DD (14) dating boy (15) who has had sex with a 13 year old(33 Posts)
...who is/ was a friend of DD's.
She says that she wouldn't sleep with him, and I believe her. But I'm trying to explain that the fact he had sex with the 13 year old (who he knew liked him a lot, but he didn't feel the same way about her) doesn't make him a very nice person.
She says it's the girl's fault for being "easy" - which is an opinion that disappoints me.
What can I say? Or, do I just back off and wait to pick up the pieces?
cantdoalgebra I take it you don't have teens?
OP you are clearly doing a good job. Get him round to meet the family. See what he's really like ( and be able to keep an eye!)
cantdoalgebra it's TOTALLY normal to be dating/having boyfriends at 14.
OP, keep doing what you're doing. Let him come over when you're home, and make sure your DD understands why the rules are there (she seems pretty sensible and understanding so far, so you're obviously doing a good job!)
Your DD inviting him round when you're out does not necessarily mean she was hoping for serious nooky - it could be that she's embarrassed at the thought of introducing him to you and was looking forward to playing at being grown up by having her BF round when her parents are out.
The fact he changed his mind when she told him you would be home is not very encouraging. He doesn't sound like much of a catch. Hopefully she'll soon realise that. Especially if you are seen to be welcoming but he isn't brave/interested enough to meet you.
I would do all I could to subtly discourage this relationship ... and I certainly wouldn't be inviting him round to dinner!! I would point out (in a friendly (definitely not confrontational) mum/daughter 'chat' ... that because he has had underage sex with another child, he is very likely to put pressure on your DC, that it's illegal for a reason, and that if he puts any pressure on her, he is only after one thing, and doesn't respect her feelings ... and that it's 'up to her to do as she wants' but I would steer clear ... boys like this are only after one thing, I'd say, and with the other girl she called 'easy', he will have been bragging about it to his mates ...
Invite him round for tea, laugh at all his jokes and think he is the most amazing person you have ever met in your life, he will quickly become the worst person she can spend time with
Sorry, but your DD likes this boy probably far more than he likes her, and he will try to use her the way he used the last girl. There will follow the slut-shaming Cuddle talked of and no end of grief and possibly pregnancy or an std for your DD. She sounds terribly naive and in love. I hope there won't be too steep a steep learning curve ahead for her, but this boy sounds like really bad news.
Put her on the Pill and preach to her about condoms until she begs you to shutup. This boy sounds like someone who goes for low-hanging fruit. You need to try to find out why having this boy is so important to her. He doesn't want her company, her conversation, the pleasure of hanging out with her in town. He wants sex. Hence he was not available when he couldn't get to spend time alone with her in her bedroom or rolling around on your couch.
None of my DCs dated at 14. None of their friends did either. I have four of them now aged 15, 18, 20 and 23, and one who will be 12 soon. That is a lot of teens who did not date at 14 (youngest to have a bf or gf was 17ish from all that large sample). We are not home ed-ing or members of some strict religious group and none of the friends are either. And they are not butt ugly by any means, or pathologically shy either. I'm not disputing anyone else's personal experience here, but that has been mine and that of many people I know. Normal isn't really a useful word here.
I like the code word idea. I always took the DCs (and their friends too if they wanted) home from parties with no questions asked.
Does the DD have close girl friends? Does she have a hobby or play a sport or take part in any activities that could enhance her life, help her discover her talents and even possibly help her meet nicer boys than this creep she is with? Even volunteering somewhere like a food pantry can get you out of your little teenage bubble where the boy that is here and now assumes far too much importance.
How much does she see of her dad? I think he needs to step in here and size up this boy. Sometimes having a dad give a warning in your ear makes a difference.
Has she had the gardasil innoculation? (for hpv)
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