14 year old constantly making smart comments all the time

[MrsRhysMeyers]

My 14 year old DD has always had a habit of saying inappropriate things but recently she has got worse. It is impossible to have a conversation with her without her making a smart arse comment that is totally unrelated to the conversation. For example we might be talking to her about her options, and she will suddenly reply with 'I'm going to study poo, and you should get a funny hat, it would suit you'. That kind of thing.

She also butts in all the time in conversations between my DH and I, which I wouldn't mind if she was contributing to the conversation, but again it is always these inappropriate comments. She can't be serious about anything, has to turn it into a joke, but it's not a funny joke at all.

I have had several phone calls from her schoolteachers over the past year or so, saying she has been messing around in lessons, and just making smart comments all the time, but I haven't had a call now for about 3 months, so I'm gathering she is working better at school now.

It is just so frustrating; she is a bright girl, and lovely in so many ways, but she just can't seem to communicate without smart comments.

[cory]

If her comments are of the type you related then they don't sound like smart comments at all: they sound like very babyish comments from somebody who is very far from the usual 15yo smart alec level. Is she usually very immature? If she is really very bright, why doesn't she try to out-clever you with convoluted arguments and "grown-up" language? This sounds very odd. Does she have any SN? How do her friends cope with this kind of comment? To me they sound like a recipe for bullying. Is she being bullied?

[MuchBrighterNow]

I've seen this in lots of young teens, making innapropriate comments trying to be witty or sarcastic in an amusing way but failing badly... They do grow out of it ! My Ds would endlessing recount funny youtube videos he'd watched without context and impossible to understand, it drove us nuts for a while.

I'd try totally ignoring the annoying comments as if she never said them and instead whenever she says anything that actually contributes to a conversation praise her for her interesting view point, make her feel heard.

[MrsRhysMeyers]

You're absolutely right, cory. If I'd said she was very bright then yes I would expect her to come out with those kinds of comments too and outsmart me. When I said she was 'bright' I was meaning that she is above average in ability in terms of what sets she is in at school and her predicted GCSE grades. Just trying to give a bit of background as in she is capable of understanding things and of rational thought, but doesn't seem to be at home. :)

She is very babyish, and her comments are babyish. She also has screaming tantrums sometimes and I admit I do struggle a little. She is not being bullied at school now but she was bullied at primary school and we moved her to another school. I always think ultimately bullies are responsible for their behaviour but I know that DD did make it worse by saying comments to people all the time, and by being silly in games when other children played with her.

[cory]

Sorry, got the age wrong. Still seems quite young for 14: to me, this would be more an 11-12yo level.

Anyway, MuchBrighter's take seems brilliant: try to encourage grown-up contribution as much as you can and ignore the rest.

[MrsRhysMeyers]

Thank you MuchBrighterNow!

Funnily enough my DD does that recounting thing too. She'll tell me something that has happened at school or that she's said to her friends that isn't remotely funny and the explanation will go on for 15-20 minutes.

Glad to hear she will grow out of it!

[Sarah1611]

It can be an age thing, it's a very weird time for young teens as they don't know quite where they fit into adult conversation. However, do bare in mind that something else may be at play. How is she socially? Does she have many friends? Could she be perhaps on the very highly functioning end of the Autistic spectrum? Aspergers can go for decades as un diagnosed and it can present differently in girls to boys. Not 'getting' typical humour can make the child/person make inappropriate comments as they think they are being funny, whereas they're often very irrelevant.

[DianeDavies]

To be honest, I'm not sure I agree with the suggestions that she could be autistic (sorry).
It does seem immature but there is no set age really for this kind of thing. My son does it, he 13 (a yr younger than yours but thats not much different and it doesn mean he wont still be doing it in a year from now).

It sounds like pure 'getting one over on you'. To come out with a stupid smart arse comment, what can you say back - nothing logical, so she's 'won'. She's 'bugged' you by controlling you. When conversation has finished (in whatever way), you're probably narked/bugged/angry and she'll be shrugging her shoulders/grinning - who's won?

Honestly I know what you're going through, my son has done it for a long time and it drives me insane. He does the same interrupting with nonsense, I think its attention seeking so I TRY not to rise to it (easier said than done). And its really embarassing when he does it on front of other people. I work very hard at ignoring it and definitley NOT telling him he's stupid (even though he sounds it) or putting him down because of it because he will, understandably, respond.

Good luck with it, hopefully she will outgrow it. x

[frissonpink]

Sorry but I agree with Sarah.

Aspergers sounds a real possibility.

[Sarah1611]

This blog post has some interesting thoughts on females with Aspergers- www.myaspergerschild.com/2011/02/female-version-of-aspergers.html

[Kleinzeit]

It?s hard to say. Yes Aspie kids do those things but then again so other kids. It depends on how extreme they are -when your DD is explaining, if you interrupt her after 10 minutes does she go ape-shit? That would be Aspie! . But it does sound as if her social-communication skills are a bit limited, which is not her fault in any case.

Do the inappropriate remarks get worse when she?s stressed? Like, you are talking about her options, which is a demanding thing to discuss, she starts talking poo and silly hats. The silly talk could mean discomfort or anxiety, rather than attention-seeking.

And whether it?s attention-seeking or a communication problem, MuchBrighter?s suggestion is excellent ? it?s what I do for my DS, who is Aspie. Also you can use visuals to indicate when it?s an appropriate time to talk ? my very socially competent but extremely chatty niece had a card for family mealtimes to indicate when it was her turn to talk!