My 15 DS using emotional blackmail? or really suicidal?(11 Posts)
My DS is 15 and has a twin sister. He used to be quite easy going. I am at my wits' end now. It isnt just that he is simmering with anger that's the problem, it's how he deals with it. As soon as anyone says anything that might put an imposition on him he immediately says no, leave me alone, and then if challenged further, threatens never to speak to you again, or to kill himself. Some example: please empty the dishwasher (me), have you done your homework (DH), stop playing like a dick (friends). He now says all his friends are shits, but i can see he has probably been like this to them. My mum drives him and DD home from school bus stop ( we are v rural, dangerous walk home) and he is talking nonsense about eg travellers and my mum puts the alternative view across, he insisted she stop the car, he got out walked home and has not seen her or spoken to her since, indeed leaves the house when she comes round.
My DH is soft, appeasing and 'hates conflict' and does lots for DS and DD. never says boo to a goose. I'm stroppy and aggressive according to him!
DS won't talk about 'it' when he has a row with someone, he just cuts them off.
I have two questions for you dear reader; how do I 'get him' to think about others, do anything for anyone else, think about the effect he is having on himself, see the pattern of behaviour he is getting into, of dumping all his blame and anger on anyone who dares to disturb his personal world, when he won't talk or listen to anyone?
And what is the best thing to say or do when he is saying eg 'let me out of the car this minute or I will kill myself when I get home. He is always genuinely distressed in these moments, near to tears, in emotional pain. But any kind of conversation about it is impossible.
He also has at other times been open about how low he feels and how life is pointless and he wishes he was dead, has pthought through how to kill himself with least pain. He says he hates himself and everyone else. I know he texts some girl in the USA who he says he loves, who also says she is suicidal.
At school he is vv bright and he is still working at school, no problems there, he is not taking any drugs or smoking or drinking, he is in many ways a very puritanical person. It's becoming a huge problem in the home, as I now feel v angry with DH for being so useless (!) and his twin now sees her brother getting away with eg not doing any chores and generally getting his own way because we are all so scared of tipping him over the edge into suicide ( which his dad thinks is v possible, whereas I'm not sure it isn't just a self indulgent melodrama unconsciously maybe, but that means he has his life as he wants it.
Sorry for the length and v grateful for any advice or views
I'm not an expert and have no experience of this, but tbh I think he needs to be in therapy? Perhaps a trip to the Gp with him?
As for your Dh
I think you two need to get on the same page if you are gonna deal with this? Perhaps the Gp visit should be the 3 of you, so he knows how the professionals recommend you approach this?
You definitely need to seek outside help on this one, quite urgently.
I don't wish to make you feel worse about yourself, but honestly I think you need to get an appointment with your Gp asap, who will hopefully point you in the right direction.
Your DS sounds like he might be depressed, and at the very least this needs to be brought to the attention of a professional.
Sorry your DH is not being helpful. You'll have to be the strong one here I'm afraid.
Best of luck to you and DS.
ds used to react like this to things. He was diagnosed with Asperger's, and the diagnosis explained a lot of his attitude, his inability to "forgive and forget", the fact that once he had formed an opinion he was very inflexible, etc.
It is possible your son is depressed, has some other issues, or is just very unhappy. It is unlikely he is simply being manipulative.
Have you discussed this with your dd? I found that once I talked to my younger two about ds they were much more understanding of the different rules, and in fact they (being very observant) were able to explain a lot of his attitudes and actions when I found it difficult to understand why he did some very strange things.
Thank you for your kind words i am touched and very grateful. I was convinced the response I'd get would be largely on the lines of " he needs a kick up the rear" so I am very struck by the ideas you have put over, and appreciate the personal sharing ( and hugs and flowers). I see a GPs appointment in my near future...and will research aspergers. Thank you
MrsJack, I would certainly not diagnose him over the internet.
But I found with ds that he couldn't forget things that people had done (like the incident with your ds and your mum). His views were very fixed. Which was great when they were right (by my standards) but difficult to deal with when he seized on something that I felt was misguided.
Can you discuss this with him? Is he prepared to tell you what makes him happy/unhappy?
ds lost a lot of friends by refusing to compromise. I thought he was being difficult - I have since learned that he can't compromise when he thinks something is wrong.
What does your dd think? Have you said to her "I'm worried about ds, he seems to be very unhappy and is losing all his friends, what do you think". Getting her onside might really help both you and him. dd and her friends are very understanding of ds1 and have really helped me see what he has coped with. And by talking to dd (and later ds2) I have managed to move them from resentful to understanding and concerned, which has helped our family as a whole, if that makes sense.
I wonder whether Dad needs to step in. Does he ever get involved and if not, why not? Also is DS behaviour controlling - it sounds very much like it.
No parental advice as such, but I react very much like your DS - everything is overly personal, every comment affects me deeply, I can be close to tears seconds after having been laughing. It's a daily struggle just to make it through the whirlwind of emotions.
I reacted the way your son did, saying similar things. I know a lot of these behaviors get dismissed as 'teenage melodrama', but please seek help for him. Anyone who says repeatedly they are suicidal, and reacts as drastically as your DS does, needs professional support.
Maryz, my dd says he behaves horribly to his friends, puts them down is rude and never makes an effort with them. Which does sound like aspergers now I've read up on it thank you google.
Wondering, yes his dad does step in, he talks to him, the go gliding together and seem to have a good relationship. In my blackest mood I think DS only likes his dad because he is so easy going, does everything for DS, never ever asks him to do anything. I am the stinker who asks him to eg feed the dog or bring his washing down. Neither of which he does.
I agree, Internet is not the place to diagnose him. Will seek professional help. Thanks again
So it looks as though dh has delegated you the Bad Cop role. If you want me to be honest I would say he is spoilt and a psychologist might suggest that ypu are taking both parental roles and what you are going through now is the inevitable battle of father and son that normally takes place at his age.
Family therapy involving father would help.
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