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Ds has stolen my credit cards

(38 Posts)
sadsong Wed 07-Aug-13 22:26:38

I've been quite ill following surgery and been bed bound for a week. Ds went away to his dads on Friday. I looked on my iPad today and found in banking 3 transactions I didn't recognise. Totalling £68. It had sent my cc over its limit. I immediately paid the £68 so card wasn't over limit and found out after several phone calls to banks and Microsoft. As stated x box live on each transaction. To cut a long story short I have found with help of my ex h and current h that ds has stolen 3 credit cards and taken money to the total of £204 to my knowledge. We believe that is all. It has sent 2 cards over the limit. Meaning my experience report will be affected and I will incur additional charges.

I don't know if this is a one off. Or whether its been ongoing for some time. I'm so disappointed and furious. I don't know how he thought he'd get away with this.

I'm most annoyed about my experience report as we are trying to get a mortgage and I'm so careful not to damage my credit rating by always making payments in good time and never going over limits.

So my first thought is the x box will be sold and any games to go towards the cost. He is at his dads until Friday and Xbox already confiscated. And then a boring summer of jobs but is this going to make him resort to stealing again?

What else do I do and what on earth do I say lying and stealing are pretty major in my book. He claims he got the idea from dss but we checked dss Xbox and no sign of the same thing.

sadsong Wed 07-Aug-13 22:28:02

Bloody typo I meant experian credit report not experience.

LegoCaltrops Wed 07-Aug-13 22:32:27

you poor thing that's awful. I would be furious.

How old is your DS? If he is quite young I would be inclined to be (a bit) more forgiving of this TBH - eg sell the Xbox & do extra jobs, explain about stealing etc but then leave it. If he is older, eg into secondary school I would be a lot more strict.

Roshbegosh Wed 07-Aug-13 22:32:39

How old is DS? It will be hard to stand firm on this but it is doing him a favour if he learns he must not steal. Do you think the two of you will be able to have a sensible conversation about why he did this or will he deny it or just get angry?

throughgrittedteeth Wed 07-Aug-13 22:33:37

Wow. Definitely sell the Xbox, then a long, never ending list of jobs that HAVE to be completed each week of the holidays. Once completed he may see his friends or whatever.
I completely understand about the experian thing, I'm sorry you're having deal with this whilst recovering. How bloody selfish!

gallicgirl Wed 07-Aug-13 22:35:34

First off, I wouldn't worry too much about experian if the rest of the credit history is good. Companies report monthly and only show arrears or defaults I believe. You've paid the excess so I think you'll be ok.

I'm not sure I'd sell the x box. Keep it confiscated and make him earn it back. Summer job gets him 3 hours use a week. Good exam results gets more time, helping around house gets him a new game etc.

I'd also make a big thing of the trust issue and how that could impact on your relationship.

sadsong Wed 07-Aug-13 22:48:40

We've had many trust conversations recently. Homework doesn't get completed he lies then lies to try and get way with the original lies. He will be 15 in October.

The annoying thing is he was grounded when he stole the cc s for going out and not coming home when he should several days running and spending dhs money. he has tried blaming dss and getting him involved In this too. There is no evidence I can't assume ds is telling the truth about dss.

He only owned up to the one cc it was only when ex h checked his Xbox and saw 2 other cards there that he then said he had but it took 3 further phone calls before x h found all 3 of my cc sin his bag. It's the lies upon lies that makes it so much worse.

In all there was about 25 different transactions. Some as little as £4.50 and some as much s £42.50. Over a space of a week.

sadsong Wed 07-Aug-13 22:51:26

Throughgrittedteeth that's a very good idea. I think a list each week is a very good idea. I don't see how i can ground him for the entire summer. He will drive me mad. Especially as he now has no entertainment. It's all very well saying well just get bored but I'm ill and he will spend the entire time winding his young siblings up if he gets no time to wear off energy.

I need to have made up my mind by Friday when he comes home.

Roshbegosh Wed 07-Aug-13 23:18:21

Good luck! He might say "you can't make me" and be an utter nightmare until you crack under pressure from the rest of the family and your health problems. If someone can figure out how to maintain a semblance of control when it is argument after argument after argument and everyone getting upset on an hourly basis then I too would like to know. Let us know how you get on.

HoikyPoiky Wed 07-Aug-13 23:35:26

Oh blimey what an awful situation. What about involving councillors? It's very serious as I am sure you know sad. How is his general behaviour?
Is this , sort of, 'one' drawn out instance or is this typical of his ongoing behaviour? If it is a one off then it is not too bad. confused especially if he is generally immature.

If its an ongoing problem then I don't know what I would do other than seek professional advice. It is such a difficult age and you dont won't to completely alienate them.

Whatever happens I really hope it works out ok for all of you.

sadsong Wed 07-Aug-13 23:47:31

Thanks everybody. I've got 3 teenagers at home. You could say between the last week of term and now behaviour has been an issue with all of them. I think the lack of routine is no good for idol minds at all! He is actually very mature and he knew exactly what he was doing he just didn't think I'd find out. Which is ridiculous. But tbh I wouldn't have found out about the other 2 as I rarely read a statement.

The money from dh was Probably not as it sounds. Dh said he could have £5 but only had a £10 note so expressly said give me the change I'm trusting you. So he spent £9. I'm now wondering about other things that also don't ring true through.

He went to the cinema last week while I was asleep in bed drugged up to eyeballs dh only half an ear on him. He didn't have any money he claims his friends went half each on his ticket. I now think he stole it.

I found my dsd phone in his bin and dd's phone went missing twice recently only to turn up just before she went to her dads and he magically found it. Both times missing a week or more.

So it's all very suspicious now.

When dd'd phone went missing it ended up in her accidentally bunking off school. She was supposed to be on a trip but had no phone and got in a muddle. confused So it has major knock on effect all of this.

sadsong Thu 08-Aug-13 07:15:25

His answer to most things if you bring him up on anything, homework, pocket money, tidy your room etc etc is oh I forgot! angry

Mrsrobertduvall Thu 08-Aug-13 07:19:32

If my docs stole my credit card I would be chatting to the police.
Give them a shock.

sadsong Thu 08-Aug-13 08:09:23

Mrsrobert I do know other parent friends who have experience this and none have phoned the police. I agree sanction is in order but do think that's a step too far at this stage. Although I will stress to him I'm within my rights to do so.

Mrsrobertduvall Thu 08-Aug-13 08:55:55

Fair enough...but he seems to have done a fair bit of thieving. Not just one occasion.

Roshbegosh Thu 08-Aug-13 09:00:06

mrsduvall has a point, not that I have any answers but you know your DS, will he just push and push until he hits a boundary? Maybe best to bring the boundary forward and save your family grief. Does he take you, DH or his father seriously?

sadsong Thu 08-Aug-13 09:01:01

If I knew a friendly police officer id jump at the chance of a scare tack tick. But I don't want him ending up with an asbo for this. There doesn't seem to be a happy medium. Apart from the stealing lying bit doing his homework situ, he is a fairly well balanced child mostly, well liked and kind to others, not ever in trouble at school except homework.

He starts his gcse courses in September it's going to be a bug shock!

HoikyPoiky Thu 08-Aug-13 09:01:13

It does sound quite extreme and not like a one off. sad

Perhaps you could phone your police liaison officer???

sadsong Thu 08-Aug-13 09:07:47

I know I'm nieave but what does a liaison officer do? I'm beginning to think you might have a point. But I don't want him to have a permanent record at this stage. sad

sadsong Thu 08-Aug-13 09:11:30

Actually I do know a couple of police officers from my distant past! Ill ask him what he would suggest.

Springcleanish Thu 08-Aug-13 09:18:13

Do you have PCSO's linked to the school or town? I'd ask them to come around and have a chat with him, ours are quite happy to do this sort of thing, and once they've met youngsters they always greet them when out and about, it's a clear reminder to the teens that they can't do whatever they want.

They won't arrest or press charges unless you actually report it, but ours like to chat with teens over things like this as it often nips it in the bud before it becomes a reported crime.

sadsong Thu 08-Aug-13 09:43:04

I worry I might be opening a larger can if worms with the police. My my experience I've never found any authority any support what so ever. But glad of all your views.

raskolnikov Thu 08-Aug-13 13:16:50

Hi sadsong

I really feel for you.

Its a situation I'm only too familiar with. My ds, 21, took cash from my purse and used my debit card to take cash from my bank a/c 3 years ago. He denied all knowledge but in the end I spoke to the bank who suggested speaking to the fraud prevention officer locally. Before doing so I told him what I was about to do and said once the matter was in the police's hands, I couldn't stop whatever action they decided to take and that if it was him that took the money, he should admit it to me rather than wait for the police to check CCTV etc. He admitted it and eventually worked off the 100's of £ he had taken from me. He's always had an appalling attitude to money, currently at uni and spending way beyond his means.

I think originally it was a reaction to his Dad and I splitting up, but I am still very frustrated at his attitude - he shamelessly uses people when he needs things and borrows off everyone he knows. I am aware that he has taken money from me and his Dad recently and am frankly at my wits end - it upsets me greatly that he could continue to do this. I am on the verge of telling him to move out but it wouldn't be the first time that's happened and I hated the effect it had on my other DCs and I then.

Tortington Thu 08-Aug-13 13:22:18

X box is the worst invention ever - sell it/give it away. do not have another games system in the house

Grounding serves only to punish you - not them, I think selling the xbox will be punishment enough

zippey Thu 08-Aug-13 17:50:30

What a nightmare. I don't have any right answers, only suggestions. If he is mature and aware, like you say, what about sitting down with him and asking him to suggest appropriate punishment for what he has done. It might make him think about his actions more. Also, think about agreeing future punishments for similar or bad behaviour, so if it happens again, he knows what to expect. If you make a note and get him to sign it, you can whip it out if he complains.

I also wouldn't all have it go one way. Maybe ask him if there are any changes you can make to stop the triggers for him doing it again.

Also, is there any indication of peer pressure or substance abuse?

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