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DD and family are asking me not to use mumsnet

(302 Posts)
Minifingers Thu 30-May-13 10:11:00

My 13 year old DD has stalked me across mumsnet - logging on to my settings and searching my history to see what I've written about her. I've tried to cover my tracks by clearing my history and occasionally name changing, but she's seen quite a lot of what I've written. She is furious that I'm talking about her on an internet board and has asked me to stop. I have explained that I've had fantastic advice and support from this board which at times has been sanity-saving for me, and that it's all anonymous. No matter. She doesn't want me to talk about her here, or to phone parent line and discuss our problems there either.

She has support in this from my mother (who is 78, has never used the internet and doesn't understand how boards like this work) and from DH who I suspect feels pretty contemptuous about mn generally. I've not had one family member support me in seeing this board as useful support and advice.

Should add - I have been bought to the edge of despair by dd's behaviour over the last few years. I feel my life is very stressful - I have an autistic child as well as dd and there are times I have felt like I'm hanging on by my fingertips. The thought of not being able to get support or 'talk' to people outside of the family about what we are going through is very upsetting.

But is it wrong of me to carry on using this board if I know DD is accessing it, and if there's no way I can stop her from seeing my posts?

It's becoming a real issue, and dd has raised it with the psychiatrist she is seeing at CAMHS. She says that they have told her that it's wrong for me to write about my family on mumsnet. I doubt they've actually said this, but he may have acknowledged her feeling her privacy has been violated.

Wonder what you think?

Dumpylump Thu 30-May-13 10:17:25

Tell her to bog the nicest possible way. Clearly from what you've said re her seeing a psychiatrist at CAMHS, she is having a difficult time, but so are you. If posting here helps you, then post.
Why is she so interested in what you're up to? My teenagers couldn't give a monkeys about what I'm doing, or posting on the Internet...I am so incredibly boring, and old that nothing I do or say could possibly be of any interest or use to them!
Keep name changing, keep clearing your history, maybe make use of OTBT, but please don't let her take away your lifeline.

Hullygully Thu 30-May-13 10:18:59

She's using it as part of her battle with you and to her it's probably a great excuse for rage and righteousness.

Tell her you've stopped and do it more secretively.

suckmabigtoe Thu 30-May-13 10:21:44

Ooh thats a tough one!

I think the support i get on mn is invaluable and woul really feel very isolated if i couldnt access it. However if my child asked me not yo discuss him with anyone then id have to respect that. It doesnt mean you cant use mn, but just dont speak about your dd. hard i know as that is what you need support for. What support are you getting in RL?

AgentProvocateur Thu 30-May-13 10:21:51

Tell her that you're an adult, and you won't take orders from a 13-year-old. Then ask her how she'd feel if you read her diaries. It's not like you've named her on here... She shouldn't be stalking you on here. And if she continued, I'd remove her Internet access. Has she nothing better to do?

mixedmamameansbusiness Thu 30-May-13 10:21:58

Can you use MN solely on your phone? I have my account registered to an old email address so I don't get any notifications and only really use my phone to access which means no o e really stumbles on it.

redadmiralsinthegarden Thu 30-May-13 10:23:37

I agree with Agent. you shouldn't be dictated to by a child.

MissLurkalot Thu 30-May-13 10:23:38

This is your lifeline , your counselling in a sense ... You should not stop using it.
Name change more and delete your history.

Grammaticus Thu 30-May-13 10:25:32

Tell her you've stopped, change your name and put your browser in pervert mode. Job done.

Yearofme Thu 30-May-13 10:25:46

She's trying to get the upper hand over you. As pp said, be more secretive.

You are allowed to talk about whats happening in your life. If she wasn't behaving in this way (I read some of your previous posts) you wouldn't have too post about it.

Please do not stop, it will give her more power over you.

EuroShaggleton Thu 30-May-13 10:26:31

I agree with Agent. She should not be telling you what you can and cannot do. Family members supporting her are just enabling her disrespectful behaviour, which will do her no favours in the long run.

ItsallisnowaFeegle Thu 30-May-13 10:26:54

If you need support (and you've said in your OP that you do) then it's important to access it, where you can and where you feel comfortable and safe to reach out.

I'm sorry but tell your DH he needs to keep his opinions to himself on the matter, if he can't/ won't show a united front on your right to use the site.

Your DM (I can kind of understand) she's from a generation when 'you don't air your dirty laundry in public) but it's not her decision to make.

Change your password and username and ensure you DD can't access the site or recognise you from the new username.

This is an instance where you need to put your wishes above all others. It's important.

Good luck

Fairylea Thu 30-May-13 10:28:19

Well I wouldn't like to think someone was discussing me on the internet so I guess that's where she's coming from.

I agree with the others, just tell her you've stopped and be more secretive about it. Maybe change details like ages etc in future to make it easier to say it's not you.

phantomhairpuller Thu 30-May-13 10:29:18

Tell her that if she wasn't such a little shit nightmare at times, then you wouldn't have so much to write about her <not helpful, sorry> wink

Isthisoptional Thu 30-May-13 10:29:31

Is her controlling behaviour modeled by dh? How big a help is he in raising dd? Is this the third generation displaying bullying and you're bearing the brunt of mum, partner and now daughter?

thornrose Thu 30-May-13 10:30:55

Mini, I agree with everyone who says that you should tell her you've stopped and then find a way to carry on.
I have many a rant on here about my 13yo, it is my therapy. If she saw what I write about her she'd be upset no doubt. Luckily she hasn't!

Tianc Thu 30-May-13 10:31:06

She has a real point. Two, actually.

One is that it's horrible having people talk about you behind your back. The talker may get something out of it, but it's not nice to be the person talked about.

Secondly, depending how careful you've been about personal and location information, you may have given away enough to identify you and thus her. And this will stay on the internet, searchable, forever. When she's your age, your comments now will still be there for all to read.

I don't think there's an easy answer to this. Forums like MN are very helpful to people. But the trade-off is a loss of privacy - often the privacy of someone who is NOT the person posting, or receiving even secondary benefit. You feel you can't cope without talking, understandably. But DD is quite right that you are breaching her privacy. It's about balancing those harms - but you and DD will probably disagree about where the balance lies.

At the very least, I think people have a duty of care to namechange to talk about anything sensitive wrt identifiable others.

Sorry, that probably wasn't what you wanted to hear. And is not very constructive.

usualsuspect Thu 30-May-13 10:31:26

Tell her you have stopped, NC as lot.

I expect she rants about you online to her mates.

Badvoc Thu 30-May-13 10:32:22

She doesn't get to tell you what to do.
Neither does your dh.
The very fact she has stalked you across the boards is deeply troubling to me.

wannaBe Thu 30-May-13 10:32:55

I think this is a difficult one tbh.

I think that while internet resources including forums etc are invaluable it is never a healthy place to be to see an internet forum as your only source of support. Support should IMO ultimately come from RL be that professional sources or those who are close to you who are able to offer it. That doesn't mean that support shouldn't be saught online but that it is a dangerous road to go down to rely on online support of strangers alone and feel isolated without it.

Also I think it's very easy to say that you should be entitled to seek support from wherever you want when you're not the one being talked about. It's one thing talking about your personal life to close friends or family, it's quite another doing so on a public internet forum which is accessed by millions of users, and the internet is by no means anonymous, you have no idea who is reading your posts and identifying you from them.

Think about how you would feel if someone was publishing your very personal issues on the internet. I've been on the other side of this and believe me it's not a nice feeling, even if the issues are real and the other person's need for support is legitimate.

IMO you should be seeking support from RL, and your dd's privacy does deserve some respect.

randgirl Thu 30-May-13 10:33:35

Who is the adult here? No, you should not leave the boards.

CrazyOldCatLady Thu 30-May-13 10:34:45

Definitely don't stop using mn, but honestly, I don't like the idea of lying about it. Not only is it dishonest, it's letting her think she has power over you.

I'd tell her I was going to continue, and as someone said, remove her internet access if she continued the stalking.

Minifingers Thu 30-May-13 10:35:30

DH is brilliant in every other way. He is massively supportive of me.

He just doesn't really understand mumsnet forums or why they are the seventh wonder of the world how they help.

GoblinGranny Thu 30-May-13 10:37:14

Namechange, be careful about what you say to minimise others identifying members of your family, but don't leave because of pressure from others. You said very clearly :

'I have been bought to the edge of despair by dd's behaviour over the last few years. I feel my life is very stressful - I have an autistic child as well as dd and there are times I have felt like I'm hanging on by my fingertips. The thought of not being able to get support or 'talk' to people outside of the family about what we are going through is very upsetting. '

You need the support, and she's part of the problem. She doesn't get to cut you off from a lifeline because she's pissed off.

suckmabigtoe Thu 30-May-13 10:37:47

Im seeing a bit of contradiction from some responses. Saying 'put your foot down/ dont let her dictate to you' but also saying ' tell her youve stopped then namechange' . Well thats still letting her think she has control over you if you do that. If you want to put your foot down, then do it, but stand by it! Dont then go and pretend to do what shes asked as not only is it breaching a trust but its defeating your purpose of asserting your authority.

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