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Xroads again - Dd1 (13yrs, will be 14 in summer)

(18 Posts)
Pilfette Wed 27-Feb-13 14:38:48

I'm (now) grateful that they all congregate at my house. DDs of 14 and 17 and we usually have at least one extra every evening and most weekends. It's played havoc with the shopping bill and at one point I put my foot down and told them that they couldn't just expect to eat here whenever they fancied it!

BUT I know where they both are, they each have a large bedroom and we have 2 reception rooms so we have (just) got enough room to survive it. My 17yo has a lot of freedom. All I ask is that if she isn't coming home she txts me before 10pm and tells me where she's staying (which she does) and no-one stays over without my consent. My 14yo has a 9pm curfew on weeknights (she gets up for school with no hassle in the mornings, if this changed curfew would be earlier) and as we live on the coast the kids mainly hang out on the beach.

A list of approved places sounds like a sensible middle ground to me. Also, if they come round to your house you can get to know them and shamelessly eavesdrop so you know what to worry about which might allay any worries?

Xroads Wed 27-Feb-13 12:30:30

I've been to toddler group today and they run a youth club on a Thu eve which has skater ramps, hot food, nail art, craft etc so I'm taking her to that next thu, I txt her to mention it and she sent a few txts back and forth saying she wasn't going because she didn't want to etc in the end i said Ok in that case, I dont want to give you lifts, have your friends round etc 2 can play at that game either you work with me to get you a social life that is acceptable or you fight against me and believe me i am not the person you want to be against. She txt back that a couple of her mates are going to come with her. Sorted.

Last night she said she might want to do cheer leading so I will look into that but it will cost a lot more than £1 a week so we'll have to see as it is she has £25 a month for her phone, bus money, dinner money, pocket money and new clothes I'm absolutely skint and trying to get us out of debt so there isn't an endless supply of cash.

ThingummyBob Wed 27-Feb-13 09:35:27

That sounds like a plan xroads. Agree places/times in advance which will always be a definite 'no' and then perhaps she'll be less likley to make unreasonable requests in future.

I am lucky in that 'our' park has an ambulance parked up 24/7 so it doesn't seem to attract undesirables! I am one for phoning her a LOT when she's out though and if she doesn't pick up she knows I'll call her freinds/drive down there...

I am lolling at showing her the Kevin sketch, I may pinch that idea grin

Xroads Tue 26-Feb-13 18:53:53

Early eve I might not have minded quite so much but she wants to go between 6 and 8pm, I'm sticking with no parks but have made a list of places she can go and asked her to add to it.

I just showed her the list then played her this clip Kevin becomes a teenager she laughed and I said it's only funny because it's true! grin

weegiemum Tue 26-Feb-13 16:53:12

My dd1 is just 13 (3 weeks ago). There's a park outside her school where lots of her friends go (I know, we sometimes take ds and dd2 on days we pick them up - normally they get the school bus).

So I let dd1 go there after school maybe 2x/week. But she has 2 buses to get home, and has to be on bus no2 by 5pm or her pass isn't valid. So she's always home in good time. Even though I know the dark isn't worse, I'm glad that she now gets home in tne light ..., <looks out of window>

Xroads Tue 26-Feb-13 16:20:41

Dd1 is due home any minute and I can already feel the frosty atmosphere because she wanted to go to her friends then town then the park to meet "everyone" and I said no to the park bit so she chucked her toys of the pram and now isn't going to any of it (no skin off my nose)

Xroads Tue 26-Feb-13 14:04:21

Parks in the dark round here are awful though, once it gets lighter I'll let her go til about 8pm cus at least there are people running, walking dogs that she can see/ run to for help if needed etc

There are lots of bushes and trees too even i won't go there on my own at night.

ThingummyBob Tue 26-Feb-13 13:56:28

Hmm, its hard isn't it.

One the one hand you want to give them freedom and want them to be independent and stop the free taxi service, but on the other hand you have concerns which, to them, seem restrictive.

I take each situation as an individual event and make my decision (single parent) each time a request is made by dd.

For example, I have (from MN grin) taken onboard the idea that 'the dark' is no less safe than daylight. I realise that certain places may be less safe after dark because the type of people/activity in that place may be less salubrious after dark etc, but on its own being dark is no longer a reason for me to say no to a request iyswim?

Xroads Tue 26-Feb-13 12:49:48

Another row this morning.......even after sitting down last night for over an hour and talking about thing's that are acceptable/ unacceptable and writing a list of rules, apparently the fact I said no to going to parks in the dark was misunderstood, she thought I said yes as long as she wasn't on her own when in fact I said no not at all (my dh says I wasn't clear enough and he was confused too) so today I am typing up a list which he will print and bring home 2 copies of one we will have up downstairs and one she will have up in her room.

The thing is I can see her point, there isn't anywhere to go that doesn't cost money for her age...........any ideas? I did suggest swimming but she isn't happy about exposing her body (fair enough) I suggested she joins a class of some kind but she has done things like that before, brownies, guides, dancing and hasn't stuck with them.

I'm going to suggest once a month they come round and have a film/ xbox eve with a pizza and we'll go upstairs to watch tv as long as they don't wake her sister up and everyone is gone by 9.30pm (maybe pushing to 10 if they all behave after the first few times).

I've emailed a local youth community worker but they are located the other side of town so to take her and drop her off and then pick her back up would use up a lot of our evening and petrol. I don't wish to sound selfish (but it will sound that way probably) I don't want to give up my life to run around after her I already do too much and my mum/ dh and friends have said I need to chill out more so I'm attempting to not take too much on, I have said to dd I am willing to take her and collect her if I happen to be going out (which I do mon (swimming), wed (art class, occasionally) and thu (slimming world) and sometimes fri (mural project for the community centre - so I could take dd with me when I go but I'm thinking if I'm there it defeats the object for her?)

GraduallyGoingInsane Mon 25-Feb-13 19:53:45

I have 4 DDs - my eldest is 16 and the youngest is 10. I spend my life driving around!

We're not in town, but we are on a bus route. If they want to meet friends in town, I generally expect them to get the bus (eldest 3 only, DD4 is a bit young still IMO) whereas if its an arranged activity - ie ballet, gymnastics, cheer, after school clubs etc then I will drive them. Although this is largely because getting to their ballet or gym or cheer would be 2 buses and a fair walk.

We do seem to have their friends round a lot, but I prefer that in a way as I can keep an eye on them - if they were out I wouldn't necessarily know where they were, or with whom.

In terms of what they do with their friends - if they're here it's a lot of giggling, changing their clothes multiple times, playing on their phones (I'm sure sometimes they text each other when they're sitting in the same room?!), listening to music, watching tv or YouTube videos, eating me out of house and home...

If they go out it tends to be shopping, cinema, or just wandering.

ThingummyBob Mon 25-Feb-13 18:47:30

DD1 is 12 (13 in August - so year 8 student). I feel like I have a second job as a personal chauffeur at times grin

I wouldn't let her go out on her own with a boy I didn't know at that time of day, but in a gang of them I don't mind at all. I know some of her friends, but not all. Its impossible to vet them at high school the way you do at primary note I am NOT katie Hopkins but you know what I mean wink

I often have a few of them around the house and I don't mind that either. I'd rather trip over a few teens than have lonley kids iyswim? Some of her friends parents have the weirdest 'rules' tbh, I think we are pretty normal in comparison so she doesn't mind bringing frinds home.

MrsPnut Mon 25-Feb-13 18:37:58

DD1 is 16, but our house has been the one to congregate at since they were in Y7. Partly because we have a playroom that they can take over. During the holidays we tend to pay for weekly bus tickets for her so she can get around but we also spend a lot of time playing taxi driver.

Our last bus is at 7pm so anything after that needs us to collect or she stays at someone else's house. Since she started Y7, there have been very few weekends that she hasn't either stayed at a friends house one night or spent the day in town with friends.
We only allow one sleepover at the weekends and during the holidays she must spend alternate nights at home. Homework has to be done before going out and she has to be home by 9pm unless she's at work.

Xroads Mon 25-Feb-13 18:31:36

Dd1 is 13 (14 in summer) she has started being friends with a few local kids, this means she is asking to go out to town or to parks as none of them have much money and there isn't a lot to do in our town for them.

Today she asked if she could go to the park with a boy (I don't know him) from 6-8pm, I've said no because it's cold, dark and unsafe and I don't know the boy.

I think it's time we sat down and had a proper chat about what we are prepared to give, what we expect and compromise because she is growing up and wants her freedom and I want her to continue to be close to us, be able to talk to us etc

Any advice gratefully received......

MrsTomHardy Mon 25-Feb-13 16:59:01

My 15 year old DS socialises via Xbox too.
13 and .11 year old DS's do go on Xbox/ps3 but also go out to see friends.

I go through stages of ferrying kids around to then not doing it, oddly.
Worse in summer when youngest goes fishing so needs driving around then but usually I drive one way and mate's mum does other.

VivaLeBeaver Mon 25-Feb-13 16:54:28

Dd is 12 and we live in a village. She's got a couple of friends in the village but they have a it of an on/off friendship which I try not to encourage too much to be honest. But at times they're round here a lot....arrive on a Friday evening and don't go till Sunday.

Sometimes dd will get the bus into town with them.

If she's meeting friends from town then I drive her into town and pick her up. She doesn't want to catch the bus on her own which is fair enough.

Struffle Mon 25-Feb-13 16:50:01

Ditto NotaDragonofSoup.

16 and 15 yos socialise mainly via Skype, Xbox and other pc games. I had to drive 15 yo into the big town on Saturday to spend the afternoon with a friend, but that is a rareity. I doubt said friend will come back to us anytime soon. I find it sad.

13 yo dd - doesn't have friends. I find that even sadder. sad

NotADragonOfSoup Mon 25-Feb-13 16:42:36

My DS1 is 14 today - he socialises with his friends via XBox Live hmm Still, it means I don't have to take him anywhere!

Xroads Mon 25-Feb-13 16:40:05

What do your teenagers do with their friends?

How much running around do you do for them?

Does your house get taken over?

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