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Feel really hurt by my dds' lack of care over Mother's Day

(33 Posts)
dontagreewithit Sun 10-Mar-13 13:40:54

I know that Mother's Day is mainly just an over commercialised excuse for the shops to make money, but I can't help feeling hurt & upset by the sheer selfishness of my dds (16 & 13).

I have had a card (chosen by dh I suspect) a "Happy Mothers Day" thrown at me from from dd2 on her way to the kitchen and a HMD status posted by her on Facebook (mainly for the benefit of her friends I suspect). Dd1 told me she is walking round looking miserable because she doesn't want me & dh to talk to her "because you are too annoying".

Friends of theirs have bought presents and flowers for their mums, done breakfast in bed etc, etc, all off their own backs.

I realise it's probably my fault that they are so selfish & uncaring, but it's really made me feel sad today. It would be lovely to go out for a meal or something as a family, but the moaning they would do beforehand and the fact that dd2 is such a fussy eater would make what should be a pleasant occasion just miserable.

They are like this most of the time recently, and I usually just tell myself it's normal teenage behaviour and it will pass (which I do believe) but today it's really hit home.

Not a lot anyone can say, but I didn't want to share this in real life, as, to be honest I am ashamed of them & know it reflects badly on me that they are so selfish.

Kleinzeit Mon 11-Mar-13 17:19:59

I expect you are seeing their friends through rose-tinted glasses. My DS (aged 14) bought me a card and chocs but only because my DH took him out yesterday! I was fishing for morning tea in bed but didn’t get it.

I asked DS to make me a cup of tea and the little terror told me it would cost a tenner. So I got my revenge – I played this to him. After that we both felt a bit sick. Try it on your DDs! smile

mungotracy Mon 11-Mar-13 15:52:08

At the point they announce a 'childrens' day that I can feel bad about forgetting I feel annoyed about them not bothering on mothers day...... other than that we have birthdays in our house....they kind of do the trick and everyone gets one without renforcing gender roles smile

TooManyButtons Mon 11-Mar-13 15:52:00

Posted too soon...

My dd (15) has annoyed me about Mother's Day too, although I don't know if IABUmand ungrateful.

I got in from my 12 hour shift last night to find she'd been baking and had made muffins and things for me. Lovely. Except every surface and cupboard door in the kitchen was covered in flour/sticky fingerprints, and she'd made a half arsed attempt at washing up without putting the already clean pots away, so almost every single dish in the house was piled up, still dirty, on the draining board, and the sink was covered in a layer of filth.

So my day off, before starting another 48 week tomorrow, started off with deep cleaning my kitchen.

She's now giving me the silent treatment after I calmly pointed out that I'd have preferred to have come home to a clean kitchen and a cuppa. I'm expected to react like when she was a toddler, ignoring the mountain of glitter/glue/paper and admire the beautiful creation she'd made me...surely at 15 she's old enough to realise I might be slightly annoyed at leaving such a mess?

Snorbs Mon 11-Mar-13 15:47:11

Burst into tears and make them feel horrible.

Yuk. How horribly manipulative. That's the sort of passive-aggressive bullshit you see discussed on the Stately Homes threads.

drivinmecrazy Mon 11-Mar-13 15:43:30

I feel so much better finding this thread. I too have a very selfish entitled 12yo DD1. My morning began with being showered with gifts to open by DD2 who's 7. she had even wrapped up some of her favorite toys for me to open which she promptly demanded back. But she shamed her big sis. DD1 hadn't even said 'happy mothers day'. DH had offered to take her into town on Saturday but she couldn't be torn away from more important activities. She did acquiesce about half 11 and slopped off to her pit of a bedroom to make a card and presented me with 'tickets' which varied from 'I give you 1 lunch date with me' 'Daddy promises you one massage' and 'I promise to help with 2 chores' she even volunteered DD2 for a foot massage. needless to say I wasn't happy but got my own back when I crossed out her birthday on the calendar.
It wasn't the lack of gifts it was simply she couldn't give a stuff!!

TooManyButtons Mon 11-Mar-13 15:41:07

My dd (15) has

bequiasweet Mon 11-Mar-13 15:35:10

I'd give them a taste of their own medicine. If they can't be arsed, then you shouldn't be arsed either.

jellybeans Mon 11-Mar-13 15:25:49

Very common behavior unfortunately, teenagers can be very selfish. I have 2 teen DDs and one is more selfish than the other usually but both are more self absorbed since hitting 13. One thing to remember though is that if she is taking you totally for granted in a way it is a compliment because they only do that when they feel totally secure and safe. Those scrambling to please their mums may well just be lovely thoughtful people or they may be desperate to please their parent as their relationship is insecure. Also in time they will grow out of it. I was a horrible selfish teen and grew out of it pretty soon after moving out/getting a job etc etc. I am very unselfish as a person now so it doesn't apply long term! My 16 YO is already much better than she was although didn't make that much effort mothers day she did make some. I accepted that, for her, it was good. It is a hard age!

flow4 Sun 10-Mar-13 22:20:35

My DSes have done pretty well this year, but this is the first time in 3 years that DS1 (now almost 18) has marked mothers' day in any way. One year he excelled himself hmm by actually eating the special cakes that DS2 had made for my MD present! angry I cried last year and the year before, and felt exactly like you: that although it was stupid to care, I did; and that it must be my 'fault' he was so selfish and thoughtless. sad

Your DH could do a bit more chivvying... But I'm a single parent and there's no-one to chivvy my boys. I find myself just telling them directly that I would like some sign of appreciation, and reminding them myself. I thought that since I did care even though it was a bit daft it was the best plan just to tell them straight...

ivykaty44 Sun 10-Mar-13 22:18:56

go on strike,

when they are hungry and have no clean clothes and are not getting lifts here and there - thats the time to talk to them and bargain wink

doglover Sun 10-Mar-13 20:38:15

I've been having a bit of a weep for the last hour. No effort - other than a card - has been made by my 2 dd (12 and 14) or dh. Feel totally fedup. I wasn't looking for anything 'bought' just some special attention and care. I know exactly hoe you feel, OP. sad

specialsubject Sun 10-Mar-13 19:20:58

forget mother's day, not important. What is important is if they are selfish, entitled brats all the time as you imply.

that needs sorting - and that is what parents do. Good luck...

Timetoask Sun 10-Mar-13 18:45:08

Here at home I told DH (since the Dcs were newborn) that for mother's day I don't ever want a present but a gesture of some sort to show love and appreciation. My Dcs are still little but they gave me handmade pictures, treated me to pancakes for breakfast, and jointly with DH cooked me a lovely lunch. However! And here is my point.... All was instigated by DH and I expect that he will continue to be the instigator when they're teenagers. So I think your DH needs to get them organised next year to give you a massive treat.
When they because adults they will probably be more motivated! For now they need a little nudging.

CiderwithBuda Sun 10-Mar-13 18:20:18

My sis used to get up early and make my mum a cake on mothers day. And one year I had no money so ran my mum a bath and while she was in it I changed her bedding so she had a nice fresh bed to get into afterwards. My dad did always remind us to do something nice on mothers day even if we didn't have money to buy anything. But it did take reminding!

I think it's up to your dh to make sure they are organised tbh, and I think crying is a bit OTT. Dp gave the dds some money yesterday and sent them off to town. Otherwise I would have probably have got homemade cards and a bar of chocolate, which would have been fine too.

DD2 refused to make me a cup of tea earlier, even though I'd taken her out for tea and cake. I made my own tea - and she'll enjoy washing up later! smile

QOD Sun 10-Mar-13 17:27:42

I made my dd make me a cuppa, explained yet again its MY day to be treated and got her to peel the veg, she did it, relatively gracefully for a Kevin.
I then gave her a pressie I bought her ad told her it's nice when people aren't grumpy all the time cos it makes you think about them and treat them.
She was very over the moon and all happy.

I have been to work all day so not had the breakfast thing and she bought me two bottles of red wine and a card so she was in my good books already!!

DreamsTurnToGoldDust Sun 10-Mar-13 17:23:44

Teenages can be horrible though, hard as it is ride it out and when they`re grown up a bit they`ll be a lot nicer. At this age its all about them, if its not they are not interested.

CiderwithBuda Sun 10-Mar-13 17:20:53

Yes it's typical teen behaviour but it's up to you and DH to teach them to treat others as they want to be treated. At Xmas I knew DS wouldn't think to do anything for DH and I unless prompted so a few years ago I instigated a Xmas shopping trip where DH takes him off to get me something and I take him to get something for DH. We then meet up for lunch somewhere nice. It's now a Xmas tradition he looks forward to and he reminds me to organise.

DH wouldn't bother about Mothers Day but he was warned that I expected a bit more effort than last year. It's not about getting a present it's about making DS actually do something for someone else. I will in turn get him to do something for Fathers day.

I don't want to be unkind but if you don't pull them up on it or get DH to, then you will cause them to grow up only thinking of themselves. And I take it you didn't say anything at Xmas?

HorribleMother Sun 10-Mar-13 17:20:32

I hate the whole bloody thing. Piles of pointless expectations (on both sides). Farce at best.

Thingiebob Sun 10-Mar-13 17:15:03

Don't cry and make them feel guilty FGS!

I agree with the other poster who said to take Mother's Day off.

dontagreewithit Sun 10-Mar-13 17:13:01

And I can't bring myself to indulge in "tit for tat" behaviour (not doing anything for their birthday etc), can't see how two wrongs make a right.

dontagreewithit Sun 10-Mar-13 17:12:00

Well I've just been for a (cold) 5 mile walk and a pint with dh which was nice. Told him how I felt (he'd seen me crying earlier, thought I was upset about my own mum who died 15 years ago). He confirmed that dd1 had given him some money and asked him to get the card when he went food shopping on Friday night. So they couldn't even make it to a shop to choose the card themselves (we live within 2 minutes if at least 3 shops that sell cards).

I'm hoping he might say something to the dds. I know I should say something myself, but I don't think I could bear the indifference I might get in return.

I try so hard most of the time to rise above their teenagerish behaviour, but today just couldn't do it. It was similar at Christmas, when it didn't even cross their minds to go out & buy something for me or dh. I think I feel worse because I feel like I've caused them to be like this.

Catsdontcare Sun 10-Mar-13 17:04:43

Return the affection on their birthday.

bigbluebus Sun 10-Mar-13 17:01:41

Put your feet up and do nothing all day, or pamper yourself.
If they want anything, then they are old enough to get it for themselves. If they ask "where's dinner?" just tell them you are having Mother's Day off so it is their job to cook.
I told DS he had to iron his school uniform today as it was Mother's Day - he replied that he would "just have to go to school with it creased then"!

I did get a card and a Yankee Candle off him though!

CiderwithBuda Sun 10-Mar-13 15:47:53

I would make them feel bad too. DS wouldn't bother but I warned DH that he needed to make sure I got a card at least. And we went out for lunch. Lots of moaning but I don't care. Im trying to get DS to start thinking of others. My view is that if I don't make him start to think a but about Mothers Day and sacrifice something (time in front of playstation) then he won't ever. So tell your girls how hurt you are. I would disappear off without saying anything and come home with something nice for yourself.

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