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16 yr old DS wants girlfriend to stay night in his bed

(61 Posts)
Trinity50 Sat 11-May-13 23:03:35

My ds is 16 (17 in September). We have a pretty good relationship and he is generally a fairly sensible, well behaved boy, and is doing well at school. He has been going out with his girlfriend for 6 months now and has just asked if she could stay the night in his room. The trouble is, she is only 15 (16 in October). We had a long chat and it turns out they are having a sexual relationship as i had suspected. She is on the pill and he uses condoms as well. Her mum is apparently quite happy for her to stay overnight. I am reluctant to let her stay in his room due to her age - it would look like I am condoning it, plus DS's younger sister is only 12. I am pleased he has felt able to talk to me about his relationship but I suppose my main concern is that his girlfriend is not 16. My dh has just said 'no' as she is under 16. DS had a very rare strop and just thinks we are out of touch with things as we are older parents. Probably a stupid question, but would the police ever prosecute a 16 year old for child abuse for having sex with a 15 year old?
Any advice is much appreciated!

Jimalfie Tue 14-May-13 09:36:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lljkk Mon 13-May-13 20:04:23

Even if the girl were age 16+ I'd still feel queasy about it. Am I hopelessly out of touch? Because if she spends the night then I assume they ARE having sex, and what 16yo wants mum to know they're having sex? I think I would have died first than have my parents know that.

I could handle 18+. maybe 17.5+.

SirChenjin Mon 13-May-13 17:23:56

was our responsibility

SirChenjin Mon 13-May-13 17:23:23

Who is 'forcing' them to do it in a public place?!

My mum and dad didn't allow us to have sex in their house when we were 16 - as far as they were concerned, just because we had taken the decision to start shagging the boyfriend of the moment didn't mean they had to facilitate or condone it by providing the bed. How and were we did it were our responsibility, given that we were adults - and a very sensible decision it was too.

sussexmum38 Mon 13-May-13 15:58:44

I don't imagine legal issues, but I would be torn with the decision. Would not feel happy with little more than kids having sex under my roof. But it is safer the forcing them to do it in a public place. They seem sensible with the contraception.

anklebitersmum Mon 13-May-13 15:57:39

Old, draconian and in the "No" camp here.

Twofold reason that it won't be happening in my house
1. Because I said so
2. Because DH said so


oh & well said Soupdragon and Ragwort

SoupDragon Mon 13-May-13 15:48:36

There is a world of difference between knowing they are doing it and ensuring they use contraception and actively encouraging it.

lljkk Mon 13-May-13 15:46:58

No, it would make me accessory to a crime and really, if sex is that great, it's worth waiting for.

IcingTheCake Mon 13-May-13 15:28:02

ragwort I know haha but they're probably having sex in the house anyway, to be honest she's very lucky she has such an honest ds smile

Ragwort Mon 13-May-13 12:19:47

Icing - you say you 'prevent nothing' - but you prevent them from having sex in your house, when you are there. That is about respecting your boundaries and your parents' home.

We all know that teenagers will have sex, we just don't have to condone it in our own home by making up a double bed and serving tea in the morning grin.

Trinity50 Sun 12-May-13 20:38:50

Gosh, thanks everyone for all the advice. I looked this morning and no one had replied so I forgot to check again until now! DH and I have both told him no, for the time being. I am actually going to have a chat with her mum to see what she thinks too about it all, as a few of you suggested. Ds has got over his strop and seems to have forgotten about it all, once he knew we weren't going to budge with our decision.
I think I may have a chat though about the underage risks, however unlikely police involvement might be.
Thanks everyone, really helpful to hear your opinions.

SirChenjin Sun 12-May-13 20:32:55

Agree with Carpe too. Teenagers tend to like boundaries, although they pretend not to - it gives them a sense of security, lets them know that you care about their welfare, and that you are not their mate but their parent who will shoulder the blame for not allowing them to do whatever they hell they like when they are not mature enough to cope with the consequences.

Delayingtactic Sun 12-May-13 20:30:40

Ok actually take it all back. DH told me that if she makes a complaint and wants to take it further the police will follow it up and it could go so far as a prosecution. So no I won't be letting him and will now be making that clear to DS when he gets to that age!

LadyPeterWimsey Sun 12-May-13 20:27:35

Agree, great posts, Carpe.

When parents shrug their shoulders and say 'what can you do?', it gives their kids no excuses. I was enormously grateful that my parents were pretty strict because I could always blame them, rather than having to say 'I just don't want to', and then feeling pressurised further.

Selba Sun 12-May-13 20:20:10

Carpe , brilliant posts

Mrscupcake23 Sun 12-May-13 20:13:51

Ragwort I certainly have not heard anything and I hope that have not heard us either.

chocoluvva Sun 12-May-13 20:04:08

Ragwort the teenagers certainly won't want to be overheard either!

IcingTheCake Sun 12-May-13 17:44:30

Sorry but if theyre already having sex id bet theyve done it in his bed! I honestly think by saying no you prevent nothing, my mum and dad wouldnt let my OH stay in my room so we either stayed at his and said it was in separate rooms or just went to bed together anyway and say 'oh we fell asleep watching tv' and such, now i look back maybe i shouldnt have but they even agree now that it does seem silly when someone is already having sex, the falling asleep together bit isnt what you need to worry about! Saying she cant stay wont stop them having sex in your house im sorry to say, unless you never let them out of your sight - which i really hope you dont do! Haha

ZZZenagain Sun 12-May-13 15:59:15

wouldn't risk it. What if they break up and you get all kinds of trouble over this for one thing?

jellybeans Sun 12-May-13 15:56:38

My DD is 16 and been asking to stay at BF house for a while. I won't allow it while she is still at school. I wouldn't have him here as there are 5 DC and not a lot of room. It's fine for friends sleeping over but not BF-it's too awkward. I said will reconsider her staying there when she is at college (she will be nearer 17).

Wuldric Sun 12-May-13 15:53:32

I am just imagining DH's reaction to this suggestion and it has made me rofl. I would say a firm no. For goodness sake, what are fields, back seats of cars, random nights when the aged p's are away FOR, exactly, if not to accommodate teenage sex?

bringbacksideburns Sun 12-May-13 15:50:04

If they do they will be in their twenties and i will have to soundproof the house!!

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 12-May-13 15:42:33

Agree with bring

Shudder. Really do not want to think/hear/know about DD having sex thank you!!

Ragwort Sun 12-May-13 15:39:23

Too right bring - do all you mums who would allow boy/girl friends to stay over night really want to hear their sex life? Would you feel comfortable having sex with your partner whilst they are at it in the next room grin.

There is no way I would want my 16 year old child to be in a 'committed' relationship at that age, it is far, far too young (in my opinion).

bringbacksideburns Sun 12-May-13 15:23:01

I shall be interested in a few years time to maybe hear this 'but everyone else's mum lets them' baloney.

I think you are doing the right thing. 15 is too young to be staying overnight with your boyfriend, having sex and then going to school next day. What is the rush for? There is plenty of time if they care about each other.

I sometimes roll my eyes when the hip mums come on and say of course, etc Do they live in massive houses where you can easily turn a blind eye because you are on another floor or something? The walls in my house are like paper, you can hear a fart, i do not want to listen to my childrens sex lives in the future thanks very much.

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