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16 yr old daughters 18 yr old boyfriend & family have turned her against us

(108 Posts)
Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 01:52:58

Basically our daughter has been with this 18 yr old boy for a few months now and I tried making him feel welcome & although her dad didn't like him he promised to try too, we took him away for the weekend with us, took him for dinner a couple Of times & even to an event our daughter was going to, just so he felt included. Next thing we know our daughter went to a party at this lads house & didn't want to abide by any rules set by us :/ we said she was to come home and not spend the night there but low and behold she stayed there the night against our wishes -.- the next day we went and picked her up which she wasn't happy about, she was wearing his top, boxers shorts & hoody sad the boys mum & family saw nothing wrong with this although we had previously stipulated that we did NOT want them sleeping together in the same room. We tried speaking to our daughter about the disrespect but she completely flew off the handle & got verbally aggressive towards me telling me to leave the house & that she hates me etc etc.... Me never hearing such painful things from either of my daughters before was completely shocked & it tore me to pieces but stupidly I told her to leave if she hated me that much sad 20 minutes later she walked out & turned to this lad & his family. She made the argument out to be worse then it actually was & they took her in, I kept texting but she wouldn't reply to me, I texted her boyfriend asking if he had heard from her & if she was safe but he wasn't replying to me, at this point myself, my other daughter & the girls dad had got in our cars & were searching the town & neighbouring villages for signs of our daughter. After 3 hours of searching & unreplied to txts we went to the boyfriends mothers house I knocked & asked if they had heard from our daughter & the mother said no! While walking away from the front door back to the car I had that mothers instinct & I knew she was lying to me sad a half hour later our youngest daughter went to the boyfriends house & knocked on the door & his older sister came to the door & again lied to my youngest who was in tears in the pouring rain on their doorstep.
Within 10 minutes we then got a txt from our eldest daughter saying that she was at there house & didn't want to speak or see us. We then knew for sure she was safe so left her there the night to calm down. This went on for 6 days! She stayed there & the boyfriend & his family made it feel like a holiday to our daughter while we were sat at home feeling like our world had been tipped upside down because our daughter wasn't replying to us at all. We then found out she was lying to them about us BUT they still believe her, we also found out the boys mother had let them have sex in the house the whole time sad then we found out they were trying to go to the council & get my daughter a one bedroom flat they called the police out in us because apparently we were pestering them because we was trying to find out what was going on & how our daughter was? Since then we got our daughter home but she is still disrespectful & when she was told she wasn't going out at 9:15pm the other night she texted her boyfriend & his mother & told them that she had had a bad row with her father & had walked out & was scared to go home because he grabbed her -.- they then called the police to arrest him sadluckily this was untrue, her dad had simply said she was not going out as it was late & she was grounded (he had NOT grabbed her at all) the police realised this was the case & brought her home. But all she does now is show her boyfriend & his family respect & lie about us to gain whatever she wants from his family & I'm sick of it, iv got to the point where I don't want to lose her but if she walks out again I'm just going to let her get on with it :/

He has changed her & I just want some advice on how to get her away from him & his immoral family

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 08:40:38

To answer the questions above
Our eldest daughter told us about the hand down knickers thing & the drink & the mother telling them to sleep in the same room as apparently there wasn't enough space for our daughter elsewhere.

Up until now I had a very open relationship with my daughter & she has spoken to me about quite a lot of things.

Yes it's interfering with her schooling as he is at the same school as her and she's been skipping study periods to go back to his house.

It's not a case of us wanting to keep her 12 at all, it's a case of trying to protect her.

The hard liquor drinking isn't occasional it's at least 4 nights a week.

Also I did not send our youngest daughter to their door in tears, she wanted to go to the door and when she walked the 20 feet from the at to the door she wasn't crying it was while standing at the door she became tearful.

In my opinion whether it's agreed with or not the parents of the lad should've spoken to us to see what was going on as they didn't know us at all and hadn't met us. I offered mediation but it was refused.

Now whenever our daughter wants to see him regardless of what homework she has to do she just shouts at us that's she's going to see him whether we like it or not and walks out for the rest of the evening and strolls in at midnight then moans at us when we try and wake her up in time for school (we are actually facing that one this morning, she was meant to be in school by now but she will not get out of bed because she went out with him and was talking till early hours in the morning.

This boy has alienated her from her peer group so that hardly any of them even bother with her anymore and the ones that do still bother with her are nearly walking away because she completely ignores them, but he makes sure he goes out a couple of nights a week with other girls and tells our daughter this but doesn't invite her along.

It's a whole big tangled mess & I came on here for advice not for someone to start making assumptions about me. Everything I have said on here has come from my daughters own mouth apart from the thing about her friends walking away, that has come from the friends mouths when they have spoken to us with their concerns on how he seems to be controlling her :/

Ursula8 Mon 30-Sep-13 08:42:27

I agree with other posters. She is 16, not 11. She is a young adult and has every right to live wherever she likes, have sex with whomever she chooses. You sound really controlling OP. It does not surprise me that she has chosen to try to run away from you and possibly gone from the frying pan into the fire.
Back off. If she can see you will treat her as an adult she may choose to re-establish some kind of relationship with you.

Ursula8 Mon 30-Sep-13 08:42:38

I agree with other posters. She is 16, not 11. She is a young adult and has every right to live wherever she likes, have sex with whomever she chooses. You sound really controlling OP. It does not surprise me that she has chosen to try to run away from you and possibly gone from the frying pan into the fire.
Back off. If she can see you will treat her as an adult she may choose to re-establish some kind of relationship with you.

JustinBsMum Mon 30-Sep-13 09:04:16

He seems to have her under his thumb. Arranging contraception with her would be my first plan.

Might the school choose to chat to her about the consequences of failed exams next spring?

clam Mon 30-Sep-13 09:16:51

Is she in Year 11 or 12?
If she's Yr 12, how did she get on in her GCSEs? did she take them before or during her relationship with this bloke?

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 09:19:59

We have sorted out the mini pill and hoping she will take it as promised? We also encouraged her when she got to the age of 16 to carry a condom with her so that if it happened she would be prepared even though it was not our personal wish. What scares us is they have both descussed baby names :/

We have spoken to the school and they have explained that if she doesn't pull her weight and show some responsibility for herself they will kick her off the course as she only just scraped onto the course in the first place. I'm at my wits end because she is walking a very thin line with the school already and her skipping lessons is not doing her any favours at all.

Another problem she faces is that her part time job have said they do not want her working there with all this disruption because it's bad for business so she has even lost work because of it all.

It just seems that she's gone from a very loving, funny hard working young lady to a don't care about anyone else, only happy while with him & cba to work or do school work girl.

From a mum still trying to get her daughter out of bed and to school an hour late :/ time for a cup of tea I think?

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 09:23:12

She's currently yr 12 and yes she was with him while taking exams and literally scraped in on the lowest route possible, she would not study when she was meant to and even when her old friends set up study sessions she blanked them and went out with this lad even though she told us she was at the library studying

noddyholder Mon 30-Sep-13 09:24:22

I would be just like you and I am pretty liberal I think! 16 and in ft education is still a child my ds is 19 and at uni and he is a complete different kettle of fish to who he was and what he needed at 16. I think you need to step back ad let her flounder which she will I am sure of it.

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 09:36:37

I'm glad there's a light at the end of the tunnel and that it gets better? I'm just worried that's all she's a good person really and some days that shines through

alreadytaken Mon 30-Sep-13 09:40:44

This not AIBU and the OP is understandably concerned about a 16 year old having sex without contraception, drinking and missing school. She needs support. It was helpful to present the picture from the other family's point of view but really they should have either got the girl to send a message saying she was safe with friends or told the OP she was there and they felt it was better to leave her to calm down.

Legally your daughter can live where she pleases, although the police would try to encourage her to come home, and it is possible that she would have a baby with this boy to get a flat. Therefore the least bad course of action is to accept that she will sleep with the boy, arrange contraception (as you have) and wait for her to see him as he really is. If he is going out with other girls and cheated on his last girlfriend it probably won't be long before news of another girl gets onto Facebook/ comes via her friends.

Meanwhile concentrate on trying to keep her on the course and in part-time work so she has work experience if she fails the course. There will be other study routes available later if she messes this up but if she gets a bad work record it will be more difficult to find work later. If she does have a baby now without the means to support it life will be very tough for her. If she likes reading get her a copy of Anne Fine's Flour Babies.

I am concerned about the comment that the disruption is bad for business. Have you been arguing with her at work? If so you need to apologise to her employer and make it clear it won't happen again.

aturtlenamedmack Mon 30-Sep-13 09:56:14

My mum could have written tour post when I was 16.
From my perspective at the time I was in love and my parents were trying to prevent me from being with the person that I was in love with.
I felt that I was an adult and that my parents should just leave me to get on with what I wanted to do.
I didn't feel that they were concerened about my wellbeing, just that they didn't like my boyfriend.
It took me until I was 20 to understand that they had my best interests at heart. Until then I behaved badly towards them and lived with my boyfriend.
I can see now that my decisions were terrible and I can completely understand their concern but as I say, up until about the age of 20 I felt that they didn't like/love me and were just trying to make my life difficult.
My advice to you would be to offer your daughter support and to try not to be critical of her. Avoid confrontation and just try to form a relationship with her that will leave her comfortable enough to return home to you if she needs to.
I remember being very unhappy for at least 2 years before me and my boyfriend split up but not feeling as though I could return home because my relationship with my parents was in tatters.
I know that this will be difficult to do but speaking as someone with experience of the other perspective i think this is what would have helped me the most and encouraged me to return to my family more quickly.

noddyholder Mon 30-Sep-13 09:58:00

The good in her and everything you have taught her all the love etc will come into play in the next few years My ds was an arse a 16 and now he is an angel. He wouldn't listen to anything and was sooomdisrespectful I stood back and he saw the light. And he can even acknowledge the crap he gave us and shakes his head at his own stupidity but it's a difficult age for some. Keep loving her but you don't have to like her ATM

aturtlenamedmack Mon 30-Sep-13 10:00:17

Just to add, while this was happening I messed up school and left without qualifications. I am now doing a masters (aged 25) and have managed to get back on track.
Although it is far from ideal, if she does mess up at school it doesn't mean she won't ever be able to return.
As I say, support her as best you can and make sure she is comfortable in your home so that she can return if she needs to.

chocoluvva Mon 30-Sep-13 10:06:22

How upsetting for you. You have every right to be very annoyed with her BF's family. It's unfortunate that they are irresponsible and happy to comply with your DD's BF's wishes at the expense of your DD. If they were nicer they'd have sent your DD home and ensured that you were happy with any arrangements, especially as she is significantly younger than their DS. She won't see it like that at the moment though.

It's unfortunate that you reacted strongly to her staying over. She will have been embarrassed in front of him and his family and extremely annoyed with you for 'treating her like a child/being controlling' as she will see it.

I wish I'd been more positive about my 15YO's BF and his family (who were a mini-version of your DD's BF's family from the sounds of it) when they were first going out. Of course she preferred being there with his older sibling and 'cool' mum. What a refreshing change from her nagging mum!
Don't make negative comments about her BF or his family or give her any more reason to rebel against you by seeing him against your wishes. Avoid creating any dramas, as the drama will be part of her enjoyment of her relationship. Be loving and supportive. Comment on anything positive she does. Bolster her self-esteem. Ensure she feels respected, loved and valued in her own home to lessen the appeal of being in his home. The relationship will end. Try to stay calm.

I think the posters who have criticised you for overreacting are making good points about your DD's reasonable expectation to be allowed to sleep with her BF now she's 16. But I sympathise with your anger at her BF's family. It puts you in a very difficult situation. They are taking advantage of her inexperience. Don't comment on them though. And pretend to be interested in your DD's BF. Cook him his favourite dinner and gush all over him. Have a wine or beer with your dinner perhaps. You'll allow your DD to see him and his family for what they are.

flowers from me.

chocoluvva Mon 30-Sep-13 10:07:21

x-posted. Same advice. Try not to panic.

chocoluvva Mon 30-Sep-13 10:09:25

I'm so glad you've had supportive posts while I was taking forever to type.

pictish Mon 30-Sep-13 10:23:45

Good post turtle.

This is a teenage rebellion. She is infatuated with this boy, and nothing on earth will change that except her own maturity and awareness.
You must change tack. Instead of saying "this boy and his family have changed my daughter", think of it as your daughter's own decision and responsibility. Stop blaming them - she will only see that as further evidence of your misunderstanding of their love, and how you just don't like him.
In other words, don't give her anything to rebel against. Be neutral about the boy, even if he makes you gip.

She is going through a very intense and all consuming first love, and by God can that be powerful!

I'm sorry to say that she does sound disengaged from her studies, and to be honest, I don't think she'll recover that sufficiently and make a fist of it. I think she'll let that slide. It's a shame and very frustrating for you as a parent to watch - I understand that you must want to shake her...but try to remind yourself that school isn't the last chance. If it all falls to shit, there are other paths into education. All will certainly not be lost.

For the time being I think you need to repair your relationship with your daughter. No more turning up with weeping siblings ok? Stop thinking of them as a cult out to warp your dd, and realise that the decisions she is making, poor though they are, are her responsibilty. I agree that the lad is most likely manipulating and influencing your dd, but no amount of telling her that will bring her round. She will dig her heels in further rather than admit you were right.

You need to play the long game and make sure that she feels comfortable in coming to you when his glitter does begin to tarnish. Which it will.

It's actually quite a critical situation. Prioritise! Your relationship is paramount above all else...even school. x

chocoluvva Mon 30-Sep-13 10:26:07

"play the long game"

"Your relationship is paramount above all else"

That's it in a nutshell.

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 10:30:48

Sorry I don't understand the abbreviations used so may look like I'm being ignorant but I'm not :/

I have told her I will always love her no matter what and iv told her daily that I'm here for her and love her and her sister equally

She is back home now but seems somewhat vacant if that makes sense?

I finally managed to get her into school 20 minutes ago (nearly 2 hours late)

We wouldn't mind if this lad was respectful to her and had her best interests at heart but from what we've been told he tells his sister & friends about things he gets upto with our daughter and he isn't fussed about her having time off of school because he himself got kicked off of his course 2 years ago and is having to repeat it all now

She just seems to be losing everything just to be with him :/

No we hardly ever argue at home, the work was saying this because she went in and boasted about running away to them and asked for an advance on her wages

The only rules we set for our daughter before all this happened was that she has to put her education first and then when she has done her homework she can go and see him as long as she is home by 10pm each night

Thank you all for support

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 10:38:09

Pictish, choccoluvva she is home now thankfully (well not literally as just managed to get her off to school 2 hours late) and yes I agree it's the long game that needs to be played and iv not mentioned to her how much this boy irritates us because as you say she will see that as another excise to rebel. I just want her to believe in herself again and stop this whole "I hate myself" attitude that she seems to have adopted recently. She did apologise eventfully for saying she hates me and telling me to F off cause no one wants me here anymore :/ I assured her I will always forgive her.

Just needed to post here to try and keep my sanity during this long game that I'm having to play

And to turtleMack thank you it's much appreciated to hear from you & to know that you're now back on track is great to know cause it gives me hope smile

CeliaFate Mon 30-Sep-13 10:39:35

You need to try and engage with her and find out what she wants.

Is she happy in her relationship?

It sounds as though she is struggling and rebelling against your rules.

Try and talk to her - you need to compromise on some things if you want to maintain a relationship with her.

Is there a peer counsellor at school who could help?

Would your dd agree to you speaking to the head of year?

You've had a hard time on this thread when you've come here for advice and support. I hope you can get your dd to realise how destructive her behaviour could be if it continues.

alreadytaken Mon 30-Sep-13 10:40:15

the best way to get something through to young people is usually from other young people. Her older sister could talk to her or any older cousins. Sometimes they will pay more attention to grandparents.

Spoiling/fussing over the boy may encourage teenage rebellion to cut in against him.

Mumtomygirls Mon 30-Sep-13 10:55:45

She is struggling but seems to not want to admit it?
She shouts more then talks but that is a sign that something isn't right and that she is aware that something's not right but doesn't want to admit it to us yet. So we have just calmly asked her not to keep shouting and that we are here when she needs to talk and her reply is always "why are you saying need to talk? It's like you're saying things are going wrong between me & BF" so we just let it slide as not to cause any arguments.

we have compromised and said that she is allowed to see him the only rule we are strict on is that she does her school work

@alreadytaken fuss over the boy? Do you mean for us to act like we are overly accepting of him? Like reverse psychology?

CeliaFate Mon 30-Sep-13 11:07:01

It's very hard to admit when you're wrong as a teenager.

Would you be willing to welcome him into your home so they spend time with you?

The other thing I would try is to fund something she takes an active interest in so she would spend time away from him out of choice.

ubik Mon 30-Sep-13 11:08:36

They got her to have sex responsibly????? By advising she gets the morning after pill? That's responsible behaviour??

Op I think you are going to have to let her make mistakes and be there when it all goes wrong. So sorry fir your situation but you can't force her to bend to your rules anymore, sensible as they are...sad

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