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13 year old daughter hates me

(49 Posts)
Pammos Sun 10-Feb-13 13:48:30

I am a new person to mumsnet and this is my first attempt to get some advice /help from others. My middle child (only girl, other 2 are boys) has turned against me and it is very upsetting for me and the rest of the family. She barely speaks to me, when she does it is "when is my dinner ready", "where is my netball kit" type stuff. She looks at me with utter scorn and hatred burning in her eyes and shares practically nothing with me. She gets home from school and disappears upstairs to watch TV/go on computer and seems disinterested in joining in with the family. Given I have a 14.5 year old son I felt I had some understanding of how to deal with teenagers but she is unmanageable as has become an almost stereotypical "bitch girl teenager" and I wonder if it is because she attends a (very good) girls school and watches all of these horrible American TV shows (pretty little liars, etc). She seems to enjoy seeing me upset by her words and actions. Everything I do is wrong. I am at my wit's end. My husband and older son have both tried to talk to her about her behavior but she just doesn't respond or seem to care. I think everything is OK at school, she has some outside activities too (although I often have to battle with her to make her honour her commitments - e.g. battle rehearsal for an upcoming show, taking part in a club hockey match, etc). I have to find a way to make things better between us because I feel myself hardening against her - almost as a defence mechanism. Help!

usualsuspect Sun 10-Feb-13 13:52:41

She doesn't hate you, can you spend some one to one time with her? Shopping or going for a coffee.

Nooneelseisallowedafergus Sun 10-Feb-13 14:00:07

Well, I do not have a teenage daughter, but I once was one. I think teenagers can be as irrational as toddlers. I think they can lay blame at their parents door if things elsewhere in their lives aren't going perfectly well, like minor arguments with friends, or unrequited 'love' for another.
When I was 14, just the sight of my mum used to annoy the hell out of me. Obv, my mum wasn't perfect, but the vast majority of my problem was actually me. Me growing up and having a zillion hormones and complex 'feelings' and insecurities that I didn't have the maturity to deal with.
The answer; I grew out of it, and was nearly completely reasonable by the time I was 17.
You'll get your lovely daughter back, don't worry.

Pammos Sun 10-Feb-13 14:02:01

She doesn't want to do anything with me. I did exactly this a couple of weeks ago - took her shopping and for a coffee and she barely spoke to me. We went on the pretext of getting some gifts for her friends' birthdays and she had no interest or enthusiasm. I took her to the ballet on Friday night - I'd bought 3 tickets on the basis that she could bring a friend - she said she didn't want to bring a friend so her dad cam with us. She was bored and rude to me about the show saying it was terrible and she was glad a friend hadn't come and would have been embarrased. As someone who has done ballet since the age of 3 I had hoped she would see I was arranging something nice for her but it was again the case that I had done the wrong thing.

Pammos Sun 10-Feb-13 14:05:23

This has crossed my mind too but I don't know how to deal with the situation now and can't bear the thought of it going on any longer. I feel myself turning away from her and I really don't want to lose her

Nooneelseisallowedafergus Sun 10-Feb-13 14:06:13

Try not to push things, as it'll prob 'annoy' her even more. Go out with your husband and your own friends, have fun and just be there in the background, she'll soften towards you in her own time. I promise she loves you. It'll all be fine.

MSP1 Tue 12-Feb-13 17:37:55

I agree. The more of an independent life from her you have the less her behaviour will upset you and the more respect she will have (in time) for you. I had very similar situation with eldest DD who is now absolutely lovely (&22)! Good luck smile

flow4 Tue 12-Feb-13 22:58:15

She doesn't hate you... A lot of teens go through a phase of being totally foul; it's (unfortunately) a natural part of their growing up. This book explains how they need to break away from you emotionally, and one of the 'best' ways for them to do it is to be horrible, to sort of pretend to themselves that they don't need you or like you and to guarantee you'll be pleased to see them go! hmm

I have to say, this rang true, and felt very reassuring to me!

My own add-on theory is that teens who feel particularly close to their parents (and IME especially their mums) feel the need to be particularly foul - presumably because the 'emotional journey' to independence is further for them.

Of course, to us, it feels especially sad when a child we used to be so close to starts to reject us (personally, I felt bereft sad )... But it does help a bit to know it has biological explanation...

IloveJudgeJudy Fri 15-Feb-13 13:00:45

I have been in almost the same situation as you - DD is middle DC and other DC are boys (now 18, 16 and 14). At 13 to 15 DD was the same as your DD. I found the more I tried to talk to her the worse she treated me, so I almost blanked her. If she said that I treated her differently than the other DC I would answer that she treated me differently than they did. They would talk to me, she didn't.

I'm sure that it will turn out all right in the end. We have now come out the other side. I'm not saying every day is perfect, but it's much, much better. She will still sometimes try to take offence at anything and everything, but it's not every day any more.

At least DD did and does always behave at school and when we were out. We didn't have that to deal with.

specialsubject Fri 15-Feb-13 13:20:13

time for some frank talking and some manners. She is unpleasant to live with and this is not acceptable. Most of us are nasty as teenagers at some stage but this is out of order.

She doesn't have to spend her spare time with you - and certainly don't spend any more money on activities until she behaves better - but she needs to keep up with her schoolwork, look after her health and treat you with some basic civility. You can stress that you want to help if there is a problem, but you can't help if you don't know what the issue is.

time to remove the privileges too - laptop except for schoolwork, mobile phone, hair straighteners. The last is extremely cruel of course. :-)

might also be worth a word with the school just to check that there isn't something going on.

SecondhandRose Sat 16-Feb-13 10:13:05

I have a DD 14. As above she needs to know what is and isnt acceptable. Write it down if need be. My DD hands in phone and laptop at 9.30 on school night and 10.30 in school holidays. If my DD's room is not tidy she cant go out at the weekend. Last week it wasnt tidy enough so she was allowed out for 2 hours. She knows the score.

Kids need boundaries and actually want boundaries.

Tell her what is expected of her. You are in charge not her.

Magdalena45 Sat 16-Feb-13 19:32:24

She doesn't hate you. If she is unhappy in some way (which is really common for teenage girls), she might take it out on the person she feels safest with, you. She knows you'll still love her, so she might vent all her frustration out at you.
If you think it's going beyond normal teenage attempts to distance herself and be independent, I would keep an eye out in case something is bothering her. Have you thought about having a discreet word with school to see if they've noticed any changes in her?

GeorginaWorsley Sat 16-Feb-13 20:19:24

Agree that she is foul,DD1 was awful from 13 to ....well,recently (23 now)
She can act like this with you because you love her,she is testing that love.
All quite normal.
It will pass,eventually,and she will want you again,believe me.
As I said,our eldest DD was an awful teenager,truanting,smoking,cannabis,staying out all night,parties when we were away.
Now she happily settled,child of her own,lovely partner.
Wanted me at baby's birth as well!
She will come good,don;t put yourself out for her,but do pull her up on rudeness/cheek.
What does she need from you?
I witheld lifts to places unless she was at least civil to me.

ivykaty44 Sat 16-Feb-13 23:59:39

Don't take it personally
Teen girls are very different from boys
It isn't that she doesnt care it is due to her brain re wiring so she just doesn't get it
Don't take it to heart

It will get better with time as her brain changes and settles

But most of all don't take it personally and don't sweat the small stuff

sarva Mon 18-Feb-13 12:07:05

My eldest was the same 13-17 years and it's really tough. I do sympathise, but as lots of other Mums have said, it will pass. Now at 18 she's a lovely young woman and our relationship is very good. Best bit of advice I was given by a Mum of older girls was to "back off" - unless of course it's a major issue e.g. broken rule/ safety issue / excessive rudeness etc. Otherwise, let her come to you and she will, when she's ready. Hang on in there and accept that it's a natural part of growing up. The book Get out of my life... referenced above is fantastic too. Best of luck to you.

flowercloud Mon 25-Feb-13 21:32:03

I had to separate from my husband recently and both my daughters won't talk to me or see me. It's now been two months and I need some help with this situation which is absolutely awful. I've always been there for them and been a full time at-home mom. Can anyone help?

SecondhandRose Mon 25-Feb-13 22:45:05

Flowercloud, start a new thread with your message.

SarahSim Tue 11-Jun-13 20:20:48

My 12 year old absolutely hates me at the moment and constantly says I dont like her, never have and favour my eldest daughter - now 16. I have taken on board your comments and will get the book referenced above - its just nice to know that its not just happening to me! I would never have thought mu gorgeous girl, who I never had to raise my voice to, would hate me so much :-(

TheEarlOf Tue 11-Jun-13 22:32:58

From a recent experience of being a teenage girl that vehemently hated her mother it was because of my own insecurities that I felt she wasn't helping with. I went to a very high pressured school and had issues with friends and so on and she didn't help at all (unlike the really nice mums I see come on here asking for what they can do with their DDs when they're having problems). I think it was probably more that she didn't know what to do not that she didn't want to but it felt like I was all alone with the world.

I now look back on it but still don't feel any 'remorse' about it, which some people may think is really rude and unfeeling but I would say we 'get on' but only because I've grown up as a person and don't have those same issues. We still aren't close and I don't think we ever will be but she is still my mother and my family.

I agree that it is probably a part of growing up though, finding yourself without your mother helping you at every stage. I know this thread is old but for general advice I would still try (but don't push too hard) and make sure she knows you still love her and are still there for her even if she acts like she hates you (she probably doesn't!)

samanthani Mon 17-Jun-13 15:18:45

I agree with loads of what's been said. My DS1 (now 21) was a nightmare from 13 to 15, now I get on great with him. DS2 didn't really have teen problems but DD1 is just (at 16) getting into the horrible, hateful phase.

When DD1 was going through it, I had a theory that it's nature's way, so that we don't get so depressed when they do leave home!! I was interested to read that flow4 suggested that the closer they are, the worse they are - DS1 used to be really close to me, DS2 not so much, and DD1 stuck to me like glue until a few months ago.

Just need to get through the next few years, then DD2's teen years will kick in.

(First post on here - hello!!)


Madamecastafiore Mon 17-Jun-13 15:26:11

DD was like this and I have said to her I am happy for her tobe a stroppy teen but we do not do bitchy or rude in this house so she needed to srt her attitude out promptly.

I do agree that they need space and love but I think they need to not forget to treat others with politeness and respect.

Flicktheswitch Mon 17-Jun-13 20:54:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brightstarfish Wed 19-Jun-13 22:14:21

so glad that it all dd will be 16 in sept.

Cerisier Thu 20-Jun-13 03:34:26

I agree with those saying teens need to know they must treat the others in the house with respect. Basic manners are non negotiable. DH and I always pull up any rudeness or unkindness immediately. We calmly point it out and usually get an embarrassed apology in return. Teens can spout some nonsense without thinking.

Sometimes our teen girls hide away in their rooms working or watching youtube or whatever. I don't have a problem with that, I like some peace and quiet too.

We do all eat together each evening and everyone describes what their day has been like, which does seem to help keep everyone in touch with each other.

With regards to the ballet- I would never buy tickets for anything without checking a teen wanted to go (and whether they wanted to go with us, a sister or friends).

It sounds as if your DD wants some independence and privacy. I can't see the problem with this as long as she pulls her weight at home and is polite.

Kleinzeit Thu 20-Jun-13 10:58:32

I don’t have a teenaged DD but I was a horrible teenager myself and something I remember - round about 13 I started to grow up and to realise that I was going to turn out like my parents in some ways. And the more critical and worried I felt about myself, the worse I felt about my parents. Mostly my Dad because I was more like him, though a lot of girls would feel more like their Mums. Once I got more mature, and came to terms with who I was, I felt a lot better about my parents, and my Dad and I understand each other well now and I have a lot of respect for him.

I don’t have a lot of suggestions about how to manage her right now though. Apart from, I do agree with what Cerisier's said. And really really try not to worry about her grumpy hatey face and general lack of gratitude, don’t take it personally, and try not to let it get to you! Teenagers can just be hard work flowers

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