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14 year old DD has suddenly decided to go and live with her dad and refuses to talk to me

(70 Posts)
BaconFrazzles Mon 28-Oct-13 14:24:10

As per the title really sad

I split from her dad when she was 20 months. She is now almost 15. Her dad was emotionally and physically abusive towards me, and has always tried to get one over on me by having no rules or boundaries at his house for DD. He pays a pittance each month in maintenance, but thinks for that that DD shouldn't have to do any chores in the house and that DD should be allowed to do as she pleases, whether that's telling DH and I to F**k off, staying up all night on the computer, or watching unsuitable films. He only sees her twice a month and has wanted no other involvement in her life, and sees everything else as 'my' job (although he is quick to have a go at me when he disagrees with my parenting). His family are the same as him.

I met DH when DD was 3 and DH has been a fantastic dad to her. We have two other children who are aged 9 and 4. We are very liberal parents and aren't strict at all (although we do have rules and boundaries about the important things IMO). DD has a great life; she has lots materially, gets taken on holidays, lifts wherever and whenever she wants them, friends round whenever she wants etc. DD has quite a selfish personality, and tends to prefer whoever lets her do as she pleases. She hates doing chores in the house and hates any rules.

She had 3 detentions at school last week. It started with one and snowballed to three as she hadn't done homework and kept refusing to go to detentions. This culminated in her having a 2 hour long detention on Friday night after school. She wanted me to phone the school and say she couldn't do it, but I refused to as IMO she deserved the detention, and she threw an almighty strop. As punishment for her behaviour, we decided she could have no internet time for the next few days, and also that we would like to check her homework diary each day to make sure she is doing homework (we have had calls from her teachers saying she hasn't been doing homework)

She stayed with her dad for the weekend and suddenly last night her dad phoned me up and had a big go at me saying DD isn't happy and I'll have to 'tread carefully' or DD will end up 'hating me' and living with him. I said that if she wants to live with him then that is her decision but I won't be told that I'm a bad parent when I'm not. He said some awful things about me and DH. DD was meant to come home today and now the ex has phoned me today and said DD is going to live with him now and doesn't want to speak to me again.

My DD2 (aged 9) is so upset. DD1 sent her a message saying she 'hopes to see DD2 again one day'. DD1 won't speak to me or answer any of my texts or calls. Her dad says he's coming here tonight at 6 to get all her stuff.

I'm so upset. I don't know what to do. Her dad has said there is no point seeking legal advice as the non-resident parent has more rights than the resident one. Also he lives in a town 30 miles away. DD has just started GCSEs. God knows how she is going to get to school each day. Also he doesn't agree with discipline, or school rules, so no doubt things will go pear shaped for her at school.

Anyone got any advice? Have I just got to accept it?

notanyanymore Mon 28-Oct-13 14:29:25

i would seek legal advice despite what he says.
i think perhaps send her a text telling her you love her very much, that you are available day or night if she wishes to talk or come home. other then that i think she's throwing a teenage strop and being a drama queen. i imagine she'll come out of it given time. i would try to make sure she knows you are there to support her and will be available when she wishes to engage. i wouldn't get into any fights or arguments with either her or her dad.

gamerchick Mon 28-Oct-13 14:30:41

No you don't.. However for the minute I would just be watchful. Let her know that you love her and she can come home any time and let her get on with it. Don't engage with any drama.. just keep repeating yourself and let her have her tantrum.

You need to be consistent and don't cave to any demands.

Mine didn't last long at her dad's.. missed her home comforts too much.

Nothing leaves the house though aside from clothes and whatnot. Nothing expensive.. they'll be there when she comes back.

HerrenaHarridan Mon 28-Oct-13 14:31:35

Hmm no legal advice except dont let him take all her stuff.
Don't let him cross your threshold and send him with a wee overnight bag at most.

Emotionally though I would say please try not to be too hurt by her actions (easy to say I know) she is just being a bratty, stroppy teenager. She is using all the tools available to her to manipulate the world to her will. It's normal, if hellish behaviour.

Get proper legal advice ASAP.
Do you have an existing written contact agreement?

gamerchick Mon 28-Oct-13 14:32:45

I would hazard a guess from what you've said.. her dad won't know what hit him. Just watch and wait.

BaconFrazzles Mon 28-Oct-13 14:35:30

Thank you everyone.

Yes, we had a court order (not sure if it's the right word) done years ago, although contact has drastically reduced since then due to her dad wanting less contact because of his job/wife/children.

I don't think her dad will accept us just giving her an overnight bag. I think he thinks he is going to come into the house and 'box up' her whole bedroom.

I've just sent her a message via FB saying I love her, that I'm upset by what's happened but that she can come home when she chooses.

When her dad said the non-resident parent had more rights, he meant that as he's not has custody of her for all these years, that he has more rights than me and that any court will see that. I think that he and his family are behind her behaviour, pulling her strings like a puppet, as normally her not talking to me is something that wouldn't happen as we are normally close

Sindarella Mon 28-Oct-13 14:37:10

She'll be back. I did this to my mom around that age.
She'll miss her family and friends, everything she is used to.

An he wont know whats hit him. Let him pay, clean, cook an everything else you have done for years.

exexpat Mon 28-Oct-13 14:42:41

At 14, I expect she will get fed up with living 30 miles away from her friends pretty quickly. As well as discovering that living with her dad is not paradise (and he will soon discover that having a stroppy, messy 14-year-old who does nothing around the house is not great either).

Getting to school is a big issue - have they even thought about that?

CoconutRing Mon 28-Oct-13 14:43:28

I suspect she will be back by the weekend, when she realises that she has no clean clothes, been in detention all week because she hasn't done her homework and being left on her own when DF wants to go to the pub with his mates and leaves her behind.

Don't let your ex over your doorstep. Have a bag packed with a few essentials. Bide your time.

CoconutRing Mon 28-Oct-13 14:45:03

Ex has no right to come in and box up anything. No his possessions. Not his home.

CoconutRing Mon 28-Oct-13 14:45:34

*not his possessions.

VanitasVanitatum Mon 28-Oct-13 14:51:28

Do not let him into your home! Essential cloths etc only. When she wants to come home she may not be able to get her things back from her dad.

clam Mon 28-Oct-13 14:55:04

"I don't think her dad will accept us just giving her an overnight bag."
He doesn't have to "accept" it. He can shove off. I presume they're all things you have bought for her, and he has no rights to come into your home uninvited anyway.

Pass him a bag through a tiny gap in the front door and close it firmly. If it's half term for your dd this week, let her stay there for the week, get bored as hell and I bet she'll be wanting to come home by the weekend.

OneStepCloser Mon 28-Oct-13 14:56:07

Dont let him in, pass a small bag over the door. If he boxed up her whole room, she might feel as though your angry with her and have moved her out iyswim. Give him and bag and tell him to wait and see for a few days, if she wants to stay next week tell him he can come on sunday for her school uniform etc.....

Shes punishing you in the way that a teenager does, give her a week or two and she`ll be running back I bet, today she`ll be loving the attention, it`ll soon wear off.

Smartiepants79 Mon 28-Oct-13 15:01:36

The grass is always greener!
I suspect that if you remain calm, continue to let her know you love her and she is welcome anytime then she will be back pretty quickly.
Wouldn't be surprised if her Dad is not sending her back once he's worked out what actually parenting her involves!
Not quite sure I follow his logic as far as the legal situation goes. Surely as the parent who has cared for her all these years you have more rights not less. Just because he has seen less of her over the years doesn't mean he can suddenly 'make up' for that lost time by keeping her against your wishes.
Don't let him take her stuff. Hopefully she will work out who really values her.

zzzzz Mon 28-Oct-13 15:03:49

Pack a suitcase for her. Her things stay in her bedroom for when she comes home. If she needs anything else (ie girly roomy stuff). He will have to buy it for her for his house. Presumably she has things at his anyway?

As far as getting her to come back. Tell her you miss her and she can come home whenever she wants. Give her time.

BaconFrazzles Mon 28-Oct-13 15:25:11

Thank you everyone!

I've contacted her dad and said she can have a bag full of essentials and to let me know what things she would like me to pack.

I think I'll let her get on with it for a few days, as suggested. Hopefully she will contact me at some point, but I wouldn't be surprised if her father totally poisons her against me.

Branleuse Mon 28-Oct-13 15:28:09

dont give her things to him.

You bought them. If he wants to have her, he can start afresh

bubblebabeuk Mon 28-Oct-13 15:34:13

Following this as my exh and dd 14 keep threatenng the same.

BaconFrazzles Mon 28-Oct-13 19:39:01

It gets worse!

I spoke to my mum this evening, who always undermines me with my kids anyway and never takes my side about anything, and basically DD and my ex have got in there first with her and phoned her today. My mum offered me no support and was just 'Awww poor DD' and seemed to think we are in the wrong for having any boundaries and rules. She always sided with my ex when he was abusing me so looks like this is no different.

CoconutRing Mon 28-Oct-13 19:41:28

Ignore her.

CatelynStark Mon 28-Oct-13 19:46:09

This happened to a friend of mine. She was out of her mind with grief and worry but her child came home after their birthday went unnoticed by the ex. I'm sure your DD will want to come back soon.

LynetteScavo Mon 28-Oct-13 19:51:31

I wouldn't give him her things. He can buy her all new things to have at his house. She will like that. And then all her things will be waiting for when she comes home comes to visit.

LynetteScavo Mon 28-Oct-13 19:55:05

I would also let her know you want to keep her involved with the family and let her know you've done nice things the other DC while she's at her dads..nothing flash....just drop into conversation you've had her favorite meal, etc.

BaconFrazzles Mon 28-Oct-13 19:59:41

She won't even speak to me at all. According to my ex she doesn't want to speak to me ever again sad

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