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Dissapointment with GCSE results, opinions please.

(14 Posts)
chocoluvva Fri 30-Aug-13 10:58:31

"She thinks I have not performed to my potential, which I haven't..."

We all hope our DCS will make the most of their abilities and good qualities. Mostly we want it for them, but sometimes our own pride and insecurity comes into it too. This is undesirable. However your DM will get over it and just as she can't expect you to be perfect, you can't reasonably expect her to behave perfectly either - what with her being a human being.

I remember thinking that a friend who was disappointed with her DC's good, but not outstanding grades was being greedy - after all he got offers of places at good unis. He had managed to get them with the minimum of effort however. When my own DC got a similar set of results with a similar lack of effort I knew how she felt.

Some people regard a lack of work ethic as a moral failing. Perhaps your mum does too.

FWIW - if I had to choose between having children who tried to be good people and children who were academically successful, whether through hard work or not I'd choose the former.

tiredaftertwo Fri 30-Aug-13 08:37:46

You've had lots of great advice here, and good luck - you've done really well.

I suspect there is more going on here but maybe she is using all the rubbish about how dumbed down GCSEs are - if so, google the exam stats and show her what the reality is - how many people get each grade and so on. Try and stay very calm and maybe ask your df to tell her that if this attitude continues it could make you do worse at A level (where getting strings of As is seriously hard and should certainly not be taken for granted).

flow4 Fri 30-Aug-13 08:28:49

I love C4ro's post! All of those are viable options... grin

Your mum has obviously done a pretty good job, bringing you up to be a sensible, articulate, fair-minded, diplomatic, caring, intelligent, high-achieving (yes!) girl... Presumably she's got 'stuck' in some major anxiety about you and your future, if she's lost sight of all that.

The important thing is for you not to take on her anxieties and other negative feelings. They're hers. One of the great things about growing up is that, eventually, you get to live the life you want, rather than the one your parents think you should have!

If your mum is often negative and you feel her dragging you down, you'll find yourself avoiding her. If she just 'has her moments' you can laugh them off, or pity her, or tell her to sort herself out and enjoy life!

twentyten Thu 29-Aug-13 22:25:27

So sorry to hear your story. My dd has just done gcse's and I have seen how hard she had to work plus all the other pressures teenagers are under now.

I try and stop myself asking about others but it's sometimes hard. Know it's tough but please don't despair . Once term starts she will have other concerns. This is your life not hers. Anyone t school who can help? Do you know what you want to do? Do some research about Uni applications etc.

Follow your dreams. Good luck.

C4ro Wed 28-Aug-13 10:34:32

Tell her to stop living vicariously through you. If she wants 10 A* GCSE she is very welcome to bugger off and get them for herself!
Sympathise with her that your are an awful, thoughtless daughter and you are sorry that she won't be able to brag to her friends in the reflected glory of your results now. You are filled with shame.
Hint that you actually very carefully targetted to underperform on the two B subjects just to rob her of her bragging opportunities...
Ignore, she'll shut up eventually.

Slipshodsibyl Wed 28-Aug-13 09:56:44

Congratulations. They are good results and even when straight A s are predicted, it is hard to hit the bell every exam. The difference between A* and B is very few marks.
Your Mum sounds - bit unrealistic and uninformed - or at and possibly has absorbed the (wrong) message that GCSE s are easy to get A in.

In wonder if a settling in to sixth form meeting with your tutor will help? He/she would be better placed to explain how well you are doing and up your results in context for her.

I'm sorry she is being like this but I hope it will wear off and I think it worth trying to explain this will hurt your relationship with her long term. She really needs to put it in perspective. She has had her chance at education and now it is your turn. You sound like a very capable young woman. Good luck and enjoy sixth form.

mochawombat Wed 28-Aug-13 09:44:58

Thanks for your posts everyone smile
For those asking if my mum has a friend, sister etc to talk to her the answer is unfortunately no- no close relatives nearby or that we keep in touch with regularly. Most of DMs friends are the mums of my friends, and of course we can't give the wrong impression can we? She has even told me to tell people I got 5 As instead of 3As and 2Bs. DF is around and is very supportive and has told me how proud he is, but will do nothing when mum is actually saying these things. I am oldest sibling of 2 so no help there.

For the poster asking if this has happened before- I did google what you suggested, the stuff I found was a bit heavy but vaguely familiar. Will try and approach it gently with DF. smile

For the poster with the daughter going to uni, that's brill! My DM is now convinced no RG uni will even look at me because of the B grades.

To the last poster, most of my friends (15-16) know what Mumsnet is but not exactly how it works, and I've heard if some of the articles/campaigns they've done. But dw, your secret's not out yet! wink

PeriodMath Tue 27-Aug-13 23:43:08

Where did you hear about Mumsnet? confused

treehouselover Tue 27-Aug-13 23:41:54

No it's not "a mother's right" to feel disappointed in a great set of results from a DD who has worked hard. She's disappointed that she doesn't get to brag about you to the parents of the straight A* kids.

That's hugely unfair on you, and you have every right to be hurt at her reaction. She's making it all about her and she hasn't yet let go of her ownership of your success. As parents we all have to do this at some point.

My dad was exactly the same with me. His reaction to my 2 As and 7 Bs at GCSE (We didn't have A* then. I'm an old git!) was "What went wrong with the other 7?"

This stuff gets to you when you're a teenager, and quite honestly he can still get to me now with his put-downs. You sound much more mature and level-headed than I was at that age. My reaction would have been to sulk and not speak to him for a week. I understand now as an adult and a parent that he was fiercely proud of me and convinced I was the cleverest kid in the school. Unfortunately I wasn't, but I still did pretty well, and it's very hurtful to feel that you aren't as good as they want you to be.

I'm not sure what to suggest as the best approach. Your DM is being unreasonable, and is clearly very fixed in her ideas. Is there anyone close to her - one of her friends or an older sibling - that you could speak to and get their views. They will know your DM and understand what is motivating her, and they might be able to give her a wake up call.

If that's not possible, put it all in writing to her. It's very hard to articulate how you feel face to face when emotions are high. Tell her that you feel you worked hard, got good results, and are disappointed she's not more proud of you.

Meanwhile, be very proud of your success, and remember, you're working for yourself not for anyone else.

RandomMess Tue 27-Aug-13 21:51:39

It's even been in the news that grades would be marked more harshly this year...

My dd didn't do as well as predicted and no I haven't said anything negative. She is happy enough with her results and that's all that counts.

Chopchopbusybusy Tue 27-Aug-13 21:46:08

My DD got 6A*, 3A and 2B. I was thrilled with her results and I'm delighted to say that having now just done A2s she got the magic ABB which is what is considered to be good A level results and she's off to do engineering at a RG university. I couldn't be more proud.
She was predicted 11A* btw. But that's all it was just a prediction.

Viking1 Tue 27-Aug-13 21:27:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chottie Tue 27-Aug-13 21:22:33

Firstly well done on a very respectable set of GCSE grades. You are able to do the subjects you want at A level at a 6th form you want to attend. Sounds wonderful.

You haven't let yourself down at all. Good luck with all her future plans. Remember to have some time to relax and be as well as working hard smile

p.s. I do think your mother is being a bit OTT. Does she have a sister or friend who might point this out to her? It doesn't matter what your friends got for GCSE, don't let her undermine you. You have your whole life ahead of you, so do enjoy this special time and the rest of your holiday.

mochawombat Tue 27-Aug-13 20:42:56

Ok, I know this is somewhat unorthodox, but I need help and can't think of anywhere else to ask. takes deep breath I am a 16 year old girl, and I would appreciate the opinions of other mums in regard to my mum's behaviour.
I was one of the many getting my GCSE results last week, and I got 5 A*s, 3 As and 2 Bs. I was predicted straight As so I have underperformed slightly. I am a little disappointed as the 2 Bs are in subjects that I worked really hard on, but am happy overall because I got into a brilliant 6th form and can do all my chosen A Levels. grin
My DM, however, is not so thrilled. She thinks I have not performed to my potential, which I haven't, but I told her that I have accepted this and that I am going to really push myself in the subjects I love at A Level. However, she continues to believe that I am 'not bothered' about the B grades that are 'dragging me down' and that I need to fix my attitude, She is also constantly asking me what my peers got, which is to be expected, but irritating because many have got straight As. Even though I start college next week I just feel like she will not stop rabbiting on about results. If I try and approach the topic with her, she gets defensive (is it not a mother's right to feel disappointed, you have had every opportunity etc.)
Today I thought she might have moved on, but now she is saying things like 'everyone else has done so much better than her', 'why did she give up', 'why can't I get a break in life', 'God give me a break' etc. Part of me thinks she is just being melodramatic, but what she is saying makes me feel terrible, like I have let her down so badly.
Sorry for the mammoth post, but I would really appreciate some opinions; would you say this in front of your teenage DC, and what would you suggest as a comeback/approach to this?
Thanks so much. smile

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