Anyone who's read my threads on this board (and elsewhere on mumsnet) will know something about the journey we've been on the past couple of years with dd.
I'm posting because I've been mulling on the issue of dd digging herself into a hole regarding her responsibility for the problems she's having at school and at home. Following a meeting with her HOY at school last Tuesday, there's been no let-up and she now has an ongoing exclusion from two lessons, with a permanent exclusion on the cards for the end of this term. Yesterday she phoned me and told me that she had shoved a supply teacher out of the way when this teacher tried to keep her in the room (she wanted to talk to dd about her behaviour and dd wanted to leave). The teacher told her it was assault. As far as I'm aware this incident hasn't got back to her HOY year yet and may not get back, if the supply teacher doesn't mention it, which she may not. If it does get back to the HOY I don't know what will happen, as this is a very serious accusation, and it may result in immediate temporary exclusion, or perhaps will accelerate a permanent exclusion.
DD is adamant it's not her fault. She's adamant that NOTHING is her fault. She said it's illegal for a teacher to hold her against her will, and that if a taxi driver had done this to her I'd consider it a criminal act. She's never really acknowledged, explained or apologised for anything she's done and will talk until she's blue in the face, shouting everyone down, talking faster and faster to try to justify her behaviour.
She's been staying with my mum and sister (who live together) since a violent episode at home a few weeks ago, to give us all a break. I was talking to my mum this morning and I can hear the sadness, disappointment and exhaustion in her voice. DD hasn't been anywhere near as bad at my mum's as she has been here, but she's still incredibly selfish, moody and obstructive. My mum is nearly 80 and I just don't know how much she can take. My sister has a very full-on job, is a recovering alcoholic and is over 50, and I know that dd's behaviour is affecting her too. In addition to this my inlaws - who are both very frail - are worrying about dd. We are a close family and everyone knows what's going on. DH sees his parents 2 or 3 times a week (he is helping to care for them as they're both currently disabled and in poor health) and they can see the impact of dd's behaviour on him - he is very stressed and saddened by it. My two younger children have been affected by dd's aggressive behaviour - how could they not be when DH and I are so affected by it? Ds1 has been very anxious of late, neurotic and moody himself, and I keep thinking about what it's like for a child of 10 (who has health worries) to live in a house where there is screaming, shouting and violence going on on a regular basis.
My SIL, who has been incredibly supportive of all of us, is now obviously also starting to feel angry with dd - she can see the impact of dd's behaviour on DH and is aware of her parents worrying about DH and dd. The ripples just spread out, and out and out.
And I'm starting to wonder if dd is too scared to take responsibility for her behaviour, because that would mean acknowledging how much harm she's done and is doing to everyone who loves her, and she can't face it. So she's digging herself into a trench, turning her face away from everyone who's trying to help her, and is on a downward spiral which will end - who knows where?
My dd is very close to my mum and sister and sees DH's parents regularly. She was named after my mum and my mother adores her. My IL really are in poor health, and my mum is facing a very serious operation at the end of this year. I keep thinking about what it will do to us and to dd, if we lose one of the grandparents this year, and dd has to live with the knowledge that all she did in the last few years of their life was make them feel sad and worried. She will have a very big burden of guilt to carry, and I wonder what that will do to her already very poor self-esteem.
And yet we can't really pretend her behaviour isn't impacting on the rest of us, or stop mentioning it to her, in an attempt to help her overlook the harm she's doing. To try to avoid her feeling guilty.
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Guilt, anger, impact on wider family - downward spiral?
33 replies
Minifingers · 01/10/2013 12:25
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