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16 yr old DS wants girlfriend to stay night in his bed

(61 Posts)
Trinity50 Sat 11-May-13 23:03:35

My ds is 16 (17 in September). We have a pretty good relationship and he is generally a fairly sensible, well behaved boy, and is doing well at school. He has been going out with his girlfriend for 6 months now and has just asked if she could stay the night in his room. The trouble is, she is only 15 (16 in October). We had a long chat and it turns out they are having a sexual relationship as i had suspected. She is on the pill and he uses condoms as well. Her mum is apparently quite happy for her to stay overnight. I am reluctant to let her stay in his room due to her age - it would look like I am condoning it, plus DS's younger sister is only 12. I am pleased he has felt able to talk to me about his relationship but I suppose my main concern is that his girlfriend is not 16. My dh has just said 'no' as she is under 16. DS had a very rare strop and just thinks we are out of touch with things as we are older parents. Probably a stupid question, but would the police ever prosecute a 16 year old for child abuse for having sex with a 15 year old?
Any advice is much appreciated!

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 12-May-13 14:01:49

Just posted this on another thread wink

My promise to my Kids: I am not your friend. I am your Mother. I will stalk you, flip out on you, lecture you, drive you insane, be your worst nightmare & hunt you down like a bloodhound when needed because I LOVE YOU! When you understand that, I will know you are a responsible adult.

Agree with Ragwort 'I just don't get why parents have to be so 'chummy' with their own children'


He's 16. He's a child. She's 15. Very much a child. Personally i'm not one for the legalities here. More just the moral message for me.

You're supposed to be the big bad mother here saying 'no' ! grin

FoundAChopinLizt Sun 12-May-13 14:02:04

I will be saying no, until they are paying me rent, doing their own washing, housework, cooking regularly and generally behaving like adults. Only then are they demonstrating sufficient maturity to handle an unexpected pregnancy.

Mrscupcake23 Sun 12-May-13 14:16:49

I had the exact same problem. My son who is sixteen has a nearly sixteen year old gf.

I said no way so she slept here in the spare room even though I knew they were already having sex. This meant they sat downstairs after we went to bed fell asleep downstairs and they went to their separate bedrooms.

The girls mum said she didn't mind them in the same room so I gave in. Tbh I quite like my son in at night knowing where he is and they were doing it anyway. Never heard of anyone getting prosecuted.

CarpeVinum Sun 12-May-13 14:16:52

Although in the case of the OP's DS and his GF they're already sexually active, so she wouldn't be preventing them having sex at this tender age.

So was I. It wasn't about her putting the horses back after they had bolted. It was about me having a something to anchor a retreat from sexual activity on, or a way to avoid escaltion at the very least. Or at least to feel like I could limit it to my preferred pace, frequencey and degree by using home as a "veeto zone".

Back then there was an attitude amoung my peers that once you'd done the deed your excuse to avoid it with that person or the next person was gone. With mum seeming to agree that there was no basis for even trying to do something to stop it, I felt like my mother had come down on the side of my peers view and thus confirmed it's validity.

On a very "teenage thinking" level home was my safe zone. I could say no there becuase "mum will go mad", and I could play the "I have to go home, not allowed out today" card to avoid contact extending beyond my confort zone by having contact limited to inside the safe zone. But then home stopped being safe cos the kybosh had been removed.

It is hard to explain it as a grown up. My teenage head when I try to get back into now was all one big conflictual mess...and far too worried about what everybody else thought I should rather than just doing (or not doing) what I wanted.

The best way to describe I suppose is it felt like my one layer of protection was whipped off, by my mum. She didn't mean to, god knows I never tried to explain it and out of daft teenage pride/dignity felt almost obliged to follow through and take advantage of the new leeway so there was nothing in my behavoir that would have suggested to her the "whipping off of protective layer" thing. Not without gaining a sudden ability to read my mind anyway. Which is asking a bit much of a parent. grin

BackforGood Sun 12-May-13 14:28:46

Great post Wish

BooCanary Sun 12-May-13 14:40:08

I don't think I could allow it. I couldn't condone it at that age.

However, I think at 16+ I would allow it IF it was my belief that the relationship was longterm/serious.

My DM allowed me to have serious boyfriends to stay from 18+. It was the right move, especially as I went to University at 18 and could bring back anyone I wanted!

My MIL didn't allow me and DH to share a room until we were married, by which time we had been together for 7 years, been living together for 6 years (including 5 years in our jointly owned house). Totally RIDICULOUS IMO! I often wonder whether we would have still had to have separate rooms if we'd had DCs before getting married!!!

purpleroses Sun 12-May-13 15:06:23

I wouldn't believe his claim that his GF's parents are OK about it without actually speaking to them. If they were, why wouldn't he be staying there?

My DSD - also 15, nearly 16 - has been staying out a lot lately, and lying about where she's been. Your DS's GF could be doing exactly the same and telling her parent's she's staying with a friend, when she's actually with you. The chances of it all blowing up badly are much higher if they're not in fact OK about it.

(Carpe - your posts make have hit a nerve with me as that's exactly how I worry my DSD might feel in years to come if no one really cares where she is at night sad )

Mrscupcake23 Sun 12-May-13 15:11:39

Purpleroses the gf mum phoned me up. Also he does stay there. I was stricter with my daughter which just resulting in her just staying at her boyfriends all the time.

Don't want the same thing to happen again.

AmazingBouncingFerret Sun 12-May-13 15:13:59

Insist on separate rooms. You havent truely lived until you've done the late night room swapping as a teenager. All this being open about their relationship malarky is just spoiling the fun of sneakng around! wink

purpleroses Sun 12-May-13 15:14:50

But the OP hasn't spoken to the GF's mum herself. She only has her DS's word for it.

Josully Sun 12-May-13 15:18:25

Hi, my parents let my boyfriend stay once I was over 16, and think that if you have a good relationship with your son, I would let his girlfriend stay once she is of age. If your son falls out with the girlfriend in question ( which they very often do!) he has to understand the risks, she could go to the police and cause a lot of trouble for you and your family! Very risky for your son to be having sex with an underage, I would suggest having a chat to him about the possible outcomes if it all goes wrong!?

bringbacksideburns Sun 12-May-13 15:23:01

I shall be interested in a few years time to maybe hear this 'but everyone else's mum lets them' baloney.

I think you are doing the right thing. 15 is too young to be staying overnight with your boyfriend, having sex and then going to school next day. What is the rush for? There is plenty of time if they care about each other.

I sometimes roll my eyes when the hip mums come on and say of course, etc Do they live in massive houses where you can easily turn a blind eye because you are on another floor or something? The walls in my house are like paper, you can hear a fart, i do not want to listen to my childrens sex lives in the future thanks very much.

Ragwort Sun 12-May-13 15:39:23

Too right bring - do all you mums who would allow boy/girl friends to stay over night really want to hear their sex life? Would you feel comfortable having sex with your partner whilst they are at it in the next room grin.

There is no way I would want my 16 year old child to be in a 'committed' relationship at that age, it is far, far too young (in my opinion).

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 12-May-13 15:42:33

Agree with bring

Shudder. Really do not want to think/hear/know about DD having sex thank you!!

bringbacksideburns Sun 12-May-13 15:50:04

If they do they will be in their twenties and i will have to soundproof the house!!

Wuldric Sun 12-May-13 15:53:32

I am just imagining DH's reaction to this suggestion and it has made me rofl. I would say a firm no. For goodness sake, what are fields, back seats of cars, random nights when the aged p's are away FOR, exactly, if not to accommodate teenage sex?

jellybeans Sun 12-May-13 15:56:38

My DD is 16 and been asking to stay at BF house for a while. I won't allow it while she is still at school. I wouldn't have him here as there are 5 DC and not a lot of room. It's fine for friends sleeping over but not BF-it's too awkward. I said will reconsider her staying there when she is at college (she will be nearer 17).

ZZZenagain Sun 12-May-13 15:59:15

wouldn't risk it. What if they break up and you get all kinds of trouble over this for one thing?

IcingTheCake Sun 12-May-13 17:44:30

Sorry but if theyre already having sex id bet theyve done it in his bed! I honestly think by saying no you prevent nothing, my mum and dad wouldnt let my OH stay in my room so we either stayed at his and said it was in separate rooms or just went to bed together anyway and say 'oh we fell asleep watching tv' and such, now i look back maybe i shouldnt have but they even agree now that it does seem silly when someone is already having sex, the falling asleep together bit isnt what you need to worry about! Saying she cant stay wont stop them having sex in your house im sorry to say, unless you never let them out of your sight - which i really hope you dont do! Haha

chocoluvva Sun 12-May-13 20:04:08

Ragwort the teenagers certainly won't want to be overheard either!

Mrscupcake23 Sun 12-May-13 20:13:51

Ragwort I certainly have not heard anything and I hope that have not heard us either.

Selba Sun 12-May-13 20:20:10

Carpe , brilliant posts

LadyPeterWimsey Sun 12-May-13 20:27:35

Agree, great posts, Carpe.

When parents shrug their shoulders and say 'what can you do?', it gives their kids no excuses. I was enormously grateful that my parents were pretty strict because I could always blame them, rather than having to say 'I just don't want to', and then feeling pressurised further.

Delayingtactic Sun 12-May-13 20:30:40

Ok actually take it all back. DH told me that if she makes a complaint and wants to take it further the police will follow it up and it could go so far as a prosecution. So no I won't be letting him and will now be making that clear to DS when he gets to that age!

SirChenjin Sun 12-May-13 20:32:55

Agree with Carpe too. Teenagers tend to like boundaries, although they pretend not to - it gives them a sense of security, lets them know that you care about their welfare, and that you are not their mate but their parent who will shoulder the blame for not allowing them to do whatever they hell they like when they are not mature enough to cope with the consequences.

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