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A year to go before uni and already I feel depressed!

(19 Posts)
skyblue11 Sat 21-Sep-13 09:39:27

I have one DD. I have thrown myself into the parenting thing for the last 17 years, always putting her first, even to the extent of getting a term time job so I could be there at the school gate and have holidays with her, so much so I thought we had a good relationship. She knows I will be upset and got mad at me this week as I got a little teary which I know is normal.
Then she said I was being selfish and had to stop being like this as I was upsetting her and that wasn't fair on her. I do feel upset at this comment as she has been my life and I am annoyed at myself for perhaps doing too much for her and making her selfish in this way. Why don't my feelings count I am always at the back of the queue.
I know I will be bereft as my relationship with DH isn't that good and the thought of us being alone without her is bad.
I feel I can't even talk about it as right now I feel so emotional. How I wished I had had other kids to divert my attention, I even get grief about her being an 'only' child!

claraschu Sat 21-Sep-13 09:53:10

I have just relinquished my PFB, my best companion, (I have 2 other children, who are not as chatty as he is), my friend and comrade for 18 years. It is hard to let go. He now has no interest in talking to me, and doesn't even want to get emails too often. I think they need to do this, to take charge of their own life. It doesn't mean that you are any less loved and appreciated, just that they are spreading their own wings. I keep telling myself that he will come back (as long as he doesn't end up with a partner who excludes us).

FernieB Sat 21-Sep-13 10:00:15

It's a difficult situation. Your DD is probably nervous and emotional too about the prospect of Uni. It's enough for her to have to deal with her feelings, she won't want and shouldn't have to deal with an emotional mother. You have a year to prepare her for the next stage, so instead of getting maudlin why not throw yourself into making sure she can cook, clean, manage her money and organise herself to study. At the same time start thinking about what you want to do. You could retrain and start a new career, pursue an interest - anything at all.

skyblue11 Sat 21-Sep-13 10:09:16

I need to find a new hobby, but like Claraschu said they need to take charge, she is already doing that I know but as a Mum it's so hard to let go when it's been the whole of your life for the last 17 years.
Fernie I am trying to keep my feelings under wraps as like you say she'll have enough on but its hard, so hard

Bonsoir Sat 21-Sep-13 10:10:02

You do have to move on and telling her how you feel isn't fair on her.

madeofkent Sat 21-Sep-13 18:27:16

I know how you feel, but you have to hide it. Otherwise you will scare her away, I have seen it happen to a friend. I had to take my son to Uni today and the urge to call him now that I am back home is so great, but I shan't. My empty-nest worries started last year at this time too - the last time you do everything. The last concert, the last sports day and so on. But you need to start teaching her about money, take her round the supermarkets and show her how to eat healthily for little, teach her to cook if she doesn't already, how to sew buttons on and try to remember how you learnt when you were her age. My son has cooked for us every night for the last four weeks.

Let's face it, she knows you love her. She needs you too, she isn't going to disappear unless you smother her. But I used to fantasise about my son working from home, I have to let him go, he needs young company and a life of his own. I shan't be around for ever. If he chooses to come back home that is up to him. My daughter came back and went again three times before she finally left for good, as do many children, so don't despair. Now she has children of her own she is here three weeks a year to get a break and we are in contact every day, but when she was 22 I barely heard from her at all.

CaptainSweatPants Sat 21-Sep-13 18:30:31

You have to remember your her parent & at this stage not her best friend
If you're too suffocating you'll scare her off
Could you refocus on dh or think about leaving him if the relationship isn't great?

aleene Sat 21-Sep-13 18:32:16

It does sound like you are putting too much pressure on her. You are crying about the thought of her leaving in 12 months. Yikes, that is a lot for her to cope with. Please do as the other posters said and hide these feelings and let her live her life.

FIFIBEBE Sat 21-Sep-13 19:00:53

I have a 17 year old son, an only child and we are very close. I am really conscious that I need to control my words around him this year. I am excited for him and encouraging him to do his very best with his A2s and focusing on things that will help him leave well. We cook together and talk about budgeting and I try to make him realise just how expensive everything is. I could be heartbroken but am trying really hard to put plans in place for lots of exciting and time consuming things next October such as a holiday and beginning to plan a new kitchen, bit of decorating etc. I know it will be hard and planning doesn't prevent how empty this house will feel but being aware (as you are) is half the battle. I am really looking forward to eating and cooking what I like and not bothering with the teenage boy massive grazing habits. Good luck.

Renniehorta Sun 22-Sep-13 08:51:50

I am a single parent with one precious ds. I have been through this and have come out the other side. I was distraught when I took my son off to uni 5 years ago. However my upset did not last long. Within a week he was home for a visit. When I went to uni I went for the term, that seems to have changed. I saw loads more of my son than my parents saw of me as a student.

I used to go and visit occasionally and we would have a meal together. He had a year abroad and I visited him twice. It opened up my life, as I had to get over my fear of flying in order to do that.

Ask yourself the question would you rather she did not go. I am sure that the answer is no. If you are over emotional each time she leaves to go back to uni will she want to come and visit you?

I am now in the situation where I have him back living at home, looking for a job. I now feel slightly resentful that I have lost my independence.

You will adapt, don't guilt trip your dd, you may well alienate her.

stantonherzlinger Sun 22-Sep-13 09:11:07

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Chottie Sun 22-Sep-13 14:59:34

Please don't put any more pressure on your DC. There is enough pressure on getting the grades and going to uni anyway. You need to turn this around and be proud. Proud of your DC for their achievements, proud of yourself for encouraging and nuturing your DC so they have confidence and ability to go.

Please take a step back and be joyful and remember it is about your DC and not about you........ I am not trying to be negative, but remembering we are talking about a young person on the brink of an exciting adventure called life. Make some plans for the future, join a group or club connected with one of your interests.

Maryz Sun 22-Sep-13 15:05:49

As a parent of an adult child who won't go to university, and will probably be living with us for the rest of his life I find it hard to sympathise.

You have done your best to bring her up - now let her go. If you willingly and lovingly let her go, she will come back to you. If you cling on, she will run as fast and as far as she can.

It isn't your DD's fault you put your life on hod for her - I'm a SAHM to my 3 but I very much hope I won't try to make them feel they owe me anything - our decision to have them and our decision to bring them up the way we are, not theirs.

The parent child relationship isn't meant to be an equal one, and she doesn't owe you and shouldn't have to be your emotional crutch. She is not being selfish IMO, any more than she needs to be at her life stage!

BackforGood Sun 22-Sep-13 15:22:51

So many wise words on here.
Surely we all aim to bring them up to be independent adults ? Not that it won't be strange and quiet when they go, but parents should be proud they have brought up independent children, not suffocating them and making them feel guilty for living their own lives.

whois Sun 22-Sep-13 15:38:32

I got a little teary which I know is normal

About her going to uni in a years time? That's is seriously not normal. Not infront of her anyway!

Your goal should be to have brought up an independent adult who is fully equipped to enjoy life and its challanges. She's not going to walk out of the door next year and never come back, uni is such a transition and you need to be able to support her. Crying and wanting her home with you is not helpful. It's not about you any more.

cory Sun 22-Sep-13 20:26:14

Try to see it from her perspective. What she can see is a whole 12 month of you piling on the guilt and make her feel more and more bad about herself: yet if she did wimp out and says she won't go she would feel guilty about that. She can't win this one and she knows it. All she can see is that you are going to make her feel horribly guilty and that she will be needed to prop you up rather than (in the natural order of things) look to you to give her courage in the face of this new and scary part of her life.

I am just beginning to think that my own dd might go off to university or similar in 2 years' time. 6 months ago I thought I was going to lose her to suicide. A year ago I never thought she would lead an independent life at all as she was severely depressed, hiding under the blankets and unable to cope with even an ordinary school day. But all through that I had to stay calm and strong and not burden her with the guilt of my feelings on her. Because I had no right to lay that on her, that was not part of her responsibilities.

I can't even begin to describe what it feels like to see that my dd might have an independent life after all.

motherstongue Mon 23-Sep-13 01:05:00

I'm sorry if this is blunt but you are the adult here. You need to control your emotions, however hard that might be, to allow her to go without feeling guilty and to feel excited about this new chapter opening up in her life. Your role is to be there to support her, if she needs it, to encourage her and to feel proud that you have brought up a wonderful independent DD.

My DS went off to boarding school (his choice, aged 14) last year and it was horrible for me, his dad and his sister but he has loved it. He phoned a lot to begin with but now rarely phones but does send the occasional text. Do I worry.....yes. Do I miss him....yes. Do I cry when he goes back....yes......but........never in front of him. I am so proud of him that he has coped so well but I'm also so proud that I have coped so well. They need to go, that is our job, to bring them up then let them go.

Cory, so glad things have turned around for you both

apricotdelight Thu 26-Sep-13 15:12:12

Why don't my feelings count I am always at the back of the queue

Your feelings really do NOT count. She needs to spread her wings and not to feel responsibility for you at the moment. I know you are feeling awful about it, but really as a parent you are being selfish. This is her time; let her have it and not feel that she has to carry you with her.

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