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Feel like telling dd to leave, had enough now

(12 Posts)
lia66 Tue 28-May-13 20:12:33

Dd is 18, quick back story is that she got involved in drugs and alcohol a few years ago culminating in her stealing our car, blowing up the engine, court appearance and a referral order. The drink and drugs have been going on for a few years, she has massive self esteem issues but through everything I have stuck by her.
When she stole the car, she went to live with a relative for a few months and under the supervision of a lovely referral officer she seemed to pull herself together somewhat. She came home to live with us last September, dh ( not bio father, ) gave her a good job and an apprenticeship in his company and everything seemed to be going well. The ex is back in prison and dd has no illusions that he used her and is not in contact with him. We moved across the country to where Dh's business is based and have all made a fresh start. She is the eldest of 6, she and my ds1 are from 1st marriage, 4 under ten from this marriage. Together 11 and half yrs now.
After Christmas she gave uP her job, it's boring, I don't like it!! So now she spends most of her time at her friends house who also has no job. She can't claim until July as she gave up her job voluntarily.

A few weeks ago she broke down saying she feels like she's slipping back into her old ways, had been with someone and did come with him. Too many days woke up and not known where she was. We made a plan to make a big effort to get a job, stay off alcohol etc and she has managed to secure an apprenticeship with a events planning company.

This weekend she said she was going to visit her friends auntie in Aylesbury, back Sunday. I found out on Sunday that she wasn't here but back where she stayed whilst away from home after the court and with my nieces step brothers, one of whom is just out of prison, both on amphetamines. I know she will have been doing drugs too.

Even last night, she told me she was back from aunties at her friends and was going to her job trial day today. My niece rang me this morning saying she's still there with her sb's.

I can't go through it all again, I just feel sad now, I'm not even angry at being lied to yet again. I just feel like I want her to move out now.

And now I've found out she's writing to some bloke in prison.

mummy250271 Tue 28-May-13 22:49:08

People claim you are always meant to stick by your children, but I totally understand how you must be feeling, it must be awful and I know I would feel as you do. Is there a local gp or anyone you could visit and see if your daughter can be "put" somewhere, I dont know where rehab or something along those lines, she obviously has some serious issues which she needs help sorting. I am sure if you emphasize that you basically just cannot cope anymore, that your gp could come up with some suggestions. Sorry I can't be of more help xx

LadyMaiBlossom Tue 28-May-13 23:01:04

She is 18 yo, thats an adult. Kick her out and she will have to grow up and take responsability.

Dont give her money.
Give her a months notice to move out
Stop enableing her

You have done it one way that hasnt worked now try it the hard way with tough love.

Good luck xx

peskyginge Tue 28-May-13 23:23:57

What a total nightmare but I have to agree she is not a child anymore and you have done plenty to try and help her out. A stint in the real world may be what she needs, and its not healthy for your other kids to see her continue like this. Also I don't think kicking her out is giving up on her, and I am sure you will still be there for her but a change of tactics are needed!!! Tell her calmly how you feel and that she needs to move out and Jo to her gp for support.
This won't be easy but you have to draw the line somewhere. Best of luck x

peskyginge Tue 28-May-13 23:26:01

Sorry typo.... For her to go to her gp for support.

Also your local council will have a drug and alcohol intervention team get her to get in contact with them too.

lia66 Wed 29-May-13 08:15:54

God I am a mug sad just found out that she's been in touch with the ex who was involved with her stealing our car, meeting up, hassling his girlfriend. Taking drugs with her older brother and sister at a party ( not my dcs), in march.
It's all been a lie, everything since moving here with us has all been a sham.
I feel sick to my stomach. She has to leave.

She hasn't responded to my calls or texts since Monday now.

lia66 Wed 29-May-13 08:17:00

Pesky, she's had drug and alcohol rehab with councillers

specialsubject Wed 29-May-13 15:08:08

I'm so sorry.

enough kicks in the teeth. Hide the valuables, change the locks.

peskyginge Wed 29-May-13 16:38:39

You really have done and tried everything you can, and she is just taking you and the rest of your family for a ride. Defo change the locks!!

MrsTomHardy Wed 29-May-13 16:53:23

I agree to some tough love although I can understand how hard it is going to be for you.

Cerisier Thu 30-May-13 05:08:38

Sorry to hear all this lia. Who are the older brother and sister? Where do they live? It sounds like a major family conference with all the parents is needed and some ultimatums/plans sorted with the older teens.

I know people on MN are quick to say chuck them out, but I could not chuck out my 17YO without knowing she was safe and had a bed to sleep in each night.

The drug use is affecting brains and reducing motivation and energy so until that stops you are on a hiding to nothing. Moving away was good but it hasn't got her far enough from drug suppliers. The drug and alcohol rehab hasn't been enough since the stuff is still available and she has friends/relations using.

The trouble is that DD has got to want to stay off drugs and turn her life around, you can't just order her to.

mathanxiety Sat 01-Jun-13 18:50:09

But you can let her get to the point where she wants to get sober, painful though that probably will be to witness, and providing a safe place for her to sleep, a job, and a chance for a future hasn't done that. Maybe she is one of those people who has to learn things the hard way?

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