I'm only 20 and can't get over past events in my life :( I would like some mature advice please (long post)

[20needadvice]

Hello everyone,

I know this is a long post, but I'm hoping someone will read and respond.

(I am not a mother but hoping to get some mature advice on a few issues I have).

I've always tried to keep the problems I have in the back of mind but recently they're becoming more and more pronounced to the point that any free moments I have to relax my thoughts are focused on past events and my future path.

I literally can't remember ANY funtimes during my childhood with my family. The only happy memories I have are from playing out with my friends in my neighborhood. I have always been on edge around my mother any little thing I did (like accidentally dropping a plate) I would get beaten for.

I remember many occasions that I would get beaten for such little things, it made me so unhappy as there were many times I would be in pain for ages so it's not like I would get beaten and could forget it straight away... Plus now that I'm older I have 2 permanent scars on my face that will forever be a reminder.

One event sticks in my head the strongest, I was in year 6 and was making toast for breakfast, I must have gone upstairs to watch some TV while the toast was still on and unfortunately forgot about it. I eventually remembered the toast was still in and came running down but it was too late as the kitchen was full of smoke and it had escaped outside into the hall way, so I knew what was coming... I don't think I've ever been so frightened in my life I thought she was going to actually properly hurt me this time
Upon my mum smelling it she came running down the stairs screaming and swearing horrible stuff to me and when she came into the kitchen she slapped me to the floor and started stomping on my head. When she stopped she just went back upstairs yelling at me to clear everything up. When I got up I could feel I had a pretty gruesome bump/bruise on my head, but I was feeling pretty okay, because this time I didn't feel so much pain. When she had walked me to school I came up with the excuse that I had walked into a lamppost if any friends asked how I got it.

My father is very complacent, although he never beat me he didn't give a damn when he could have stepped in. I remember one time in the living room (I can't remember what I did wrong) my mother made me fetch the belt and I was absolutely hysterical because the welts left from her lashings were always pretty brutal. When I eventually got the belt she obviously started hitting me with it and I was screaming/pleading at the top of my voice to my dad who was sat in the corner of the room, but he didn't even look at me, not even once he just kept his eyes unnaturally glued to the TV, I remember my mother saying something along the lines of "ha do you think he will do anything? you better shut up"

I don't have a good/any relationship with my mother father or brother. I only stay at home during the holiday period of University never voluntarily come home otherwise. I've never sent birthday/mothers/fathers day cards (just seems so bloody awkward). Xmas day is spent having a meal then me retiring to my room for the day. When I say we don't have a relationship it is literally like I'm living in a houseshare, they don't know about my life(unless they ask) and I don't know about theirs. I never call my parents when I'm at Uni and they have never called me that is how it has always been and will probably always be.

Despite all that's happened I wouldn't say I was depressed or damaged, I just have a messed up personality and some of my thought processes are so, so wrong. For example, I don't know why, but whenever I think to the future i.e. starting a family and having kids, the thought of having a baby girl actually sickens me! I can't fathom having a baby girl to the point that if I knew I was going to have a female child I would want to abort ASAP. However, the thought of having boys brings happy and excited feelings and I would love to have lots and lots of them!

I suffered from absolutely crippling social anxiety (literally crapping myself just getting on a bus) and still to a point now. I also feel very shy at times, find it hard to get involved in group conversations (I'm more of a listener)and have been very very insecure about my looks ever since the day my mother found out I had started a period and shoved a pad into my knickers, while I was stood there naked from the bottom down. I will never forget the look of disgust she gave me and complaints about the smell... Never felt like such a disgusting human being in my life.

Also I'm young and at uni but I don't have much of a life, don't have any best friends (never have). I just do my academic work 24/7 and although I'm doing well, I'm not doing brilliantly considering I put all my effort and time into it..... I feel like I'm going to be one of those women who is all about her career, career, career and nothing else because she has nothing else in her life going for her

My mother hasn't hit or beat me since I was 15. But I guess that's because from then on we've had such limited contact and that was around the age that I stood up to her and hit her back when she punched me, so I guess she doesn't feel like she holds all the power anymore.

Now whenever I think back to the past I think that maybe I was just an overly sensitive child. I wasn't the only kid that got beat since it seems to be a cultural thing in my community. I know plenty of people who say they got beat but have good relationships with their parents. It makes me feel like I'm being whiny, as if many other kids got beat and despite that are still happy and still loving and respectful to their their parents why don't I feel the same? ...Afterall I was always clothed and fed?

I know my feelings are insignificant considering most people in the world are not in a the privileged position I get from just living in the first world and being a UK citizen, It makes me feel worse knowing that I shouldn't be being so whiny about stupid issues like these. But at the same time I wish I could enjoy life like everyone else my age here without worrying about the past and future so much. I want a future to look forward to but I'm just bogged down in absolute dread! ...

All in all I just wish I could have someone to show me some love (even if it's just a friend) and I wish could erase my memories and start afresh you know?

[wintersdawn]

your feelings aren't insignificant, I can't be of much help as I never experienced the kind of upbringing you had but I would say that it sounds like you need to talk to someone professionally to help work through this.

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

Ok.
Not insignificant.
Not whiny.
Real hurts, real damage, real, justified reasons to be sad, angry, devastated.
Not your fault.
Not because of anything you did, you are, you were or will be.
Unacceptable, cruel, unwarranted and unfair.
You have had much to bear.
You should not have had to bear it.
No child deserves to be abused.
You are worth more than this and your life can start afresh and the strength that got you this far is what will make the rest of your life worth dancing about.
Well done on writing your story so far: I am so sort this happened to you.
Take it back, grab on to the rest of your life and take support and help when it feels hard: you deserve happiness and you can find it.

[JassyAlconleigh]

That's a brave post. I hope you feel better getting it all down in writing.

You say "I wouldn't say I was depressed or damaged, I just have a messed up personality"

I think maybe you should take what you've written along to your GP and ask them to recommend some counselling and books/websites to look at to start your recovery from what sounds like a really sad and frightening upbringing.

I wish you the very best of luck and hope that this brave step you've taken leads you to have wonderful life; you're still young and there is so much hope.

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

So sorry, not so sort: phone, grrrr

[runawaysimba]

I would second what everyone has said and add that you should be extremely proud - to be so articulate, independent (even if you don't feel you are) and doing well at Uni at just 20 I think bodes very well for the rest of your life. Take the advice above, you can do it.

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

If you are asking mumsnet for permission to be angry with your parents, even though they 'fed and clothed' you, and asking if its ok to think what they did then ok: have my permission if it helps.

Damn right they did wrong by you.
Damn right it was not right.
Damn right they should be ashamed.
Damn right you don't owe them time, explanations or anything that hurts you to give right now.

[20needadvice]

Thank you so much to everyone that has replied, I have read and taken onboard all advice given so far.

However, I didn't know the GP could help with such matters. I know they can help with mental illnesses like depression, but I don't think I'm depressed, my thought patterns/thinking is just messed up so would I not be wasting their precious time by going?
Is there any other organisations anyone can recommend that I should go and approach instead?

(I should really go and do some research into this myself instead of asking, sorry I shall crack on and have a look online too)

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

Have a look at this
www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Cognitive-behavioural-therapy/Pages/Introduction.aspx

[Greenkit]

You know what, I dont care about mumsnet and non hugs, have a massive hug because your childhood sounds awful (((((())))))

You are a survivor, you mother a bully and your father a weak man. Did your mother ever hit your brother?

Why do you still have contact with your parents? Have you ever asked them why?

I agree some help from your GP would be good for you

[Madamecastafiore]

You need to go to the doctor honey and ask for some psychotherapy. There will be a long waiting list but it will help enormously.

My childhood was pretty crappy, lots of guilt, violence and rejection and above all the therapy helped me to see that it was their fault, their failings and 'issues' that caused the abuse. I was an innocent child and nothing I did warranted such abuse.

I have completely cut them out if my life and my god it makes such a difference. No toxicity from anyone. I choose who I want in my life and if they do not treat me appropriately then they are gone. I do not deserve anything but love and respect.

You will have to deal with the past to move forward but you will move forward and have a happy life and you will love your daughter if you have one no matter what. In our house my brothers were kings and we were waste of space and trouble, slags, dirty bitches etc etc but (and my teenager can be a complete cow) I know they were wrong. I know I have the right parental feelings and would die for my children, girls or boys.

Please get some counselling and as soon as you can get away from them. They would be like mine i bet and deny that anything ever happened but to keep having to face it is really pointless and even if you have the therapy seeing them will drag it all up again so best to turn a page, sort yourself out and have nothing to do with them.

You will be loved, you deserve to be loved and respected. You are damaged because of what they did to you but you can change that. You can heal to an extent and move forward.

Good luck. Do go to the doctor, make it your moment you move forward. Xxx

[YoniMatopoeia]

So sorry that this happened to you. It was wrong, and it was not your fault. I agree with others that your gp should be able to help. Print off what you wrote above, and let them read it.

A couple of possible online resources...

www.survivors.org.uk/


www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/worried-about-a-child/online-advice/adults-abused-in-childhood/adults-abused-in-childhood_wda87228.html

[LoveBeingItsABoy]

There is nothing wrong with how you are feelings, it's normal with how you have been treated.

Please speak to someone, if not your Gp what about the student support at uni? Leaving home and then having to go back must be horrible do you have to carry on living there?

You are allowed to hate your parents, you are allowed to cut them out forever.

[antsypants]

Hi 20

I think what stands out to anyone from your posts is the confusion and pain, you sound like a very strong person, well... You have had to be to survive your childhood, you will find a lot of support here, it is, sadly, more common than you think.

I wish I could show you how much you sound like myself in my very early twenties, I was neglected and abused by the adults in my life, and by 18 was free and away to university, I also did not make friends easily, uni was my escape, so I was focused on succeeding, I felt out of kilter with people socially, when people just want fun and are reminiscing about when they were younger, discuss shared experiences, and have that confidence that only comes from being loved... Well... It's hard to be able to relate.

Our thoughts are so similar even down to the fact that I dreaded the thought of having a baby, for me any baby was horrendous, I was convinced I would abuse them, I had an abortion in my early twenties...

I never spoke to anyone about my childhood, throughout my twenties I ploughed through, it took its toll though and by 31 I had a really serious breakdown, my life crashed into pieces and I had to rebuild.

I suppose I am telling you this because I was diagnosed with some serious personality issues, see, I was never depressed, never dwelt on it when I was out and about in life, was never buried under a quilt or lamenting my lot (as depression is often wrongly portrayed) once I knew what I needed to work on, my life started to improve... I was actually sectioned because of my breakdown, but after that, therapy, understanding the toll the abuse took, it changed my life... I am a mother to one beautiful daughter now, and am pleased to say that none of my fears have shown themselves in my relationship with her so far

If someone had directed me towards therapy when I was younger, I honestly feel it would have been that turning point much earlier, no-one really knows how attachment issues and surviving abuse affects you unless they have been through it, but for each person it is unique... If I were you 20, I would go to the GP and tell them everything, tell them you want to feel healthy and start to resolve these issues before they cause you to lose years of your life and essentially let her continue to wreak havoc... CBT changes lives, there is no reason it shouldn't do the same for you

[TiredFeet]

I hope that posting this is a turning point for you. You have coped with so much for so long on your own and I hope you feel encouraged to seek some support.

I had an awful traumatic time at university and didn't seek help and I regret it when there is so much support available at university (student services etc) you can also very definitely go and see your gp about this, mine were brilliant in suppoprting me.

I understand the feeling of burying yourself in your work, I did that at university too. But it doesn't mean you will be like that necessarily in the 'real world', university can be an especially hard place to be.

Best wishes

[musicposy]

It must have taken bravery to post that. Hopefully you can start to move forward.

It's not normal and it's not how you should have been treated. I have a daughter who is just a little younger than you (nearly 18) and I could cry for your upbringing when I think of how loved and cherished she is and what a close relationship we have. It's sad that you grew up in a house where you couldn't make mistakes, as mistakes are how we learn. It's not at all acceptable to hurt a child because they burn toast. Everyone burns toast from time to time. My youngest once put toast under the grill, forgot it, and then not knowing what to do because the kitchen was full of smoke, went and sat outside to get out of the smoke leaving me upstairs completely unawares she was half burning the place down! I would not have dreamed of smacking her! I just talked through some more sensible strategies for next time. This is how parents should behave.

You should be proud of what you have achieved with so little support. How long will it be until you are able to move out of home properly? I would often suggest that young people try to make things up with families, but I honestly think you need to get some proper distance from your mother to be able to move on from all this. I would also reiterate what other posters have said about getting some outside help/ counselling to try to come to terms with this all. I think the thing about having a baby girl is something you need to explore and get past. I wonder if a daughter would bring painful reminders of you at that age and that is why you would feel safer with sons. I think you should try and unpick all this with a professional before you get to the point of wanting children of your own.

I have friends who had terrible childhoods and have gone on to make very happy families themselves. One of my friends in particular had an abusive father and a disinterested-at-best mother. It took a long time butshe has now been with her husband over 20 years and has an amazing relationship with her daughter - something she never had with her mother. It is possible.

I don't think it has been linked yet but you might find the stately homes thread helpful. Lots of posters there who have all been in your position. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1698597-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families

[flow4]

I am so sorry you experienced such abuse in your childhood 20, and that no-one helped you. You did not deserve those beatings and that cruelty, and you do deserve love, respect and safety.

You sound like an amazingly strong survivor. If you can achieve all that when your head is still struggling to deal with what's happened to you, just imagine what potential you have and what you'll be able to achieve when you have resolved some of those awful experiences.

There is support for you. Your GP is your first point of call. You can tell her/him some of what you've told us, and ask for a referral to counselling. From there, you may get referred to other services and support. It is there for you and people like you, because it is well known that people who have been through abuse go on to have problems with their mental and physical health, and with relationships and even work - and that with support, they have fewer problems.

You talk about your thought patterns being 'messed up'. That is hardly surprising, because you lived your whole childhood in an abnormal, messed up, awful situation, where your parents behaved as if it was all normal. There is something called 'cognitive behaviour therapy'/CBT, which is specifically designed to help people re-learn thought patterns that have been messed up by their past experiences.

By the way, I think your thought about not wanting a girl-baby is more understandable than you think. Parents commonly 'project' some of their/our own childhood experiences, hopes and fears onto our own children. I was very relieved when I had a boy, because my relationship with my own mum wasn't good, and I simply couldn't imagine a positive mother-daughter relationship. You will probably worry that you don't know how to love a daughter, and maybe even fear that you would abuse her like your mother abused you, or alternatively, be jealous of her if you love her like your mother didn't manage for you. Counselling/therapy will help you work through all those sorts if thoughts and feelings.

Good luck. You deserve it! :)