17 year old DD won't get up in the mornings(13 Posts)
My 17 DD is now in year 12. She's doing well at school and knows exactly what she wants to do after A2s. She's a focussed, bright, polite, kind, thoughtful, well mannered, studious, hard working, clever, generous girl 99.5% of the time. But in the mornings when she has to get up she is a completely different person! I have always given her a lift to school as it's on my way to work & we live off the beaten track, and getting her up in the morning has always been hard. This school year however, it?s been even harder which has had a very negative impact on her punctuality and attendance in 6th form. This morning at 8:15am I was beginning to get irritated with her because she was still in bed. To cut long story short, I drew back her curtains and received a mouthful of abuse. She got up and drew them again. I took her duvet cover, she took it back. We ended up wrestling over her phone (which I wanted to confiscate). After being on the receiving end of a torrent of abuse, I was close to tears and very shaken. I went downstairs and finished getting myself ready for work. She wanted a lift to school (she was finally up by now and I was supposed to be pleased about that!!!) but I refused because I was now late for work myself and didn't want to be any later. She took my car keys into the bathroom while she had a shower. There's no lock on our bathroom door so I knew I could go in and get them, but I decided there was no point making things worse, so I just sat at the kitchen table waiting for her. I gave her a lift to school in silence, then in the car park, I told her I was disgusted with her behaviour, ashamed of her and ashamed of myself for giving in to her and giving her a lift. I went to work and have felt sick in my stomach ever since (that was 5 hours ago now). She's since sent me texts since saying how sorry she is and that she will look for an anger management class. I've replied saying I'm not interested and that I don't want to speak to her or see her at the moment.
The problem is 2 fold:
1) On one hand, is her temper. I've seen this temper before on the odd occasion but it's getting regular in the mornings. She says its because she doesn't like me telling her to get up - but if she got up on time, I wouldn't have to keep giving her time checks - chicken/egg?? Is she pushing boundaries??
2) On the second hand, she just seems to like her bed too much. We've had so many chats about her getting up in the morning. A couple of times I've gone to work and left her and she's missed classes because she's gone back to sleep. Every night she says she'll get up earlier in the morning. Then every morning I have to nag!! She went to bed last night saying she needed to get into school for 9am because she had an essay to finish. But this morning, that essay became the most unimportant thing in the world and she would rather have suffered the consequences of not finishing it, than get up!! (Incidentally, it doesn't matter if it's school or not school. She's late for almost everything if it's a morning thing, and even at weekends, very often I'm bailing her out with a lift because she's missed a bus into town, or I'm looking for her work uniform while she's in the shower!!!). Best case I get the usual "Alll riiggghhhttt. I'm getting up aren't I" screamed at me or she tells me to "f* off" or she'll "get up in a minute FFS", but that will be when she's almost late!!
Please help because I don't know what to do any more. I can't manage these morning tantrums and DD will fail her exams if she keeps missing the first lessons. As I stated at the beginning, 99.5% of the time she's an absolute delight to be with and we actually have a great relationship. I'm sorry this is so long. I just needed to make sure you got the full picture. Thank you.
She's 17. Stop nagging, stop cajoling. Go to work when you need to go to work. She will have to get herself to college, just the same way many 17 year olds get themselves to work. Tell her what time you are leaving and then go.
The point is that she won't get herself to college. Somehow she needs to understand that she has to get up or she will fail her exams. Or do you suggest that I let her fail them?? Is that actually good parenting or not caring??
I'm afraid I think you have to drag her out kicking and screaming if that is the only way it goes till she has done her exams.
I don't yet have a dd this age though, I am not speaking from experience.
She needs to take responsibility for her own actions. Tell her what time you are leaving, call her once and leave at the time you have said. Until she suffers the consequences she has no reason to change,
Why do you allow her to be abusive to you? It's not a great relationship when your 17 year old daughter tells you to f off fights with you and takes your keys. Would you put up with that from a partner, a friend?
I was the same, my parents left me to it, i dropped out of sixth form before getting kicked out and found myself a job. I had to get up for that. Didn't like my job, it felt very easy, very boring, very unchallenging. I decided quite quickly that I'd apply to go back to sixth form college the following September. I managed to get myself up and ready every morning for two years, partly because I actually wanted to be there and partly because I knew no one else would do it for me.
At 17 you're dd is old enough to make her own decisions and mistakes, that's the only way she'll become wise too. Leave her to it.
insanity - I have told her that I'm going to work at 8:30 prompt from tomorrow with or without her! She seems to be doing well in 6th form so maybe she thinks she can coast through it missing lessons and still do ok. Perhaps she does need to fail her summer exams - maybe that will be the wake-up call (pardon the pun) she needs!
And you are right. I would not put up with this abuse from a partner or a friend and I would never have dreamt of speaking to my parents like that. I don't want to put up with it and I honestly thought we had brought her up to be more respectful. Clearly we were wrong. And that bit of her behaviour is relevant to the first part of my post - her temper which I believe is out of control at times.
She will be going to uni or to work very soon. It is far better to learn the consequences in the relative safety of her home with her parents than being there to support her in the fallout rather than being thrown out of uni or dismissed from employment.
As for this morning, well there has to be consequences, none of my four who are all older than your dd have ever behaved like that towards me because they would know that I would ensure that they were made unhappy as a result.
Just marking my spot to see if anyone can come up with anything we haven't tried
ds will happily roll over and go back to sleep when we have tried 'leaving him'. His attendance at first lesson is appalling. Thing being, if he leaves / gets thrown out of the 6th form, he would still need to get up if he got himself a job - we've tried to explain this to him but his befuddled teenage mind can't compute it, it seems.
Check DD is getting enough sleep, sleeping in a dark room with no phone or internet to disturb/distract. Check that her stored iron levels are ok by a blood test because this will make her very tired. She probably needs about 9 hours sleep at age 17. Do some searches online for yourself on sleep and its importance. Sleeping in complete darkness is apparently far more important than you would think. Print off some info for DD and ask her to think how you could make mornings better for both of you. Tell her in a calm moment that the morning tantrums have to lessen (they might not stop altogether but you have to be prepared for some because your DD is a teen). She sounds pretty nice most of the time. I agree that maybe you have to leave without her if she is refusing completely but rushing out at the last minute is pretty much par for the course so try to grit your teeth and try not to get too angry. Hard I know I have had the same at times and it is a nightmare. Much better now though and DD is on iron tablets. Remember to praise DD if she does get up and for the other good things she does (I'm sure you do anyway).
This morning DD was ready by 8:20am!!!! I was pleased and made sure she knew that.
There has been some valuable information offered to me here - thank you to everyone who has taken the time to post.
DD does have blackout curtains but I think I will check re hours sleep and check her phone bill to see if she's texting or on FB etc late at night - good points. We did have her iron levels checked last year but it won't harm for them to be done again. I think she also needs to understand that no-one else is going to get her up anymore which means that I also need to make some changes and be more consistent with her - if she's not ready I go without her and let her face the music at school.
Hopefully the new term after Easter will see a happy, bouncing, energetic DD in the mornings which will result in improved timekeeping!!
Thank you to you all.
Some people find it much easier to get up when the mornings are lighter too. I always think they flag a bit towards the end of term esp if your DD has been working hard. I would have a chat about how important sleep could be for her next year with exams and that after the Easter break would be a nice time for a fresh start re the morning routine. Good for her, good for you! Maybe make a deal for a reward if she can improve. The odd slip is fine though, we all have a bad morning day occasionally. She could also try something like yoga to unwind. DD has just started yoga and has found it helpful for relaxing and getting light exercise as she is not that sporty and has had trouble sleeping in the past.
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