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12yr old dd wants to see her dad who has alzheimers more

(15 Posts)
Dooohhh Tue 09-Apr-13 20:18:06

Wasnt sure where to post this, but anyway.
My 12yr old dd has been through a lot in the past year or two - January 2012 her dad, my x, had a very serious stroke, then she broke her hip, and now it gets worse:
My x's mother and her mother both developed Alzheimer's and died within two years. We are worried that he too is developing the disease as he has been forgetting pretty serious stuff like dd's name and her breaking her hip.
Dcs have just returned from dad's, they normally all hate it, but today dd said she wants to go to see him on a regular basis like she used to before we moved to London (he lives in Liverpool) I.e. every fought night or so.
Dd also wants to see him alone as the other two 'don't understand'. Although she is very responsible, I am not sure I want her going on such a regular basis at all, and she says she won't go if the other two go. I already have enough to deal with with her twin battling anorexia, but she feels so strongly about it.
What should I do???

SlambangSweepstakeQueen Tue 09-Apr-13 22:22:00

Sorry about everything your dd and her df are going through.
Why would you not want her to see her df regularly? Are you worried he wont be able to care for her properly due to his condition? Is it the travelling? The cost?

It seems to me that all things being equal, your dd has the right to see her dad as often as she and he would like and can reasonably manage. And if his life is going to be limited in time, then couldn't it be quite detrimental to your relationship with her if you prevent her spending time with him?

mindfulmum Tue 09-Apr-13 22:47:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dooohhh Wed 10-Apr-13 12:05:25

Partly the traveling, she has to change a few times at not very safe stations.
Partly the fact that he won't be able to care for her - he often forgets to eat. I think she can deffinatley cook for both of them, but I think she might just not be ready for coping with him on her own. Also partly due to what her twin is going through - she is already quite overwhelmed by that and also if something goes wrong I will have even more stress, and I'm not sure I could cope with the three of them having big problems at the same time.

Dooohhh Wed 10-Apr-13 12:14:06

Mindfulmum, I have looked at my inbox and it's empty??!?

MrscremeEgg Wed 10-Apr-13 12:19:39

I don't know a lot about strokes but could the memory stuff be a part of that rather than Alzheimer's?

I think once a fortnight is too much when you live so far away.

Could they all convene at a trusted relative's house in the holidays for a few days? Somewhere you know they'll be taken care of.

Or could XDP stay with you in the holidays?

I have to say, if you don't think she'll be looked after due to health issues, 12 is far, far too young to go stay by herself.

Is she feeling guilty about her dad's health? Does she feel like she's not getting enough attention because so much is focused on her twin right now?

Dooohhh Wed 10-Apr-13 12:29:32

Sadly, she doesn't have any other relatives apart from my brother. Also, sadly we don't have any spare rooms as we live in a very cramped flat and 2 dd's share a room.
Her dad always says how helpful she is, doing the laundry, dishwasher and cooking for them all, so like I said, I have no problem with the cooking. To be honest I am just worried that if something goes wrong I can't just be there straight away to fix everything.
She has never really attention seeked, and she said to me that it would give me time to sort out other twin as ds is also out so much.

SlambangSweepstakeQueen Wed 10-Apr-13 12:30:12

How often does she see him now? Nearby trusted relative is a good idea - is there someone?

I agree London to Liverpool is too far to travel alone for a 12 year old. Could her dad come and meet you half way? Does he agree they should see each other more often?

It must be massively stressful for all of you, dealing with her sister's health. Do you think she may be looking for a break away from the stresses of home life?

SlambangSweepstakeQueen Wed 10-Apr-13 12:30:42

Sorry x posts

Dooohhh Wed 10-Apr-13 12:39:38

He would love to see her more. He has got his driving licence back, but I dont really trust him enough especially as he has been done twice for drink driving (and despite his stroke he is still drinking?!?). He sees her very rarely, and not on any kind of routine.
He couldn't meet her half way on the train either as he can barely walk any distance with his stick but refuses to use his chair as he doesn't want people to think he is a cripple (his words).
My brother lives in London as well but works 6-8 and often at weekends (banker) so that isn't really an option.
I think you are right that it might be an attemp to break away from the stress and maybe she finds the slow pace of everything she does at her dads, even thought she is still caring for him, relaxing.
She also said that as he forgot her name, she feels the more she sees him the happier he will be and the less he will forget.
But she won't give up!!

titchy Wed 10-Apr-13 12:42:58

Has his condition worsened? It struck me that she wants to look after him as she feels he can't look after himself any more, and maybe she feels he can't really cope with the other two? If so she really mustn't take thi on herself.

Dooohhh Wed 10-Apr-13 12:48:16

I think he cage thinks he can cope, but doesnt want him to have to.
She just says the other two don't understand that he needs help, and she likes quietness, and being independent but the other two just mess it up (she is a complete perfectionist!!).

Dooohhh Wed 10-Apr-13 12:59:46


MrscremeEgg Wed 10-Apr-13 14:03:42

I think if it's unsafe, you're just going to have to put your foot down and come up with an alternative arrangement.

Sorry if this is a naff suggestion, but how about a relaxing hobby if she needs some downtime to herself. Yoga is good. I always found sailing quite relaxing.

mindfulmum Sat 13-Apr-13 15:16:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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