You're not going out looking like that!

[notahotel]

Please help. My beautiful, intelligent, articulate, talented DD has just gone into town dressed like ... well.... let me paint you a picture. Her hair (naturally brown) is dyed and redyed (badly) blue-black and there are bits of purple dye all around her neck and forehead which she 'can't get off'. She is wearing a man's tee shirt (she's nearly 14, btw), a man's hoodie and a camouflage jacket, very small, short, tight denim shorts, patterned black tights, green kaki knee length socks and Converse. I hate the word 'skanky' but it really is the best way to describe this look. This has been gradually creeping up, bit by bit, over the last few months and I think it's only today I've realised quite how awful she looks. DH agrees with me that she looks dreadful. My dilemma is this: she is basically a good girl, doing well at school, usually considerate at home, etc. I don't want to sweat the small stuff and I have tried gentle, tactful comments about improving her appearance but to no avail. I should add that she is the most stubborn, determined, opinionated child I have ever met! I don't want to create a huge row but I'm really concerned about the messages she's giving out about herself and her family. She also has a boyfriend who seems very nice - how can he find her attractive dressed like this? What messages is she giving to him? Should I turn a blind eye or put my foot down?

[Freddiemisagreatshag]

Turn a blind eye.

And take lots of photos so you can remind her when she grows out of it. And she will

[Celticlassie]

That's the way they're all dressing now - especially the nice girls! It could be worse, she could be in a skin tight mini skirt, crop top and heels. At least she's somewhat covered up and adhering to the legs v boobs rule?
You could maybe offer to take her to the hairdresser to get her hair professionally dyed on order to avoid the purple next thing? If it's too pricey, I'd imagine you could get a really good dye job at some of the academies.
Don't worry about her giving out a negative message about her family - I'm a teacher and would never make assumptions about families based on the horrors some of the girls wear!

[TheFallenNinja]

Pick your battles, this isn't one of them.

[GinAndSlimlinePlease]

ignore! Take photos so you can embarrass her for years to come. And don't forget to still find something nice to say still!

I loved dying my hair when I was a teenager

[AphraBehn]

Take some comfort that she is dressed up warm!

[AphraBehn]

Take some comfort that she is dressed up warm!

[LynetteScavo]

Well, it could be high heels, a mini skirt, lots of fake tan and no coat.

At least she'll be warm and not break her ankles.

[notahotel]

Thank you so much, all of you! I was having a bit of a wobbly, teary moment then. Now I'm giggling and looking for the camera!

[specialsubject]

may her only fault continue to be her love of fancy dress. 'skanky' is the thin leggings with the visible knickers (or worse...) beneath. She's got shorts on at least and is dressed for the temperature.

Photograph, laugh and let her get on with it.

[BackforGood]

Agree with everyone else - in the scheme of things, this is not something to get worked up about, but definitely take photos to get out and share in years to come

[IHeartKingThistle]

That wouldn't worry me. Bad extensions, orange fake tan, massive false eyelashes and skimpy clothes would. From a feminist perspective, obviously!

[orangeandlemons]

Sounds kinda interesting to me...better than some would be xfactor look. I nearly did an MA in street style, I like it when kids look individual.....

[PhyllisDoris]

She'll only be 14 once. And the fashion will change soon. Pick your battles!
Maybe you could ask her to meet you halfway when it really matters - family meal out in naice restaurant for example.

[notahotel]

You're all wonderful - such wise advice! And yes, PhyllisDoris, I do vet the outfit for family occasions. Camera is ready and I'm feeling much better - thank you!

[bevelino]

I agree with the fallenNinja. I have 4 teen dd's and there is no point getting wound up about their appearance. It's a fad and will pass.

[MiconiumHappens]

Pah copy her look - she will stop immediately

[RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie]

Deffo turn a blind eye.

My 15 year old is currently wearing MY black skinnies (at least 2 sizes too big for her), her dad's Beatles t-shirt and an old man cardigan.

[out2lunch]

i pretty much looked like this when i was her age
i grew out of it
my parents still have the photos

[MrsOakenshield]

I think she sounds quite funky, to be honest! And you sound rather shallow - what a horrible thing to say, how can her boyfriend find her attractive? Sounds he likes her for who she is - perhaps you and your DH could do the same? I was a Goth back in the 80s and all the mums used to bang on about me always wearing black and being scruffy - but not my own mum, who would never dream of commenting on my appearance (or dragging up later on) in such a fashion, and 20 years on I still thank her for that.

[HotCrossPun]

I quite like the sound of her style.

You should be proud of the fact that she is confident and self-assured enough to wear what she is comfortable in - not what she sees other girls in, or what she thinks men will find attractive.

Not really sure about your ''how can her boyfriend find her attractive?'' comment.

Would you prefer if she preened herself to within an inch of her like and then worried about his approval?

She sounds cool. Leave it be.

[HotCrossPun]

*life

[sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea]

I looked fairly like your daughter when I was a teen and my mum just let me get on with it, even though she must have wondered what the hell I thought I looked like If I was wearing a short skirt I'd put a pair of my dads lycra boxers on over my tights along with my 14 hole green DMs and bleach splattered jumper that was at least six sizes too big. Hair was always dyed too.

I really want to dye my hair now. I might just go and have a look at the Stargazer website

[flow4]

That's how all the cleverest girls dress round here!

[peacefuleasyfeeling]

Let her, but keep an eye on her nevertheless. I rocked the 90s equivalent look at her age and apart from one incident when my DM clawed into a deliberately ripped and layered two-tights arrangement I'd created with her nails and threw herself on the hall floor yelling those very words, she must have decided to pick her battles and let me express my creativity through the outlandish outfits I created (I was fab with a sewing machine and a dye bath, but always favoured a slightly risque twist). She did speak to me quite casually about how we communicate who we are through our appearance, and how we cannot know for sure how others may interpret this and to be wise to the consequences which may follow. I was so grateful that she allowed me to do my thing especially as we lived in a small village in rural Sweden where nobody for miles around looked like me.