I want my adult child to move out of my house

[yojylloh]

I can't cope with having my 35 year old son living in my house anymore. He hasn't got a job, he drinks way too much, I have to fund his car, mobile, drink and cigarettes, he hides up in his room when I'm at home and when I broach the subject of him moving out he explodes at me. I think he may have bipolar disorder and I also think he needs medical help such an anti-depressants but he refuses to go to the doctor's. I understand it is not easy living at home as an adult but I feel so anxious in my own home. Recently I got so upset at how aggressive he was being towards me, I asked my daughter to come over and ask him to please move out for a few days so I can recover my equilibrium. he refused and was very defensive and defiant. However, the shock treatment worked in that he has an interview for a possible job as a hospital porter and addresses me politely. But I still need him to move out. I don't want him to move to a foyer though where he will mix with petty thieves and drug users - at least he is not taking drugs or doing anything illegal. What can I do?

[BurberryQ]

what is a foyer? i thought that when they existed they were for younger people than your son.
Stop giving him money for a start - what do you mean you 'have to' fund his car, mobile drink and cigarettes? what will happen if you don't?

oh and btw he IS taking drugs - drink and cigarettes - which you are funding.

Also i dont want to be harsh but you need to stop worrying about who he is going to mix with - none of us are here forever.

no offence but do you think you might have babied him a bit?

[Rosa]

I have no experience but the first thing is to stop handing him money for his car , phone etc. He is 35 and should be taking care of these things himself. Look at it from his point of view.. free house, free food, spending money why the heck should he move out he has everything taken care of. Ask him for a contribution to the living costs .. From his benefit money or whatever and stop 'looking after him' even cooking and cleaning after him.
Set rules for the house no smoking and drinking in the house .if he doesn't like it he can move on. Good luck you sound exhausted,

[SavoyCabbage]

I think 'foyer' is a spell check change for hostel.

[BurberryQ]

foyer.net/foyers/ - i think they are for older teenagers, perhaps early twenties.
OP I hate to tell you this but your son is middle aged

[ReallyTired]

I am sorry you are going through this. You have every right to feel safe in your own home.

Please contact this charity. They can put you in touch with parents who have experienced similar situations and know what it is like. My parents have similar problems with my brother and its truely exaberating as a daugher.

Action on Elder Abuse

It may well also be worth contacting your local adult social services as they may be able to help with housing. Especially if your son is disabled with bipolar disorder.

[UriGHOULer]

You're not doing him any favours actually. I think by funding his lifestyle you've made the dreaded Rod For Your Own Back.

TELL him he needs to sort out housing benefit and get himself a rented bedsit.

My eldest is 23 and I did this a couple of years ago. Supporting him financially stopped being my role. He's now independent, working and in a relationship with a great girl. That is the achievement I'm proud of.

[foofooyeah]

1. Stop all money
2. Do nothing for him
3. Give him a time limit.

I shudder at the thought of my 20 year old still living at home in 15 years time

[ReallyTired]

I think the some posters underestimate how difficult it is for the OP do all the things suggested. It is hard to have an aggressive 35 year old man in your home and lets face it mothers feel guilty at the best of times. In many ways this has more in common with a domestic violence situation than the typical 20 something/ teen who won't leave the nest.

I have to admit that (in a small way) I look forward to the day when my parents are incompatitated and I have the legal authority to throw my brother out on the streets. I don't want my parents' health to fail, but I wish there was a way that I could force my good for nothing brother to leave home for his own good.

Sadly its a lot harder for 50 year old man who has lost both his parents to be thrown out than a 35 year old man. I think you would be surprised at the level of resementment that it causes to your daughter. I did not speak to my parents for 5 months after my brother threatened me with a knife. (They are full of lots of excuses for the pathetic piece of shit)

Actually I am wondering if the OP is in fact my mother? (Except that my brother is an electrician and he is 36)

[DontspeakIknowwhatursayin]

Is the age wrong in the OP, this is teenagers

[BobbyGentry]

Put the house up for sale on the market, move and start afresh. The move will give your son a time period to get out and find his feet in this world; good luck!

[scarlettsmummy2]

Hi, I think you need to address the reasons why he is not currently in employment. For example- is he employable? If not- how do you move him towards being so. What kind of support network does he have? Does he have any friends? Is he self medicating with the drink? Until you get to the root of the problem, no point asking him to leave. I honestly don't think he would still be living with you if he was currently capable of living independently.

[yojylloh]

Thank you. I am very grateful for all the thoughts and advice. I have a lot to think about. I do think he is 'self-medicating' with his alcohol. He hasn't managed to keep a job down for longer than a year, ever. He doesn't really have any friends. It is making things difficult for my other two children aged 40 and 39. I don't want to sell up and move away, I have a life and lots of friends here. I did try to find an appropriate place to post this but there was nowhere I could find for adult children on this site. Thank you 'really tired' for your comments. I'll have a good think. I'll come back!

[zippey]

Living away from home will do your son (and you!) good in the long term. The question is how to do that. I agree with the suggestion above, to ask for something to his upkeep, and let him spend only what he can himself afford. So no more funding.

[DevilsRoulette]

You don't 'have' to fund his car, mobile, etc. You choose to. If you choose not to then I suspect you will find that he is motivated to change.

If you suspect mental health issues then try to get him to the gp.

[scarlettsmummy2]

It is very rare that someone doesn't sustain employment for the length of time described without there being underlying reasons. It could be for example an undiagnosed learning difficulty and actually the OPs son would be ok in the right work environment with the right support. I would start by getting to the bottom of that, and if necessary getting him moved onto ESA rather than JSA, allowing him to access other services that will benefit him more.

[flow4]

You have just described my nightmare, yojylloh. I have already had enough of living with my eldest son, who's 18. The thing that keeps me going is knowing he'll be moving out in less than a year... If I thought he might still be around at 35, I couldn't handle it at all.

I understand drifting into that situation: you want the best for them, and it's hard to take action you know will make things difficult...

I think it comes down to a balance of needs. When they're little, your needs come way below theirs - many parents even discount their own needs entirely. That's as it should be when they're children: they can't look after their own needs, and it's a parent's job to do it. :)

But there should be a gradual shift, so that as they get older, they take on more and more responsibility for meeting their own needs, and you are able to give yourself some time and attention. Something has gone wrong here, and you're still stuck in a situation you should have left behind when he was a teenager.

You may have almost forgotten that you even have needs. You need to remind yourself, somehow. You have a right to a life, yojylloh - really you do. You have a right to be safe, feel relaxed, have some fun, live a little!

It isn't going to be easy. It's hard to 'draw the line' when they're 15, let alone 35. You have all those years of habit and expectation to overturn... He will complain, you will feel guilty... But if you want a life, don't let that stop you. Draw your line, tell him X needs to change, tell him he needs to move out - whatever you need - it is your turn now!

Also, be very clear in your head and with him that you will no longer tolerate any aggression. Call the police on 999 if he is violent or aggressive. They will take you very seriously. reallytired is right that this is domestic abuse. Recognising that you don't want to live like this any more is the first step... Good luck.

[mercibucket]

much sympathy
i wish i had the solution but i do understand

you can speak to his gp without him if you suspect a mental health problem he wont disclose. will he go to see the gp or a counsellor?

if he gets jsa he can also get housing benefit so you could help him find a place

maybe start asking for a realistic amount of money to cover bills etc to encourage him to look elsewhere

[Curby]

The original poster is not the mother, and has explained very little of the situation. There are many more factors involved here.

[GoshAnneGorilla]

Huh? Curby, how do you know the OP isn't the mother?

[MrsCakesPremonition]

Curby - those last two posts of yours come across as being really creepy. Was that your intention?

[BuntyPenfold]

Curvy, are you the son?

[Curby]

Do I really need to tell you my intention? Why not ask the OP what their intention is? You all seem very quick to offer your sharp advice on a subject from a random person on the internet. However, when a person challenges this... please.....