Well shit. I handled that one badly.(456 Posts)
Oh Christ what have I done. First post here, but have really blown it and could use some advice.
Just minutes ago I had a major fracas with DS(15). It was that bloody xbox that did it. Things have steadily been going down hill for months - cheek, not helping with chores, have to nag to get everything done, fighting 24/7 with family... We always follow through, try to have natural consequences, yanno from parenting 101.
But tonight (we live in NZ), DS is in the attic where we have a sort of teen hideout, playing on xbox live. We've been entertaining the neighbours and DS has been a disgrace all night. Grunting when spoken to, sulked because we asked him to eat at the table and not up in the den, swore at DS and I. I was mortified. And so so furious. Even writing those words now is making me sweat with rage.
So after they head home I go to have a word. Consequence will be no xbox for 5 days. I'm talking to DS, he jams him headset back on, gives me this horrible sneer, and them says "you don't control me bitch". Then he turns back to the screen and says to his mate "sorry, I was just putting my mother in her place".
The red mist just descended.
I went straight over to that fucking machine and threw it out the window. It's now lying smashed to pieces on the path.
Oh shit shit shit. Still not a good way to handle things. I'm now swinging between frothing wildly at the mouth and wanting to you upstairs and blast him, and wanting to slap myself for blowing my cool so spectacularly.
DS is in shock and hasn't emerge since I stormed from the room.
Do I go up and talk?
Oh God. Can't I just go back and make a better, calmer decision?
There are those rare times where hurling things out of the window is perfectly acceptable...this was one of them.
I had my own phone in my room when I was 13-14, which was a Very Big Deal in those days...it was shiny red and shaped like a pair of lips, so even more so. My mom ripped it out of the wall when I was being a vile little shit and it was months before I saw it again. I completely deserved it.
I agree that it would be a mistake to replace the x-box. That would suggest the OP was at fault, whereas she reacted to a very serious provocation, which if left unchecked could have horrendous consequences. Imagine a grown man who thinks he has the right to talk to and about his wife in that way? How can a teen know this is unacceptable unless shocked to his senses. Hooked to screens and video games, teens aren't subtle creatures. They need very pointed messages, and parental voices droning in the background barely register. What the OP did was connect to him on a level he could relate to.
The x-box caused the problem. It's gone. It doesn't come back. He needs to relearn how to communicate, how to socialise, how to respect his parents and their friends, others generally, and if he still wants an x-box instead of face to face social interaction, he can save up for one.
don't replace the x-box. let him get a job outside the home and earn money for his toys from now on. don't lose ground after you've done so well.
i haven't read carefully - have you had a chat with him, since the incident, about the standards you expect from him as a young adult and beyond? strike while the iron's hot.
You may not have done the 'correct' thing, but I think you did the RIGHT thing and I say that as the mother of 3 adult children!
My eldest ds, now late 20's, was agressive as a teen when he had been playing computer games and the more he played them the worse it was.
Respect to you OP from another in NZ
I just read the first post. You did the right thing.
Maybe not textbook, but entirely appropriate. I think you've handled it very well - especially the follow-through
and not I don't mean the throwing action
Ds is 12 and showing flashes of this sort of behaviour - yet most of the time he is a lovely charming child
especially to other people I can see when he is in the throws of the teenage years him provoking this sort of reaction. I hope your example means that we manage to avoid it - but not to beat myself up if it happens!
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