Need a chat, advice on how to help DD1 & understanding why she's lying

[Mumtomygirls]

Hi all is still going ok at home
With regards to DD1 & her arguments and outbursts however I really just need a chat and a bit of advice on a few things iv found out this week :/
DD1 has been lying about me to her boyfriend quite a bit sadly but also she's lying about herself to him also and some of the lies are so petty there doesn't seem any logic to them :/

Secondly but most importantly I think her boyfriend is not making her feel insecure and possibly he's not wanting to be with her anymore but I'm not 100% sure.

So basically I just wanted to have a chat and some Advice on how to deal with the lies/lying and also how to be there for DD1 even though she's acting as if everything is perfect between her & her boyfriend when they clearly aren't :/

[adeucalione]

Lying to her boyfriend about you sounds like attention seeking behaviour, because she enjoys his sympathy and concern, especially if she senses that he is losing interest in her.

Pretending that her relationship is fine when it isn't is either wishful thinking or not wanting to see you gloat.

To be honest I'm not sure what you can do about it, because she will just either deny it or tell you she won't do it again and then carry on as before.

Just love her to bits and be there for her with every appearance of genuine sympathy when her relationship fails.

[Mumtomygirls]

That's what I was thinking but I just wanted to hear someone else's POV. I witnessed her lying to him last night about where she was and I couldn't understand it tbh because she was telling him how much she loves him but in the next breath she was telling him an outright lie :/

[flow4]

You do not need to 'deal' with your DD1 lying to her boyfriend, mumtomygirls. She is 16: you need to pretend you haven't heard anything and let her live her own life a bit more, and even make her own mistakes! You are very involved in her emotional life - over involved, I can't help feeling - and spending an awful lot of time and energy thinking about what she is thinking and feeling.

At 16, she needs to be detaching from you emotionally and gaining independence. I understand your desire to 'keep her close' - it's hard when our 'babies' grow up... But you need to be brave and let go. :)

Btw, I think there is likely to be a direct connection between your involvement in your DD's emotional life, and her rebellion and horrible behaviour towards you that you describe in previous posts: the closer you try to keep her, the harder she will have to pull away, sooner or later.

[Mumtomygirls]

The reason I need to know how to deal with the lying is cause it's several times a day and it's to us as well as being about is sometimes :/ I just don't want her to be one of those people who lies so much that they don't actually realise.

I told her today that regardless whether I like the way she's been acting lately I will always love her no matter what and we had a little hug

[adeucalione]

What sort of lie does she tell you?

Is she just telling you the things that you want to hear, to avoid disappointing you or to get you off her back? If so, I think this is a normal teenage response to parents who have an adverse reaction to any unpalatable truth.

If the lies are attention seeking then I'd be more worried about that scenario because she shouldn't have to lie to feel loved or cared for.

'Nurtureshock' has an excellent chapter on why teens lie.

[Mumtomygirls]

adeucalione the lies are things like telling him she is ill or saying iv sent her to bed without dinner (that's happened twice and each time she's been called down for dinner then sent back up but that was years ago) or things like I'm in the hospital when I'm not :/

This is why I'm
Worried because they seem
Very attention seeking and she shouldn't need to be gaining
His attention that way

[adeucalione]

Yes she's telling him lies for the attention and sympathy, and so he doesn't dump her. She will find out soon enough that you can't hang on to someone for long that way.

But you said that you were concerned because she was also telling lies to you, are they attention seeking lies of the sort she tells her boyfriend?

[specialsubject]

have you tried the obvious, calmly stating that you know a lot of what she says is lies, that soon no-one will believe her about anything and if there is a problem with boyfriend or something else, why not tell you so that you can help?

[Mumtomygirls]

The lies she tells us are ones saying she's in school when she's meant to be but is turning up late to school and also leaving school grounds on study periods when she's meant to be in the library but we find out she's going to his house

Yes we have tried calmly talking to we about her lies and have told her that wil be here for her no matter what also but she is adamant that her relationship is going really well