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Approaching 18...what will you stop paying for?

(37 Posts)
SwivelHips Fri 15-Feb-13 14:26:46

DSD will be 18 in June, finishing Alevels (humph another thread that one) and works PT. She's pretty self sufficient ie buys own toiletries, going out gear etc we rig her out couple of times a year on the essentials. Also pay her bloody phone contract which is now 35 a month (more than mine and DH) but that also finishes in June.
Her plan is to go to Uni, whether remaining at home or going away remains to be seen. So what do you do for your 18yr olds remaining at home? DH thinks I'm a tightarse (I'm not we're just skint now I'm part time) so thought i'd check smile

goingmadinthecountry Mon 25-Feb-13 21:06:43

helliebean, in lots of ways I see your point but it doesn't work for everyone. We are victims of where we live for a start. No public transport here for starters.

My children are motivated and have worked. Nos 2 and 3's job right now is to get good enough grades for RG University. Dd1 managed just fine and others are no less clever. No exception allowed for dyslexic ds. If doing a full on degree (ie Law, Medicine or similar), job not required because learning and living is a full time activity.

Our children and their friends all have an excellent work ethic despite very few of them having jobs. It's the way you're brought up. My best memories are from when I was in 6th form. It's such an important time.

flow4 Sat 23-Feb-13 11:19:11

But it can be far more complicated than simply age. My DS1 dropped out of college last year. I wanted him in college, and what motivated him was money, so I paid him to go: £20/week so long as he attended every day. hmm Now he is back in college, and becoming motivated by the study itself, and I could stop that £20 when he turns 18 in a few months... And indeed I am thinking about it... But it seems a bit miserable (even twisted logic!) to stop the money he got when he was not studying when now he is! confused

And those of you who stopped giving cash... What about paying for other activities? Did you also stop paying for music lessons? Sports activities? Gym passes? Bus passes? Driving lessons...? Because for many teens who do get weekly/monthly cash, that is all they get... While others who do not get cash do get much more 'in kind' or as 'hidden extras'...

influenceofchoc Sat 23-Feb-13 01:31:41

I thought it might help to have a post from the other side. My parents made us do chores around the house, i kid you not for £1 a week! When we grumbled this was met with 'fine do it for free'. £1 it was.grin i had my first mobile bought for me for my birthday at 14ish on the understanding i paid for costs. So i got babysitting jobs (made a small fortunegrin ) so this paid for cinema etc too.
Being older (and wiser?) i now see what our parents were doing, preparing us for a world where you work for what you want and need.
As soon as we went to college, we had accommodation paid for, but social life, phone, travel was to be paid by us. We worked part time, spent what we had, saved tiny bits for when we didnt and it worked. Always with the knowledge that if we were in need of essentials it would be sent (food, books not available from library).When exams came up and part time work was affecting studies, we quit and got other jobs after exams. Employer once rehired me too. Neither of to this day have debt, lack of money and are comfortable. We have always been snapped up for jobs straight away when applying. The main reason is our work ethic and life experience. Qualifications help obviously, but that isnt what employers want to talk about, they can read a cv for that.
We are very lucky, our friends didnt always have the same grounding. Many are struggling (mounting debt, bancruptcy and no monry management skills) with being thrust into a world after education, that doesnt have the same entitled mentality they expected, or financial stability we saw growing up. Its certainly an approach i will take with parenting.

chenin Thu 21-Feb-13 15:03:27

Well...... startail... I wouldn't want to have been funding mine until they were eligible for benefits! What does that teach them? Nothing! There's no independence there... it's moving on from the bank of good ole Mum and Dad to the benefit system isn't it...

Eldest DC took a year out after Uni. She funded it all herself by working up until she went off travelling, then working when she got home. I lent her some which she paid back within a few months of returning and back working.

BackforGood Thu 21-Feb-13 13:53:48

Excellent posts by helliebean

Startail Thu 21-Feb-13 11:50:41

Surely age doesn't come into this.

DCs our our DCs to fund until they get a loan for Uni. or a reasonably paid job or are eligible for benefits.

Thus dependent on when in the year their birthdays are and whether they take a year out, I'm guessing you may well part fund DCs upto about 19, possibly 20.

A DC is for life not just for Christmas grin

chenin Thu 21-Feb-13 09:12:02

Thanks... I am sounding like a tightwad but I'm not. If there's been any funding needed education wise, I have paid all of that. I have eased their path to better themselves with education, whether it be bus fares, books etc. But I'm buggered if I'm giving a DC money to sit in a Costa and drink coffee, or go out with friends and drink, or go to festivals, whatever... that's luxuries you should fund for yourself surely.

Surely as parents we have to start thinking in advance about cutting the apron strings, about letting go and encouraging them to make their way in the world.

amumthatcares... you said about worrying whether your DC's schoolwork will suffer and I totally get that. I used to try and imagine what my DC would be doing at that time on a Friday night if she weren't at work (for instance)... would she be doing schoolwork? Would she be writing essays? No! She would have been on FB or on the phone to mates. It isn't easy to slot in work amongst studies and you have to be realistic and not overdo it but even a couple of shifts waitressing at the local pub a week paid £50 a week and that was easy enough to slot in amongst studying and it taught my DD so much.... interacting with people, working as part of a team, taking flak from snotty customers etc. It was invaluable.

HermioneHatesHoovering Thu 21-Feb-13 08:54:07

Everything that Helliebean said, word for word!

chenin Thu 21-Feb-13 08:49:01

I am mouth agape at all these 18yr olds and over getting allowances? Why? Someone was giving their DC £40 a month plus £25 a month mob contract. Someone else is giving their DC £110 a month. Bloody hell, I'm speechless. Where's the incentive to be independent? At age 18 I was working and funding myself in a paid flat. It is quite feasible for a parent to pay the necessary stuff education wise and I always have, but to pay mobiles, drinking money, social life, lunch out... why?

I've never given my DCs an allowance. They had to start thinking about some sort of work from the age of 15 or thereabouts. I've never paid for their phone... good grief, I resent paying for mine let alone paying for someone else's contract. I slowly and surely started them on the road to independence before they reached 18 so that when they went to Uni, they knew they were responsible for themselves. They had student loans to buy food and exist and once it was gone it was gone.... their choice what they spend it on. Accommodation I paid for. Surely by throwing all this money at kids, they are never going to be independent. Both mine have both had different jobs over the years and there's never been a time they haven't done something or other. It has been totally invaluable, firstly to make them grow up a bit and secondly, to go on a CV when it comes to making their way in the world. It's no good coming out of Uni never having worked... employers wouldn't care what degree you had, you could have a 1st class honours degree and it wouldn't mean much - it's work experience and what you've done to show that you are an all rounder, combined with the degree, that matters.

Eldest DC is in her first year of a fantastic graduate scheme... the long process of interviewing took months. The employer never asked about her degree, it was everything else she had to talk about in phone interviews, assessment days, prersentations etc. She had to prove she had been proactive in making her way in the world.

SecondhandRose Thu 21-Feb-13 08:01:17

Had a chat with DS about his 18th last night - wants return ticket to Brisbane, a days go karting with his mates, a family meal out and a meal and drinks out with friends. Dream on son.

deleted203 Tue 19-Feb-13 20:51:27

If you're over 18 in our house you are either in education or working. And we will put a roof over your head and feed you, but nowt else. Any money you want you need to earn.

I fund pocket money up to end of A levels and that's it. Mine have all had p/t jobs anyway from about 14.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust Tue 19-Feb-13 20:46:42

I dont think there is a `right` way amum, dds 18 she works pt whilst studying at college, shes going away in October for three months on a project so is putting most of the money towards that, but she pays her travelling and phone bill and her own social life, shes already very good with money and setting up dds and suchwot. I do think it gives her a gentle look into the responsibilities of adulthood if that makes sense, whilst we are still beside her to `hold her hand` through the first steps.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 20:17:21

I agree, a tricky one.

amumthatcares Tue 19-Feb-13 19:52:08

Picking up on a few of the comments about DC getting jobs vs being funded while they concentrate purely on their studies, this is such a fine line to get right and I'm not sure we have. DD has been doing her job for 15 months(every Sat & Sun and usually one night in the week). On top of that she has picked up a bit of modelling for a photographer that teaches photography (very good/easy money). So this week she has worked the weekend + 4 hours tonight + another 2 hours Thursday. While this gives her the money to pay for pretty much what she wants, I worry constantly that her school work suffers. She has just done mocks and got an A* in one subject and a D in another, which just won't do for her Uni entry sad. Either way, it's so tricky getting it just they spend this time learning the value of money and having a good work ethic, or do they focus purely on their studies and not have the money for a social life?

AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 14:19:40

hmm, Euro, you are certainly giving me food for thought smile

I know all this, of course and started out with my MrsScrimpy "I am not prepared to fund a teenager when they could get a job" etc but got worn down with feeling a bit sorry for her, and by my much softer DH.


Am not going to suddenly withdraw anything, but am determined not to buy a full wardrobe of holiday clothes for her (she is coming with us again, or no hols, innit), fund a car/insurance and give her any extras for socialising.

When I found myself dipping into my purse for a birthday present for her mate the other week, I had to give myself a shake smile

EuroShopperEnergyDrink Tue 19-Feb-13 14:08:08

I wasn't a teenager terribly long ago- so this was my set up.

Never got any pocket money, always had to ask if I could go to the cinema of have some bus fare to meet friends, and even then I'd be given bare minimum (ie- fiver for a child's ticket and I'd take a drink in, exact £££ for a bus fare to town and a sausage roll grin) I thought it was so unfair at the time but asking my parents for money was so bloody demeaning even at 13 that I got myself on a paper round waiting list until I got a slot, then moved onto working in a local cafe. Since then I've been never out of work, part time during term and full time during holidays- I work in a supermarket now as a masters student.

Throughout uni my minimum (3500) loan paid for the bulk of my accommodation and I worked to raise the extra, my parents sent me £50 a week once I got a job at uni as an incentive to work, and they still do it today.

It may sound mean, but the way I see it, and it was the case for a lot of my friends who are students of 22/23 who have never had a job, that when their bus fare and lunch was paid for and they had 20 quid left from their allowance to go down the pub on Friday after college- there was simply no incentive to work.

If you can afford it- maybe suggest when she gets a job, you'll top up her wages as a way of encouraging work ethic. I'm sure once they see the satisfaction of earning your own money and all of the delicious overtime dolla that you can splurge in Topshop over the summer, they wouldn't go back. Once they've done it a few months you could wean them off the top up.

As you can tell from the 50 quid pw I get from the bank of mum and dad while I study, they are certainly comfortable and throughout college and uni could have just foot the bill- and even though I hated it at the time, they really did teach me the value of money and how good it feels to earn my own money smile

AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 13:44:03

Finding this thread interesting too

Going to put our situation down here to get a handle on it myself

DD is in 1st year of a level 3 BTEC. She says she doesn't want to go to Uni at the end of it (but still has time to change her mind)

We currently give her 40 quid on college weeks to cover bus fares, lunches and "spends" that she does (a few) chores for. On weeks off college she just gets 20. We pay for compulsory college trips and give her extra spending money for them.

We pay her mob phone at 25 quid/month.

I buy basic toiletries for her out of the weekly shop. I buy her the occasional large clothing item (coat, shoes, essentials). Any extras she has to fund herself. Any socialising she pays out of her allowance.

Have tried to keep the bankrolling to a minimum to encourage her to get a PT job, but she is showing little interest and is an intrinsically very lazy bugger. However, DH thinks I am mean because she is doing very well at college and has had somewhat of a turnaround academically as the GCSE yr was a fucking nightmare. He thinks we should let her just concentrate on studies for these 2 years.

I dunno what will happen next year, tbh.

niceguy2 Tue 19-Feb-13 13:19:17

This thread has made me realise I need to start planning now for when DD goes to Uni. I hadn't really given any thought about the fact the loan may not be enough to pay for accommodation. What the govt thinks I should be able to contribute and what I actually can afford to contribute are likely to be very different.

GreatUncleEddie Tue 19-Feb-13 12:44:11

Yep the iPhone will have to go. No brainer.

mumblechum1 Tue 19-Feb-13 12:35:49

happily I wonder which of those items actually gets consumed wink

happilyconfused Mon 18-Feb-13 19:26:28

I know a lot of parents who pay for accommodation, books and return home travel. The loan is then used for day to day living. One mum has an ocado shop delivered every Monday to her 2nd year uni dd which includes lots of fruit, veg, eggs and a bottle of Smirnoff.

mumblechum1 Mon 18-Feb-13 11:48:52

Yes, that's my understanding too.

As the interest rate seems to be creeping up, another option is just to pay for everything up front and hope that our DCs will repay our generosity by putting us into a nice retirement home when the time comes wink

Follyfoot Mon 18-Feb-13 11:30:10

Ah OK Mumblechum thanks. Have just had a play on the student finance calculator - the loan seems to start to go down at between £45 and £50k, and the grant seems to stop at between £42 and £43k.

mumblechum1 Mon 18-Feb-13 11:19:40

swivel probably won't get a grant if her DSD is only entitled to the minimum loan.

The students who are only entitled to the minimum loan are presumed to have parents who can afford to top them up.

Follyfoot Mon 18-Feb-13 10:34:48

When DD was living at home in the last school year prior to Uni, we gave her £110 a month. We didnt pay for anything on top, so it was in her best interests to research phone contracts etc to make sure she got the best deal. She had a part time job which funded her social life. It worked very well for her and us and although she will always be a spender grin it did help her to organise herself.

When she went to Uni, she specifically chose the cheapest accommodation to make sure she had some disposable income. We send her what we can towards her rent. She also works part time to support herself.

As well as the maintenance loan, there is the maintenance grant, are you including that in your calculations Swivel?

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