Champas, what you say here is a massive 'red flag' (warning): "Problem with Hubbie, he gets his fists out too quick he may end up hurting ds."
Could you say more about what you mean, please? Specifically, I'd be grateful for answers to these questions:
- Has your husband hit your DS in the past?
- Has there been a change in their relationship that makes you worried he might hit him now?
- Has your husband hit you?
Actually
Champas, you don't have to tell
us... But you should honestly answer these questions
to yourself.
If there is any physical violence in your family, then
this is likely to be the root of your DS's outburst, not the video gaming. Children who witness violence at home are much more likely to be violent themselves.
There is an overview of the effects of domestic violence on children
here. I can provide you with more info if you like.
It is very hard for you
Champas. If you are worried about your husband being violent, then at best you can't get proper support from him, and at worst you are at risk from him. You are probably working hard to hold the whole family together and keep everyone happy - and you have a job too - so no wonder you're tired out and stressed.
Now... What I am about to say next may not apply to you
Champas, but I am going to say it anyway, in case it does - or
in case it's useful to someone else reading this thread...
Women in abusive relationships often hit a crisis point when their children reach adolescence. If you have stayed in an abusive relationship 'for the sake of the children', then you will have worked hard to try to protect them from any of the effects. You will have tried everything possible to keep all the nastiness, abuse or violence 'hidden' from them. You may (as you describe) have carried all or most of the responsibility for raising and disciplining them, and not told your husband about problems, because you were worried about his response. You may have encouraged your children to behave in certain ways to avoid their father's anger. You will have done your very best.
But children are sensitive and pick up more than we want them to. It is not possible for a child to live in a house where there is domestic abuse or violence and
not be affected by it eventually. It is often around adolescence that things begin to come out into the open. Here are just a few examples of what can happen (they are real, gathered from a wide body of research and from work I did with women and children in refuges a few years ago...)
- Children who have witnessed their fathers being violent to their mothers often start to 'copy' this, and act violently towards her themselves (for example, as soon as they grow taller than their mums)
- Children who lived with domestic abuse build up a lot of anger, and if they aren't supported to deal with this, they are then likely to start to 'act out' when they reached puberty. Some turn it inwards by self-harming or becoming depressed (often but not always girls), and some turn it outwards and get involved in anti-social behaviour or crime (often but not always boys).
- Some abusive men turn their violence/abuse towards their own children when they reach puberty, even if they have never targeted the children before. One adult man looking back on his childhood said his father had been 'lovely' to him when he was little, but started beating him when he reached adolescence, around the age of 11/12. He said his father suddenly seemed to see him as a threat, and the 'triggers' included things like when he 'answered back', whenever he tried to exert his independence, and when his mum was 'nice' to him - his father seemed jealous. Abusive men with daughters sometimes turn their abuse towards their daughters as they reach puberty - trying to control them as they have previously only tried to control their wives. Research estimates that 30-66% of children who live with domestic abuse, perhaps first only as 'witnesses', are eventually also directly abused themselves. :(
- Some children who reach puberty suddenly decide to try to 'protect' their mums, and they may actually 'step in' to try to stop their dad being violent. One 12/13yo boy I knew stepped in front of his dad because he was waving a knife at his mum. Another mother and son I met in a refuge were there because the boy had tried to protect his mum, although he was only 11 - and she suddenly realised how much danger that put him in. She hadn't been able to leave her husband when it was 'only' her at risk, but she left when she realised her son was at risk too.
As I said
Champas, this may not apply to you. But you should be very honest with yourself about whether it
might. Because if there is
other violence in your home, it is not fair or helpful to pin blame on your DS - you will only be storing up more problems for the future, for yourself and your children.
If you -
or anyone else reading this - feels they want to talk to someone about it or get more advice, they can phone the Women's Aid 24 hour domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247, or read more on their website at
www.womensaid.org.uk.