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dd's boyfriend being beaten at his home advice please

(26 Posts)
newnamemabel Fri 06-Sep-13 21:05:11

I'm wondering what to do and how I get the best help for dd's bf.He is suffering sporadic violent abuse at home. It was very bad today. My dd didn't want us to talk about it with him as he has told no adults and as far as i know he's only opened up with my daughter.
I said we must get involved as its a duty to keep him safe. I heard her talking with him tonight ,he's staying for the weekend and he told her to speak with me about it which is good.
I've helped another of her friends and the girl asked me to call the police as she was scared, I did and the family took out an injunction on the father but I know she had to press charges I think Danny may be too scared ,he's 17.

Any advice would be great thank you.

MissMarplesBloomers Mon 16-Sep-13 04:08:21

Hows he doing OP?

newnamemabel Wed 11-Sep-13 14:12:43

We went to the housing office and had a very quick interview and were given a proper interview date 2 weeks from now.

He found it so hard to talk about and did down play the violence as he thinks that normal in a lot of families but he got everything out and told them his brother is still there ( he's fine at the moment as they have texted and called each other ) His brother would back him up I think as they are very close, maybe social services could interview him at school and not home ?

He told them that his parents would deny everything and the interviewer said that if his parents said they would have him back then he was intentionally homeless !!! ( as you said may happen flow4 ) She said social services would get involved because of this and that she didn't understand why we'd been sent straight to them.

She also said to 'D' that he should go to the police but he is just too scared. I'm worried that the bruises and scabs will have gone in two weeks but my daughter has taken photos and he has old scars from years ago too so I guess that will be ok.

meandthekiddies I think it is only just sinking in that it is abuse,he has trouble seeing it as that but has just had enough.

medhandthekiddiesvtheworld Tue 10-Sep-13 21:51:21

SS wont give a shit about him, and chances are he will lie to protect his family, did you tell them there is another child, although abused children, as a symptom of their abuse often protect their parents.

Poor kids.

MissMarplesBloomers Tue 10-Sep-13 21:47:53

If he CAN get accomodation sorted then when he is 18 he might be able to ask SS to place litle brother in his care if they think it appropriate.

I imagine he is torn between getting out for his own sake or staying so little brother doesn't suffer the fallout.

What a completely awful situation for him and thank god (or whoever) that you are there for him.

flow4 Tue 10-Sep-13 08:32:59

I would go. It is probably the best route to getting him out. it may also lead on to other support...

In our LA, young people's housing support is one stressed but dedicated woman. If it is the same in your area, he will be accommodated if and only if he is very explicit about the violence he is experiencing. If he does not mention it, or minimises it, then they may treat him as able to live at home or voluntarily homeless. If this happens, you may be able to find a domestic violence officer who will help you make the point that victims of DV who want to get out do need re-accommodating urgently.

Personally I would also hassle children's services, and mention your concerns about the younger brother too.

newnamemabel Mon 09-Sep-13 17:46:01

I contacted social services and as warned they said he was classed as an adult an referred him to housing which has young persons support.
When I looked on the site it said it was for over 18's. We were told to go and queue at 9am.

Should we go and see what they offer or push for help from s services. I'm concerned that as he has a roof over his head they may not class him as an urgent case for housing ?

Ediblewoman I inboxed you with a bit more info.

Blu Sun 08-Sep-13 12:09:56

Dam, under any child protection policy there is clarity that it is not the OP's responsibility to check out evidence, come to a decision, and especially not to talk to the parents!

I am really sorry that you had the experience you dis, it sounds horrible and I hope that you and your dd have been able to recover from it. But I do not see it as the place of any of us to play 'devils' advocate' when a child or vulnerable adult disclosed abuse of any kind, any more than we should employ scepticism when a child reveals sexual abuse or a woman talks of rape. It is our sole responsibility to refer and to get the right help.

Starting on being sceptical about the story is questioning him and also the dd.

I think you have a valid point about the OP being clear about her position if she has him in the house when his parents disapprove or don't know, and actually think this is even more of a reason to seek outside help asap.

But talking to the parents could (almost certainly) have been a terribly damaging thing to do.

OP, I am pleased he is trusting you and hope he can get help. As Dam says, you do dound a wonderful woman - you and your dd.

newnamemabel Sun 08-Sep-13 10:09:02

Thank you so much everyone there is some very good advice here. He spoke to me last night as he was doing some late night washing up and told me a lot of what is going on at home. I saw the bruises and scratches for myself. He said it is getting worse and there are no discussions on anything at home it sounds like its completely broken down.

Anything his parents see as remotely anti Christian turns into a huge screaming session. His Mum told him he is possessed and asked for a protection from Jesus. They told him he would fail his GCSE's he got A's and B's and they told him he wouldn't get into college and he got into one that is very difficult to get into and now they tell him he will never work.

I think the emotional abuse for him is worse than the physical sadly he sees that as normal punishment. He texted his Dad on Friday to say he would stay at a friends as he needed some space after what had happened and his Dad said nothing had happened and told him if he wasn't back on Sunday he wouldn't pay his travel or £10 food money for college.

He agreed to talk with social services and is thinking he should go to a Uni out of town so he could get away next year.

He's also worried about his little brother as he has protected him from the Dad a couple of times and they have always talked about living together as soon as D gets out.

DAM58 I understand where you are coming from and that many families will not let gf / bf sleep over etc our dd has had two long term bf sleep over since she was 16 and we talk about relationships and contraception. I know all families have different rules and I was very uncomfortable when he stayed a whole weekend about 6 months ago and hadn't told his parents an address so I got him to text ours to them.
Back then I questioned him as to why he couldn't say he was with a girl and he said he would be grounded for months so I decided to get him to give our address and keep the lines of communication open. I think at 17 you should be able to make some of your own decisions.

He said he does argue back and everything gets very heated. His Mum denies she ever said she wished he was never born even when his brother insisted she did. I think they are ashamed of what the community will think and how they view his lack of faith.

Also as SuburbanRhonda said DAm58 I didn't say they were 'sleeping it off' they were simply asleep after going to a friends 18th. Don't imagine they are bad kids, they work really hard at college and are lovely and have a very close relationship which is a joy to see.

I think we'll talk some more today and MissMarplesBloomers I'll try and get him to talk with a tutor at college. He had a counselor at his last school but didn't tell them about the physical abuse as he knew they would get outside agencies involved and he was only 14 then and too scared.

Ediblewoman I will pass the numbers to him thank you.

Dam58 Sun 08-Sep-13 09:53:23

Please don't be so aggressive towards me.
My goal is to support the op just like your goal is.

I never said the db is lying, i just wanted op to consider all possibilities before making a desicion on how she should proceed.
I think everyone would like the same outcome, for the db to be ok and the op to help him in any way she can.

Blu Sun 08-Sep-13 09:11:49

Dam, what about the bruises and scars? Is the Op's dd lying about those?

SuburbanRhonda Sun 08-Sep-13 09:03:00

Dam58, the OP did not say they were "sleeping it off".

She said they were asleep because they got home late from a party.

I agree there will be the boy's parents viewpoint to consider, but please get the facts right when putting your opinion forward.

MissMarplesBloomers Sun 08-Sep-13 08:22:54

I agree something needs to be done but I think until he tells you himself all you can do is be there for him , keep building up a relationship with him & see where it goes.

I know school can't discuss other pupils with you but is there any way of discreetly alerting his head of year by asking them to listen to your concerns & then leave it with them?

SquidgyMummy Sun 08-Sep-13 08:20:48

Dam i see you are trying to play devil's advocate, but the OP has clearly said he has bruises and scars

Dam58 Sun 08-Sep-13 08:14:22

I would never ignore any disclosure a young person makes... However it is not nessecary for the first reaction to be an extreme reaction.
The family obviously have rules and ethics that he boy finds frustrating and are making him unhappy.
The OP states that they were at a party and currently "sleeping it off". Sleeping what off? Does the boys parents know where he is? Has the op any concern for her role in his family breakdown by harbouring him without concern for his parents who may not know where he is and would have probably preferred him not to go to the party?

I am NOT blaming the op as she sounds like a wonderful person. I am just playing devils advocate and trying to promote an alternitive way of considering the situation, please disregard it if you feel it has no merit.

It would be very unhelpful if everyone just kept repeating the same opinion.

flow4 Sat 07-Sep-13 19:24:37

Dam, it is possible the boy is lying, but the OP has to take action in case he isn't. The risks are too high to ignore.

Locd35 Sat 07-Sep-13 11:40:56

Hi newnamemabel

I'm a social worker. Children's services can be iffy about this age and thresholds can differ slightly from area to area but your dd's bf is getting physically abused. One issue with his age is that he can choose not to say anything to professionals and not to work with them. So it would be a good idea to have a discussion with him about it. I'm concerned from what you say and the service I work for would be visiting to assess the situation; after all he's still officially a child. Also is his brother younger than him? This could be happening to other children in the home.

Dam58 Sat 07-Sep-13 11:08:09

My 17 yr old dd told her friends parents she got beat at home....this is untrue. My dd has grew to resent the rules in our house and would often walk out - go to said friend- tell the parents we kicked her out and they would let her stay over and she would switch of her phone. Q- lots of tea & sympathy and dd gets to avoid - walking the dog, cleaning her room etc While teaching me a lesson to boot!

While I don't deny that things may be difficult for him at home, it is entirely up to bf family how they choose to no girls upstairs etc.

You shouldn't be allowing him to stay knowing his parents don't know where he really is.

Is it possible that's he's angling to come and stay with you and your dd?

On the other hand, I would not dismiss his claims and think you should def investigate further. Can you talk to the parents?

ediblewoman Sat 07-Sep-13 10:53:53

Please refer him to Children's Services. Flow is right that they are often reluctant to help 16/17 year olds but legally following the Southwark judgement they have to. They will probably offer a foster placement/supported lodgings hoping that will put him off, they may ask you if he can stay, if they do and you want him to insist that you are treated as a family/friend foster placement and paid as this ensures 'Danny' is regarded as a looked after child (a child in care). He can get advice from Shelter info on line here too 0808 800 4444 and free legal advice from the Coram Children's Advice Line lots of info on their website here 0808 802 0008.

My mum had a pretty difficult teenage period with her family and her then boyfriend's mum and dad made a huge difference so I know how valuable the kind of support you are offering can be.

Because of my job I know a bit about all this (I work in housing not social care so not an expert) please feel free to pm me if that would help.

newnamemabel Sat 07-Sep-13 10:45:42

Also he has talked to us about some things ,the religious issues and that he can't tell his parents whose house he is at so he opened up about some things.

newnamemabel Sat 07-Sep-13 10:38:07

Yes I agree flow4. i think dd is terrified he'll clam up and not talk about it but I think its time to insist. I guess she feels she's breached his trust but once an adult knows its not right not to act on it which is what I explained to her last night before he arrived. I think she understood.

newnamemabel Sat 07-Sep-13 10:34:19

Thanks Locd35 I wondered about that but I don't know his address.I'm hoping he'll talk with us today and that he'll be open to getting social services etc involved. I think it would be good if he was able to talk with them and we can be there to support him. I'm nervous that he won't even talk to us and then I guess we will have to do something ourselves and send social services to the college or where his Dad works. I can't not say anything as I don't feel he's safe at all.

I don't know if children's services have been involved, I doubt it as the family are quite respected because his Dad runs a religious establishment. There are issues as D is no longer a believer but the family force him to attend each week.
His Dad strangled him yesterday and dd says there are bruises.In the past his Dad has punched him through a glass window and he has scars,there was blood everywhere and they didn't even take him to hospital ! His Mum doesn't stop the violence and is verbally abusive to him saying her life was great until he was born

His family don't even know that he stays with us as he would get in a huge amount of trouble, girls aren't even allowed upstairs in his house. He tells them he stays at friends.

They are strict in many ways but he and his brother can stay out till all hours and are not checked on.

He's changed a lot since we first met him last year he was very underconfident and grumpy. He is much less nervous around us now and dd says he cannot believe how are family are and that we talk to each other and have fun.

They are asleep at the moment after getting home late from a party. Hoping he'll talk to us today.

flow4 Sat 07-Sep-13 10:26:12

Phone your local Children's services. Google 'children's safeguarding' and the name of your council to get their number. It's up to you whether you give your name. Give as many details as you can of the nature of the abuse and the evidence you've seen.

17 is an 'in between' age. I once made a safeguarding referral for a 17 year old and was told she was 'almost an adult' and not a priority. 17 yos are sometimes considered too old for children's services and too young for adult ones. sad

You need to talk to him directly, really. It is hard to take appropriate action on second-hand reports. And children's services and/or the police will need to speak to him directly, and you can give him some valuable 'practice' talking to adults if he hasn't done this before.

Locd35 Sat 07-Sep-13 09:33:15

You can make an anonymous referral to your local Children's services. You can even let them know who you are and ask for this to be anonymous to the family. Are there issues behind the physical abuse such as alcohol, drugs or mental health? Do you know whether your dd's bf has been involved with Children's services before?

newnamemabel Fri 06-Sep-13 21:12:42

Don't worry thats not his name -sorry I should have put that in brackets I guess...

Hulababy Fri 06-Sep-13 21:07:49

I hope you can help him but please be careful about naming the young man on here. I know it is highly unlikely but it could make matters worse.

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