Hi everyone
I am mum to two young men, 24 and 20, and stepmum to a 14 year old girl who lives with me and my husband, her father. Her mum is an alcoholic who is in the final stages of liver disease, so my SD does have issues on that front which are being dealt with via counselling and specialised psychiatry. She came to live with us 2 years ago now, and when she first moved in and for I guess a year or so afterwards, made loads of new friends and was always out with her mates going places and having fun. Great, we were happy she'd settled in and was making friends, and she was extremely happy, despite what was going on with her mum. However, she would also spend a lot of free time on her laptop and smartphone, and it got to the stage, just before Christmas where she wasn't going out at all and preferred being in her room alone glued to a computer/phone screen. She started to become withdrawn and sullen so we decided to take action and restrict her computer/phone time to encourage her to start going out again or invite mates round. We restricted her to an hour a day of computer/phone time and said if she went out with friends, or invited a friend round for tea/watch a movie then she would get an extra hour on her computer. We told her that when she was actively going out she was noticeably happier, buzzing even and that we wanted to encourage socialising in the flesh rather than encourage socialising in a virtual way.
However, it's not really worked, and just lately she's not been going out for over a week at a time. We decided that perhaps, especially now we have lighter evenings, we should reward her more with computer time if she did go out or have a friend round, but restrict it if she didn't make the effort. We said that we wanted her to go out or have a friend round at least 3 times per week, and if she didn't then she wouldn't get her hour of computer time per day, and would only have it if she went out. Initially she did make some effort, and would come back from seeing friends happy, buzzing and excited, jumping around all over the place - a different child! Then it all stopped again and over the last couple of weeks she's only had computer time on 4 days. Yesterday when she got in from school, as it was sunny and nice I said to her she should get out and enjoy the nice weather. She said she couldn't be bothered and went upstairs and put her pyjama's on. I tried to encourage her to invite a friend round, but she didn't want to, so I told her no computer time. Later, when my husband got home, he went to see her in her room and she was crying, saying that she felt she had to go out to earn computer time and didn't like being pushed into going out or having friends round and said she preferred being in her room, miserable and alone. He then spoke to me and said he thinks I'm being too harsh and strict, and that I should let up on trying to encourage her to go out or have friends round. She told him however, that if her hour a day of computer time was reinstated, she would make an effort to go out more. Of course I felt awful, like my efforts to try and get her out were unappreciated by my husband and by her. I went up to speak to her and said that she was noticeably happier when she'd been out with friends, so why would she choose to sit alone and miserable in her room. She didn't have an answer.
I just don't know what to do. My only previous experience of teens was my boys, and they were out all the time or had friends in, so we didn't have any of these issues. I know girls are different, and I am trying to learn how best to handle her, but it's hard. I suppose if she really does just want to sit in her room, alone and miserable then that's her choice, but when we know she's much happier when she's been out, it's hard to allow her to do that. She does nothing around the house either, and has to be nagged to bathe or tidy her room. She does have loads of friends, so it's not like she hasn't got any.
So, do we reinstate the hour a day of computer time in the hope she makes more effort to go out, or is she just saying she'll make the effort to get the extra computer time? What if we give in and she still doesn't go out?
Help!!!!
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19 replies
NikNox41 · 16/05/2013 12:54
OP posts:
mindfulmum ·
16/05/2013 20:09
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