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smoking and 13 year old ds

(61 Posts)
Ghostsgowoooh Sun 05-May-13 19:33:50

I caught him smoking, in his room angry. I went nuts (as you would) he started crying and when we we both calmed down we had a talk about why he was doing it.

It turns out he has been smoking for a while and a lot of his mates smoke, Ive put consequences in, grounding, given him a lecture about how dangerous it is

He was very honest with me and said he feels anxious and stressed a lot (he has asd and adhd) and his relationship with his dad has hit an all time low and he is very upset about that. He has problems at school which are not helped by the schools attitude and lack of support and ds says smoking helps calm him down sad

I can't be angry with him, I just can't. I'm disapointed and upset that he has started to smoke but he has been through so much. He has struggled to accept his diagnosis of asd and its either his way or the highway.

All I can do is put in boundaries around the smoking, he never ever does it in front of me or the other dc, I will not be providing him with money to smoke and just hope he sees the light.

So come on I'm a fool aren't I? But Ive been through so much with ds, violence, aggression, truanting, asd diagnosis and so on that I just can't get worked up about the smoking (although it worries me yes) and he's only 13.

louisejackson Mon 12-Aug-13 11:55:44

My DS aged 15 started smoking last year, he was upfront with me from the start, I explained that I wasn't impressed and we talked about it a great deal. In the end, I did some research (having never smoked more than 10 cigarettes in my life, all at school as a kid) and found that smoking actually does nothing for you, it lowers your endorphin levels when you don't smoke, so that when you do, you feel better, hence the addiction. My son and I talked about this too, he is very mature and understood, he took the decision to quit. I think that this is the ideal parent - son relationship, I have tried treating him like a child in the past ('grounding him' etc.), it doesn't work, he is his own person. Maybe give this a try:

JulieMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 06-Aug-13 18:01:03


We just wanted to make you aware that this is an old thread so you may not get as many responses as you may hope. You're very welcome to start a new thread.


foxy6 Tue 06-Aug-13 16:00:02

my ds is 14 and started smoking over a year ago we ha've had lots off discussions about smoking and lots of I've stopped for us to find out he hasn't and last week we found out he has been smoking weed sad . he is currently grounded but unless we lock all doors and Windows he just either sneaks out or storms out sad . I have made a Dr appointment for him to try and get help to sort out his problems. so I would he very cautious with you son and where things might lead.

asdfghjkl123 Tue 06-Aug-13 15:10:25

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wol1968 Tue 07-May-13 16:05:57

Just pointing out that it is actually illegal for under 18's to buy any tobacco products, so you'd be well within your rights to ban them from your house altogether. You might want to discuss the law, and why it's there, with your DS. Round here the police confiscate any booze or fags from under-age teenagers.

Sorry, probably no help at all...

specialsubject Mon 06-May-13 11:44:13

dying of lung cancer won't make any sense to him. At the moment the risk is that he sets the house on fire, so whatever else, you need to ban him from lighting up indoors.

also train him that dog ends and fag ash are litter and need to be crushed out and put in bins.

can he understand what others have said - that nicotine does not calm you down, it simply quells the withdrawal?

hope you can get help with the bigger problems.

flow4 Mon 06-May-13 11:03:24

Funny you should say that Ghost. I have arthritis too, and walking also hurts me. It has become a dangerous vicious circle, because I've put on a lot of weight cos I avoid walking, and then of course the extra weight puts extra strain on my joints. sad I'm trying a cross-trainer now, which is impact free...

Anyway, that's a bit of a diversion from your OP - except that I think it's especially hard to watch your kids damaging their future health just as you are dealing with the fact that your own is failing. sad

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Mon 06-May-13 10:59:11

Can you bribe him big time? I would absolutely hate for my kids to smoke and would do anything to stop them if they did.
You would have to get him to take it seriously, bribe him with something amazing, get him to fill out a declaration agreeing to be tested for nicotine and see what happens. Carry out a test every month or so. Make sure the bribe is retractable (something like a games system).

It may sound extreme but you could be saving him THOUSANDS of pounds, help reduce his chances of using drugs and, of course, protect his health.

Ghostsgowoooh Mon 06-May-13 10:42:04

Thanks Theonewiththehair smile

flow4 dying scares me to death, my body is starting to decline and i'm mid 30's for ffs, I have arthrits starting in my ankles and walking is painful, people have died all round me lately. [cheery soul]

Ghostsgowoooh Mon 06-May-13 10:38:35

Inneedofbrandy well done for giving up, my mum has struggled for years to give up and not succeeded so I know its hard. I will have a look at the allan carr book

Maryz their logic is amazing isn't it. I shake my head at some of the things ds comes out with

flow4 Mon 06-May-13 10:38:07

I'm in my late 40s, and having to come to terms with the fact that I'm not immortal... sad As someone said: "Just as you start getting your head together, your body starts falling apart"!

TheOneWithTheHair Mon 06-May-13 10:33:06

Ghost I'm mid thirties and part of me still thinks I'm invincible. It's very hard to get past the idea that it's only something that happens to unknown statistics.

I'm sending you a hug, just because life can be a bit shit sometimes.

Maryz Mon 06-May-13 10:30:51

Oh, no. He was perfectly serious [baffled]

TheOneWithTheHair Mon 06-May-13 10:29:45

I bet there was no irony from him Maryz.

You'll have to remind him what he said when he's grown up. grin

Maryz Mon 06-May-13 10:28:12

Did I ever mention the time ds1 fell off a motorbike and broke his wrist?

He was prescribed difene for the pain, and told to then take nurofen plus or solpadeine.

He refused to take any of them because "you do realise that solpadeine as codeine in it, mum, and codeine is addictive shock".

This from a child who was smoking dope, taking internet vallium, and anything he could get his hands on on a Saturday night


Ghostsgowoooh Mon 06-May-13 10:27:52

I think our dc think they are invincible at their age, I know I did. Its only since I'm in my mid 30's and I've seen my dad die from lung cancer and my friend died 3 weeks ago from the same disease that I realise just how vulnerable we all are

Maryz Mon 06-May-13 10:25:39

Sorry x-posted.

He may be getting old enough to understand the need for the ADHD medication. The doctor ds2 is under was fantastic at explaining why he needs it (a lot to do with accelerators and brakes). ds really bought into the idea.

This might be the time to talk to your son about the fact that nicotine is like a medicine, and the going to the gp and discussing more appropriate medication for his anxiety would be a mature step to take. Also (from a financial point of view) he can get anti-anxiolytics on the NHS, freeing up his smoking money for (insert craze of the moment) grin

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 06-May-13 10:24:29

I started smoking around 12/13 gave up last year and end of may will be a year.

Could you buy him the Allan Carr easy way to stop smoking for teens? It's really quite interesting as he explains when you first start smoking it's actually more harder to stop then someone in their 50s who has been smoking for years.

noddyholder Mon 06-May-13 10:23:17

I was always very dismissive and said yuck to it if I ever found smoking stuff in his clothes. My son is very vain though which I think deters him as I drum in the ageing and teeth rotting aspect!

Ghostsgowoooh Mon 06-May-13 10:23:07

Noddy that made me chuckle smile

Maryz Mon 06-May-13 10:22:31

And they all know it's bad for them.

Unfortunately they pick and choose which health advice they want to listen to. And many of them pick on the "it's never to late to give up" advice given to older people.

One of ds's friends years ago said to me "it's ok if you smoke at our age, as long as you give up by the time you are 40 your lungs will go back to being healthy - that's what it said in the ad"


Meringue33 Mon 06-May-13 10:22:31

Is it worth getting him a book like the Allen Carr method of giving up smoking (if he says he wants to)?

It worked for me at 25. I think part of the allure for young people is that they think smoking makes them a maverick. I found it much easier to stop when I realised smoking was exactly what "the establishment" wanted me to do and was enriching people like Margaret Thatcher who had shares in BAT.

Appreciate this line of argument may be totally inapt for your son but thought I'd share just in case.

Ghostsgowoooh Mon 06-May-13 10:21:13

Maryz my ds was also very anti smoking until he started. He hated it with a passion-until he tried it and saw his mates smoking

He's already on meds for adhd which has been a battle to get him to take those if I'm honest. Its certainly worth a try though even if I have to bribe him with something.

Thank you all again, though, for understanding. You have all given me hope and ways I can move forward with this

noddyholder Mon 06-May-13 10:21:09

Ghosts I agree! I have laughed over the years at the kids of veggies eating burgers at my house and the sons of school councillors selling hash in the park! One mum 'caught' me coming out of McD's one day armed with a load of ice creams and said Oh no my Louis doesn't touch McD I have politicised him on that ( He was in our car awaiting one!)

Maryz Mon 06-May-13 10:20:26

All of ds2's friends (now 15) are very sporty. And his immediate friends don't smoke. Many of the non-sports-playing boys do, though, as do many of the girls.

Almost all of the girls in dd's year (now 16) do, mostly to "keep their weight down".

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