14yr old dd how to discipline

[schooldays]

have tears in my eyes - feel totally out of my depth with my dd. shes 14 and has turned into a complete brat. i cant get her to do anything i ask. no matter what i ask or how small a task she has a default answer of 'no mam'. she argues back constantly, either that or shes in her room on the internet.
i lost about two hours sleep last nite due to her phone vibrating i had to get up to her 3 times to ask her to turn it off. its like she is a walking zombie. never apologises for anythign. i literally couldnt get her out of bed until 5pm on sat - she just refused and in fairness seemed so tired.

so anyway just now i told her she was to leave her phone out of her room by 9pm on a weeknight and no internet access after 9pm. she lost the head and started shouting i hate you (the ususal teenage stuff) when she said i am going to bang this door and i dont give a shit. she was literally roaring at me. so she started banging the door over and over then nearly took the stair down with the stomping and then banged her bedroom door.

havent seen her since and haven't a clue how to deal with this. instinct is telling me to take her phone, laptop, tv. is this enough or too much.

Help!!! this is literally driving me mental - feel i am not able to cope with her anymore

[chocoluvva]

Some phone providers will temporarily block the phone if you ask them.

If you are the administrator of her computer you can disable facebook, twitter etc.

However you need to pick your battles - phones are an extremely emotive matter for teens - they seem to live through them these days.
Do you have a partner or DD's gp who can support you?

Do you know the parents of any of her friends? I was furious at my 14YO DD's overuse of her phone and told the mum of her friend who she was constantly texting that her DC and my DD had been texting each other till all hours. What a good move it was! She has an older DC so knew the ways of teenagers more than I did. Realising what's normal was really helpful.

Give your DD incentives to exercise some self-control and try to ignore the annoying, but unimportant stuff. IME 14 and 15 are the most difficult years.

[niceguy2]

I agree. 14-15 is definitely the most annoying age.

Firstly I wouldn't overreact in punishing her. As tempted as you are, this will just pour fuel on the fire. If you remove everything, she's nothing left to lose and therefore there's no incentive for her to behave.

What I would do in your situation is try to pick a calm moment and simply tell her that the way she is behaving is immature, spoilt and unacceptable. That if she cannot prove to you that she can moderate the use of her phone herself then you will cancel her contract/stop paying for credit.

You've then given her fair warning of what will happen and then you must follow through if she continues.

As for the not doing chores bit. I remember my DD at that age moaning and griping all the time. I just ignored her. Didnt even engage and now she cleans up daily. It's just become routine and part of her life.

But if she's point blank refusing then I think a little taste of her own medicine is called for. So next time she needs a lift...snack making.....whatever task you are supposed to do because you are the mum, just say no. When asked why not, just say well if you can't be bothered to do anything, why should I?

Lastly ignore the door slamming/tantrums. If she doesn't get a reaction from you, she'll eventually stop because it's not working. Depending on her personality you can also take the mickey afterwards that she's like a toddler.

[SecondhandRose]

My DD who is usually lovely has been a nightmare this week. Fed up with her. We reminded her that she is 'not in charge' last night.

[jellybeans]

My DD went through this phase but thankfully is much better now (16). Strict discipline worked for us. Any slamming doors and toddler stair gates (DD was breaking them off hinges with the slamming!) or severe rudeness and she got her phone and internet access removed. I pay for these, why should I provide them-they are a luxury item after all- if DD has no respect for our rules. I also refused to do lifts etc and make favourite meals (still fed her properly obviously but didn't go out of my way to do stuff she asked for like i usually would) if she treated me like dirt. She has to learn; imagine if she was like this to friends or employer! If you let them continue with internet access and phones etc it is only a matter of time till they disrespect you on twitter etc. Don't go overboard with punishing for too long though.