deal with whatever questions she has. You will also have to take any flak, but that's what happens in these cases. Affairs have lifelong consequences.

[musicposy]

I'm surprised it took this long, to be honest. I don't think you can really be cross with your ex. It would have probably been better to be honest from the start.

However, I would just say that although you did it the wrong way round, for which you are incredibly sorry, the outcome wouldn't have been any different, if that makes sense. In other words, be honest that you should have split up with her dad and then got together with your DP, but it wouldn't have changed her situation now - you would still not be with her dad.

How old is she? At 12 DD1 once said that if I ever found anyone other than DH she would never forgive me and would live with DH and not see me. DH and I were going through a rocky patch at the time and I think she was scared I would look elsewhere - a warning shot across my bows. In the end DH and I smoothed it over, but now DD1 is 17 she's said she sees that things weren't so black and white as she thought at 12.

Explain that although you did the wrong thing, it is past. You can't change that now or go back to how things were and you can't expect to be punished for the rest of your life. She probably will still punish you for a bit because it has probably opened up in her mind the possibility that without you doing that, it would all be happy families and rainbows. However, people in happy marriages don't have affairs and with maturity you can only hope she will see at least some of that and forgive you. I doubt she'll stop speaking to you forever.

[viperslast]

The op absolutely can feel cross with her ex! Point scoring by telling a child something they know full well will hurt their child long term, upset their relationships with the adults in their life and have a number of other potential effects depending on the child in question is disgusting. Yes the op did something wrong but that doesn't make the exs behaviour ok! How sanctimonious can you be?!

Op, I am sorry I can't offer any advice on the situation really as I haven't been through similar but I would say honesty and time are going to be key.

[HALLOsolohowyouWEEN]

Where is the like button for viperslast's post?

[livinginwonderland]

She would have found out eventually. That's the risk you take when you do something like have an affair - it doesn't just affect your partner, it affects your chldren and their futures because they will find out and it will change how they see you.

I don't think it's okay for your ex to have told your DD in anger, but I think you do need to be honest with her and that you should have been prepared to tell her. Protecting her as a child is fine, but she's 12 and I think it's good that she knows the truth. She deserves to know why her biological parents are no longer together.

Give her time. She's probably very angry and upset and confused. She'll see her step-dad and half-sister as a product of this affair and it'll change how she sees them for a good time. She may well blame your new DH for what happened too, so be prepared for that.

[flow4]

I'm with viper: it's appalling that an adult told a child something in anger that will upset her and change her world view.

It may well back-fire on him too, because your DD1 will be angry at him for telling her, and also quite probably for 'breaking' your relationship with her dad.

Teenagers don't need much of an excuse to be angry with their mums! Your DD1 has some reason, and I think you will need to let her work her way through it. Presumably the explanation you gave her ("we didn't love each other") is still at least partly true. She may now want the other bits of the story... Or she may not. Don't assume she wants to know everything - ask her. Some people prefer not to know difficult things, and she's still young and may not be ready for all the details.