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smoking and 13 year old ds

(61 Posts)
Ghostsgowoooh Sun 05-May-13 19:33:50

I caught him smoking, in his room angry. I went nuts (as you would) he started crying and when we we both calmed down we had a talk about why he was doing it.

It turns out he has been smoking for a while and a lot of his mates smoke, Ive put consequences in, grounding, given him a lecture about how dangerous it is

He was very honest with me and said he feels anxious and stressed a lot (he has asd and adhd) and his relationship with his dad has hit an all time low and he is very upset about that. He has problems at school which are not helped by the schools attitude and lack of support and ds says smoking helps calm him down sad

I can't be angry with him, I just can't. I'm disapointed and upset that he has started to smoke but he has been through so much. He has struggled to accept his diagnosis of asd and its either his way or the highway.

All I can do is put in boundaries around the smoking, he never ever does it in front of me or the other dc, I will not be providing him with money to smoke and just hope he sees the light.

So come on I'm a fool aren't I? But Ive been through so much with ds, violence, aggression, truanting, asd diagnosis and so on that I just can't get worked up about the smoking (although it worries me yes) and he's only 13.

flow4 Mon 06-May-13 10:38:07

I'm in my late 40s, and having to come to terms with the fact that I'm not immortal... sad As someone said: "Just as you start getting your head together, your body starts falling apart"!

Ghostsgowoooh Mon 06-May-13 10:38:35

Inneedofbrandy well done for giving up, my mum has struggled for years to give up and not succeeded so I know its hard. I will have a look at the allan carr book

Maryz their logic is amazing isn't it. I shake my head at some of the things ds comes out with

Ghostsgowoooh Mon 06-May-13 10:42:04

Thanks Theonewiththehair smile

flow4 dying scares me to death, my body is starting to decline and i'm mid 30's for ffs, I have arthrits starting in my ankles and walking is painful, people have died all round me lately. [cheery soul]

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Mon 06-May-13 10:59:11

Can you bribe him big time? I would absolutely hate for my kids to smoke and would do anything to stop them if they did.
You would have to get him to take it seriously, bribe him with something amazing, get him to fill out a declaration agreeing to be tested for nicotine and see what happens. Carry out a test every month or so. Make sure the bribe is retractable (something like a games system).

It may sound extreme but you could be saving him THOUSANDS of pounds, help reduce his chances of using drugs and, of course, protect his health.

flow4 Mon 06-May-13 11:03:24

Funny you should say that Ghost. I have arthritis too, and walking also hurts me. It has become a dangerous vicious circle, because I've put on a lot of weight cos I avoid walking, and then of course the extra weight puts extra strain on my joints. sad I'm trying a cross-trainer now, which is impact free...

Anyway, that's a bit of a diversion from your OP - except that I think it's especially hard to watch your kids damaging their future health just as you are dealing with the fact that your own is failing. sad

specialsubject Mon 06-May-13 11:44:13

dying of lung cancer won't make any sense to him. At the moment the risk is that he sets the house on fire, so whatever else, you need to ban him from lighting up indoors.

also train him that dog ends and fag ash are litter and need to be crushed out and put in bins.

can he understand what others have said - that nicotine does not calm you down, it simply quells the withdrawal?

hope you can get help with the bigger problems.

wol1968 Tue 07-May-13 16:05:57

Just pointing out that it is actually illegal for under 18's to buy any tobacco products, so you'd be well within your rights to ban them from your house altogether. You might want to discuss the law, and why it's there, with your DS. Round here the police confiscate any booze or fags from under-age teenagers.

Sorry, probably no help at all...

asdfghjkl123 Tue 06-Aug-13 15:10:25

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

foxy6 Tue 06-Aug-13 16:00:02

my ds is 14 and started smoking over a year ago we ha've had lots off discussions about smoking and lots of I've stopped for us to find out he hasn't and last week we found out he has been smoking weed sad . he is currently grounded but unless we lock all doors and Windows he just either sneaks out or storms out sad . I have made a Dr appointment for him to try and get help to sort out his problems. so I would he very cautious with you son and where things might lead.

JulieMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 06-Aug-13 18:01:03


We just wanted to make you aware that this is an old thread so you may not get as many responses as you may hope. You're very welcome to start a new thread.


louisejackson Mon 12-Aug-13 11:55:44

My DS aged 15 started smoking last year, he was upfront with me from the start, I explained that I wasn't impressed and we talked about it a great deal. In the end, I did some research (having never smoked more than 10 cigarettes in my life, all at school as a kid) and found that smoking actually does nothing for you, it lowers your endorphin levels when you don't smoke, so that when you do, you feel better, hence the addiction. My son and I talked about this too, he is very mature and understood, he took the decision to quit. I think that this is the ideal parent - son relationship, I have tried treating him like a child in the past ('grounding him' etc.), it doesn't work, he is his own person. Maybe give this a try:

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