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DD (14) dating boy (15) who has had sex with a 13 year old

(33 Posts)
thefattwins Wed 31-Jul-13 18:21:14

...who is/ was a friend of DD's.

She says that she wouldn't sleep with him, and I believe her. But I'm trying to explain that the fact he had sex with the 13 year old (who he knew liked him a lot, but he didn't feel the same way about her) doesn't make him a very nice person.

She says it's the girl's fault for being "easy" - which is an opinion that disappoints me.

What can I say? Or, do I just back off and wait to pick up the pieces?

mathanxiety Tue 13-Aug-13 06:09:21

Has she had the gardasil innoculation? (for hpv)

mathanxiety Tue 13-Aug-13 06:05:57

Sorry, but your DD likes this boy probably far more than he likes her, and he will try to use her the way he used the last girl. There will follow the slut-shaming Cuddle talked of and no end of grief and possibly pregnancy or an std for your DD. She sounds terribly naive and in love. I hope there won't be too steep a steep learning curve ahead for her, but this boy sounds like really bad news.

Put her on the Pill and preach to her about condoms until she begs you to shutup. This boy sounds like someone who goes for low-hanging fruit. You need to try to find out why having this boy is so important to her. He doesn't want her company, her conversation, the pleasure of hanging out with her in town. He wants sex. Hence he was not available when he couldn't get to spend time alone with her in her bedroom or rolling around on your couch.

None of my DCs dated at 14. None of their friends did either. I have four of them now aged 15, 18, 20 and 23, and one who will be 12 soon. That is a lot of teens who did not date at 14 (youngest to have a bf or gf was 17ish from all that large sample). We are not home ed-ing or members of some strict religious group and none of the friends are either. And they are not butt ugly by any means, or pathologically shy either. I'm not disputing anyone else's personal experience here, but that has been mine and that of many people I know. Normal isn't really a useful word here.

I like the code word idea. I always took the DCs (and their friends too if they wanted) home from parties with no questions asked.

Does the DD have close girl friends? Does she have a hobby or play a sport or take part in any activities that could enhance her life, help her discover her talents and even possibly help her meet nicer boys than this creep she is with? Even volunteering somewhere like a food pantry can get you out of your little teenage bubble where the boy that is here and now assumes far too much importance.

How much does she see of her dad? I think he needs to step in here and size up this boy. Sometimes having a dad give a warning in your ear makes a difference.

Greenkit Tue 13-Aug-13 05:02:07

Invite him round for tea, laugh at all his jokes and think he is the most amazing person you have ever met in your life, he will quickly become the worst person she can spend time with grin

pixelchick10 Tue 13-Aug-13 01:44:37

I would do all I could to subtly discourage this relationship ... and I certainly wouldn't be inviting him round to dinner!! I would point out (in a friendly (definitely not confrontational) mum/daughter 'chat' ... that because he has had underage sex with another child, he is very likely to put pressure on your DC, that it's illegal for a reason, and that if he puts any pressure on her, he is only after one thing, and doesn't respect her feelings ... and that it's 'up to her to do as she wants' but I would steer clear ... boys like this are only after one thing, I'd say, and with the other girl she called 'easy', he will have been bragging about it to his mates ...

chocoluvva Mon 05-Aug-13 19:43:56

Your DD inviting him round when you're out does not necessarily mean she was hoping for serious nooky - it could be that she's embarrassed at the thought of introducing him to you and was looking forward to playing at being grown up by having her BF round when her parents are out.

The fact he changed his mind when she told him you would be home is not very encouraging. He doesn't sound like much of a catch. Hopefully she'll soon realise that. Especially if you are seen to be welcoming but he isn't brave/interested enough to meet you.

livinginwonderland Mon 05-Aug-13 14:53:09

cantdoalgebra it's TOTALLY normal to be dating/having boyfriends at 14.

OP, keep doing what you're doing. Let him come over when you're home, and make sure your DD understands why the rules are there (she seems pretty sensible and understanding so far, so you're obviously doing a good job!)

Bambi27 Mon 05-Aug-13 14:18:23

Theas18 completely agree!!

Theas18 Mon 05-Aug-13 13:53:35

cantdoalgebra I take it you don't have teens?

OP you are clearly doing a good job. Get him round to meet the family. See what he's really like ( and be able to keep an eye!)

Bambi27 Mon 05-Aug-13 13:17:31

Can'tdoalgerbra...surely by doing that she will just push her daughter closer to him? My dh parents were very much against me and never let me stay over etc. (we were 19/20 at the time) instead of hindering out relationship it just made us more determined and we moved out much earlier than we would have if they'd have been supportive. I realise I was a lot older but even so being very negative isn't helpful will just ruin a parents relationship with their child rather than their child's relationship iyswim

cantdoalgebra Mon 05-Aug-13 12:24:59

14 is far too young for anyone to be dating. Do not "invite him round to dinner" or do anything else that facilitates this relationship if you do not approve - clearly you do not, otherwise you would not be writing about it on MN.

Bambi27 Mon 05-Aug-13 12:22:20

Personally I think if she is dating this boy and would like him round your house when you're not there then the likelyhood is she is thinking of having sec with him. Not ideal but I think that's the case. Obviously you know your daughter better but I know I was close to my mum growing up but would still lie through my teeth so she heard what I thought she wanted to...anyway because of this I would perhaps think about birth control. Sex in itself is not ideal at her age and will cause emotional upset I'm sure but added to that teen pregnancy...

OctopusPete8 Mon 05-Aug-13 12:13:45

My mum never let me and my bf stay over , "because it ruins the fun of sneaking around" confused strangest rule ever, I was bloody 18!

But at 13 had I said that to my mum, she'd have said,

"No, I don't trust you, I know what teens are like!" hmm

thefattwins Sun 04-Aug-13 15:37:22

That's not a bad idea. I also told her she should always tell him that she's got no idea when we might be back!

chocoluvva Sun 04-Aug-13 09:37:22

Hopefully it won't last long - always worth bearing in mind.....

My DD and I agreed a code word that she could use on the phone/text when she was with her BF(or in any difficult situation for that matter) if she ever wanted to come home immediately or just didn't want him to know that she was contacting us. Not much help, but better than nothing.

thefattwins Sun 04-Aug-13 09:28:32

I agree less worrying but 13 is no where near old enough to consent. Although I concede that she is probably more mature than him wink

So, she wanted to invite him round here yesterday while we were out and it opened a conversation about rules. We said she wasn't to have him here while we were out, she accused us of not trusting her, we explained that it wasn't that we didn't but that we didn't want her in a difficult position that would be hard for her to deal with. She didn't argue as much as we thought she would and agreed to meet him in town... When she told him the new plan he was mysteriously not available for the day after all hmm

We said he was always welcome here and that us being here wasn't an exercise in making her feel uncomfortable but that we had to be responsible and that it would be nice to get to know him a bit. I'm sure she doesn't think so at all but we are fairly "cool" parents. She actually ended up joking about how if he met her dad he'd probably end up coming round to see him rather than her! I should point out btw that I am her stepmum. Which can mean she is more honest with me in a "special auntie" kind of way so I want to keep that line open. We've had her here from a very little age.

Thanks for all the advice. I shall be back on "teenagers" soon I think confused

OctopusPete8 Fri 02-Aug-13 12:20:59

I think a 15/13 is much, much less of a worry than 15/ and someone in there 20's

teen girls are more mature than boys so emotional could have been on a similar level.

chocoluvva Fri 02-Aug-13 12:18:21

I'd encourage your DD to bring her BF round for dinner so you can get to know him and she can see how he is with adults (which can have the effect of 'unglamourising' a teenage BF). He might not seem so cool when he's sitting at your table engaging in polite conversation! If you know him you will also be able to give relevant advice - if asked for.

Use any opportunity, eg 'Made in Chelsea', Eastenders etc to raise the topic of relationships and demonstrate your sympathy for the promiscuous characters who use sex/sexy clothes etc to try to bolster their self-esteem or whatever IYSWIM. If she knows that you don't disapprove of underage sex where both people involved feel ready and are doing it only because they both want to, then she won't have sex as a way of teenage rebellion.

Try to make your DD feel good enough about herself that she will be less influenced by the attitudes of her peers/BF and less likely to have sex before she's ready.

Encourage/support her to spend time with her friends and offer her fun things to do with you/the rest of the family so that she continues to have a good social life/support system and is hopefully less likely to want to spend too much time with just her BF.

I sympathise with you - it's a very difficult situation. Hopefully the relationship won't last very long or get too intense. Keep her busy doing her own things and keep bolstering her own sense of worth.

lljkk Fri 02-Aug-13 11:28:26

Sometimes on MN I think it gets really obvious who has older vs. younger children. I can almost strictly control who my 4yo socialises with. But a 14yo...

livinginwonderland Fri 02-Aug-13 10:51:57

Why don't you tell her she cannot date him, end of.

Very silly idea. You can't stop your kids dating people, especially when they're at school together! Best thing to do is give advice, be as accepting/supportive as possible, then stand back, and be prepared to be a shoulder to cry on when/if it all goes wrong.

Bowlersarm Fri 02-Aug-13 09:26:50

Oh sorry lljkk just repeated what you have already said!

Bowlersarm Fri 02-Aug-13 09:25:24

Why don't you tell her she cannot date him, end of

Really don't think that's a good idea.

OP: DD you are not to date this boy. That is my final word.
DD: (meekly) oh ok then DM

In the meantime out of bound 15 year old boy becomes more attractive than ever, and now op's dd has to be sneaky about seeing him and OP has no control over the situation at all as dd can't talk to her about it.

lljkk Fri 02-Aug-13 08:41:58

If you reckon that OP's DD will just tell her mother what mother wants to hear, Then won't OP's DD say "Yes mom, I'm not dating him any more" and then go off with him secretly & then have one less adult to talk to if he is pressuring her? Exactly as you expect, but with worse outcomes? I can't see that putting a ban on the lad is going to make things better unless OP wants to chaperone her Dd everywhere for next 6-12 months.

bamboostalks Fri 02-Aug-13 08:07:21

Why don't you tell her she cannot date him, end of. He will certainly be pressuring her or sex and she will capitulate in the end. What she tells you is neither her or there. We've all told our parents what they want to hear.

Cuddleczar Fri 02-Aug-13 08:01:10

One thing it is worth warning your dd about: if they are at school together and the relationship goes wrong in the future, they find themselves in a very difficult position. My 14 yo DD had a very intense relationship with a boy in her year, which lasted 9 months, and when he broke it off (she suspects now that was because she would not do certain things with him) things turned very sour for her at school. He had spread rumours about his previous GF and started spreading rumours about my DD also. (The rumours were that she had done this act that she had refused to do.) I believe it's called slut-shaming. She has found it very difficult to get over him and now says she would never have a BF from the same school. I went to an all girls school, and even the idea of bumping into an old BF in town used to make me shudder so what it is like for her, seeing him every day with his new GF, including in some lessons, I can't imagine. I would have strongly advised her against it if I had realised. And your DD, thefattwins, will come under pressure to do the same as his previous GF. Gotta be realistic though--I am sure my dd would have gone ahead with the relationship even if I had advised her not to. And I agree with you Livinginwonderland, the fact that this boy slept with his underage GF does not make him automatically bad. I personally know a couple who met at school, were having sex by 15, possibly younger, and went on to get married and have two children (now in their late 40s and still together!).

livinginwonderland Fri 02-Aug-13 06:29:38

It is hard - I totally understand that! You sound like a very caring mum - make sure your daughter knows she can come and talk to you and keep the lines of communication open. Try not to criticise this guys actions too much (to her face, anyway) - his hormones will be all over the place and it can be really hard at that age to judge the difference between love and lust, feelings and hormones.

If your daughter is smart and sensible, she should be fine. Good luck! smile

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