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Do I/how do I let my 18 yr old DD know she lied to me?

(9 Posts)
amumthatcares Wed 08-May-13 13:15:31

I read on an earlier thread today that if your Google your DC you can get their Tweets up. I never realised that and so tried it and read through a few. Now I know I have invaded her privacy and I'm not happy/proud of myself but I am disturbed by one thing I read.

DD has a fascination with the Brighton clubbing scene and goes down there quite often (we live 2.5 hours away). I always ask her what her slepping arrangements are etc. She drove down several weeks ago with a friend to go to see a band on the Fri and go general clubbing on the Sat. I am ALWAYS stressing to her that she HAS to leave 12 hours between drinking her last drink and driving. When she went down this time I asked where she was staying. She told me she was staying with student friends that she met on holiday last year. Having read her tweets, it now transpires that they slept in her car!!! I am livid as we have always told her too that if she is found in her car, drunk, she will still be done for drink driving. Apart from the obvious lack of any decent sleep for two nights on top of all the alchohol and then driving back on the Sunday, I am absolutely gutted that she took that risk and lied to me about it. Should I, or how do I, tackle her about it? angry

She also lost her phone in a club on the Sat and ended up with a fat lip that she said she got in a 'mosh pit' but her Tweets say this was not the case but doesn't actually say how she got it!! Help please sad

SPsYoniTheOneAndOnly Wed 08-May-13 13:17:13

Shes an adult at 18 just tell her

Beamur Wed 08-May-13 13:20:22

It's disappointing to be lied to.
But, your DD is 18 - so she is an adult, so she does have to make her own choice - and mistakes.
You've pointed out the pitfalls and the dangers, but at this age, you can't really do much to enforce them.
You could just be totally honest with her - say you read her tweets - (there's another life lesson in there about digital privacy) and you're disappointed that she has lied to you and put herself at risk.

halestone Wed 08-May-13 13:20:42

Be honest with her and tell her what you've seen. Your DD may be angry at first but at least she'll know your honest with her. You could broach it by telling her what you've seen and explain that whilst your upset, you really would just rather find a solution to her sleeping arrangements for the next time she goes. Possibly look up cheap bed and breakfasts or hostels in the area she could stay at and have a list ready, so she can choose something she can afford.

Also explain that whilst you know she is an adult and can do what she likes, you would rather her be able to approach you about any matter.

amumthatcares Wed 08-May-13 13:31:41

Thank you. I do actually try to help her find cheap accommodation (even offering to help with the cost on occassion to ensure she is safe) and that is why I usually ask where she is staying...obviously the appeal of not paying for a proper bed and having more to spend on enjoying herself has taken priority. My biggest worry is her driving home after (busy motorway all the way).

We have always been very close and I did think she could approach me about anything, which is why I feel so upset.

flow4 Wed 08-May-13 22:48:22

I hate hate HATE being lied to. angry sad
Through hard experience, I have learned that the only way to avoid it at this age is not to try to control what they're doing, but to be accepting of their choices even if you don't like them.
If you tell them "I really don't want you to do X", and they care about your opinion (which your DD obviously does), then they will be very tempted to lie when they do it.

MrRected Wed 08-May-13 22:53:51

She's 18. Talk to her, not at her or she will just shut down.

Express your concerns calmly and if she chooses to push you away don't push it.

amumthatcares Thu 09-May-13 11:11:57

Flow me too sad - very good advice and I am going to try what you suggest. It's like once they reach 18 a switch flicks for them and we are supposed to turn from caring, loving, guiding parents into people that have no input and should mind our own business. I do try to tell her that I didn't stop caring or worrying the day she turned 18. It's not about me still having control, it's like you say, about me trying to be more accepting of her choices and not displaying my worry - it's not easy [sad

sweetfluffybunnies Thu 09-May-13 11:18:31

Actually I don't think reading her tweets is invading her privacy - it is a public forum, so just tell her you know.

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