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Advice from the fairly strict please

(77 Posts)
membershipcard Thu 02-May-13 19:34:28

We keep our booze in a locked cupboard in the dining room . There is tinned food in there too. Tonight we fancied a tin of rice pudding so DS,14, went to look. He was a while so I went to see what he was doing -- he had drank from the Southern Comfort bottle!!!

We don't make alcohol the forbidden fruit, if he'd asked for a taste he would have been allowed. He is allowed the odd drink on special occasions etc.

He asked a couple of days ago if he could sleep over at a friend's house-a female friend who I haven't met and know nothing about. I haven't agreed/not agreed to this yet but he is really hoping I will let him go.

The big question is do I let him go or do I say NO because he deviously drank the SC???

Please help me!

mrscog Thu 02-May-13 20:51:00

I do lock my booze cupboard but its so my 14 month old can't access it! I wouldn't make a big deal of the swigging, just make it clear it's not acceptable, and tell him to ask if he fancies a taste.

Hullygully Thu 02-May-13 20:55:00

If you go in for the whole power thing of "I'm the parent you're the child" and lay down the law and lock booze cupboards etc, you must expect "rebellion." They will have to be "sneaky" because theyhave no other option. That is the dynamic you have created. If you go in for talking and negotiation, you are more likely to give and get respect for rules that have been mutually agreed.

Mintyy Thu 02-May-13 20:55:15

I think you need to separate the two things in your head.

A sneaky swig of Southern Comfort is pretty normal behaviour for a 14 year old, I would have thought?

Not sure about mixed sex sleepovers though!

membershipcard Thu 02-May-13 21:00:08

Oh, what a minefield ,

I thought we were doing it right... Allowing limited alcohol, tastes of ours etc etc but locking it up when we aren't at home.
But perhaps not. hmm

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Thu 02-May-13 21:04:17

Why are you locking the tinned food up? hmm

Maryz Thu 02-May-13 21:05:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz Thu 02-May-13 21:07:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

freddiemisagreatshag Thu 02-May-13 21:12:38

I remember ds1 getting drunk for the first time. I was all shocked. Now I totally meh.

TheSecondComing Thu 02-May-13 21:17:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

membershipcard Thu 02-May-13 21:18:18

The food in the locked cupboard is only stuff that won't fit in kitchen cupboards and is usually only reserve BOGOF offer duplicates.

Maryz - glad you came along and don't think m crazy for locking it up, but it was just a swig. smile

Wossname Thu 02-May-13 21:19:24

I am quite confused about you locking the rice pud away.

Wossname Thu 02-May-13 21:20:25

X post. Rice pud rebellion averted.

usualsuspect Thu 02-May-13 21:20:52

My DS and his mates drank a bottle of champagne that was in my fridge once.hmm

bigTillyMint Thu 02-May-13 21:25:06

It hadn't crossed my mind to lock the booze away (but what about the cold beers/wine in the fridge?) - I would expect to be able to trust them (12 and nearly 14)

Re mixed-sex sleepover, as it is not a gf/bf thing, I would want to just check with the mum/dad hosting about arrangements, etc. No experience of this as mine have only done single-sex sleepovers for the last couple of years, and I wouldn't be letting DD have her bf sleepover, but maybe a party's different?

As an aside, I would be wanting to have had "the" chat(s) already!

JeanPaget Thu 02-May-13 21:26:45

I agree that locking up the booze isn't the best option. I think having a swig of your parent's gin and topping it up with water is part of being a teenager. I think it makes alcohol more tempting, and gives them the impression that you don't trust them which I find always makes communication and honesty more difficulty.

The mixed sleepover thing I think is entirely dependent on your son - his maturity/friends. DS2 I let go to a mixed sleepover at that age, but I think I'd have been a bit hmm at letting DS1 do the same when he was 14ish.

bigTillyMint Thu 02-May-13 21:28:02

BTW, where do you keep the key for said locked cupboard? Round your neck, or he will find it anyway?!

BastardDog Thu 02-May-13 21:28:19

I'm thinking of my ds whose only 13 and thinking that at 14 he'd not be sensible or mature enough to manage a mixed sex sleep over. So I'd be saying no to that.

The booze, I'd be cross, but not horrified, it seems like a fairly normal thing for a teen of that age to do. There would be a consequence issued though as a result, for the breach of trust.

That sounds hypocritical doesn't it? A bit do as I say as opposed to dont get caught doing what I and millions of other teenagers did. But that's parenting for you, not easy and no rule book.

membershipcard Thu 02-May-13 21:35:58

We have always encouraged honesty and discussed trust. Sadly ds has let us and himself down.
Oh I don't know how to parent teenagers

DeafLeopard Thu 02-May-13 21:37:45

If 14yo DS was left in the house on his own I think I would be locking up the booze.

I remember regularly sneaking my parents booze, as did all my friends.

The swig wouldn't bother me too much - DS is allowed a taste of anything that he wants - current favourite is Baileys hmm

Re the sleepover - quick chat with the host to see what the sleeping arrangements are.

bigTillyMint Thu 02-May-13 21:40:08

membershipcard, me neither!

I can't imagine DD swigging the booze, but I fear that it may be a different case with DS by the time he is 14!

membershipcard Thu 02-May-13 21:43:49

That is what's got to me...
If he'd asked for a taste of the SC I would have given him some. So why, oh why did he take a swig when he's trying to prove he's sensible enough for a mixed leepover?

I Will ring mother of unknown school-female-friend.

livinginwonderland Fri 03-May-13 08:27:49

i think locking up booze is silly. my parents left it all on the shelf in the kitchen within easy reach of anyone over the age of about 10. yes, as a teenager i nicked some and topped it up with water or tried some when nobody was home, but nothing major.

i just think it creates temptation if it's locked up. i know i get more curious if someone says "you can't look in there!" - the same applies to teenagers!

BIWI Fri 03-May-13 09:03:41

Because at 14 they aren't really mature yet - they are still swinging wildly between being children and trying to pretend they're 21! They are very much motivated by 'the moment' and are also hugely selfish creatures. There will have been little thought process beyond "I wonder what that tastes like?" and "I'm going to swig a big of that". Rather like when they are toddlers and pick anything up or put everything into their mouths. They are experimenting.

Locking it away just makes it even more desirable.

BIWI Fri 03-May-13 09:04:09

swig a bit, obviously! (although it might have been big - who knows?! grin)

BIWI Fri 03-May-13 09:05:59

Is the sleepover just the two of them? And are they an item or just friends? IME, boy/girl platonic friendships are very commonplace, so I wouldn't be assuming that anything is going on.

And at that age, presumably the parents will still be around? I'd definitely chat with the parents about it. If anything, just to confirm that they are going to be at her place, and that they're not all telling their parents that they are somewhere else!

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