16 yr old DS1 in another strop (4 times a week usually) bec we wouldn't let him have wifi. Last night at bedtime he turns his music on full blast, other 2 younger ones can't get to sleep. We warned him 3 times to turn it down, in the end we switched off the sockets at the mains. So he decides to play his guitar very loudly, we were still calm, trying very hard not to blow. So we turned off the light switch. Whole house in darkness now. Also took away the guitar. Next thing he does is gathered all his GCSE books and left it in the hallway with a note saying he's not going to study anymore.
My husband and I are hard working people, education is very important to us, this is like a slap in the face. We don't know what to do with him, increasingly his behaviour is getting worst, aggressiveness towards us and his siblings. So mouthy and disrespectful, for god's sake he even calls us names! Will we get done for tying him up in the garden? Am so desperate sometimes I feel like calling in the social workers. He's making our lives hell and he actually enjoys watching us cry and stress, seems like a game to him.
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Teenagers
I want to tie my DS1 to a tree in the garden!!
TigerMumalert13 · 04/02/2013 21:23
I assume you're joking? Just in case you're not, of course you'd get done for tying him up in the garden!
It is a game for him. He's deliberately winding you up. It's part of his growing up - he needs to distance himself from you emotionally, and one good way to do it is to fight you: he can pretend (mostly to himself) that he's rejecting you and doesn't need you, while in fact keeping you nice and close. You need to learn not to play the game. We have a mantra here: detach, detach, detach. Most of us get good at this after several years - around the time they leave home!
Have you come across this book. I recommend it a lot. It helps parents understand what is going on inside teenagers' heads... Most of it isn't personal - however much it feels like it - it's just biology. 
I hope the rest of the evening is calm for you. :)
Oh, I missed that detail scwirrels, and I agree. Teens pretty much always 'win' if it comes to open confrontation (because they are generally prepared to behave more outrageously than we are?!) - Always negotiate before you get to the point of conflict if possible. The aim is for you to give them control as they get older, rather than for you to lose it!
I am reading this with terror in my heart OP. DD is a mere 4 months and I'm reading this and thinking 'Aaaaarrrrgggghhhhh! Some day....!' 
Big sympathy. It sounds like you're doing everything you can and you and DH deserve medals for not blowing a fuse. I have been a teacher of secondary age brats kids and while most of them are great there is the occasional dimwit 16 year old boy who cannot be reasoned with, at all, ever. Irrational toddler is a good comparison. Sadly in my experience they rarely learn until it's too late. I stood with colleagues and watched one of them crying over his GCSE results in front of his whole year group. It took until that moment for him to really understand the consequences of his actions. None of us took any pleasure in seeing it :(
The end result was positive however - he went to tech, got on a course he likes and is actually doing really well. That moment, however harsh, taught him he didn't ever want to be in that situation again.
So I guess my point is do your best but ultimately it may be a mistake he has to make. And always remember the following mantra: Never argue with a pig in the mud. You'll both get messy but only the pig will enjoy it...
Detach, detach, detach! Make this your mantra! Let him write all the letters he wants, and make all the demands he wants... They are pretty powerless protests, when you think about it, unless you let them wind you up!
He is clearly a very clever boy - perfectly clever enough to realise the truth of "OK, don't study. Your choice. But if you don't do it now, the rest of your life is going be very much harder. And we won't be around to support you then".
I do understand what it's like, Tiger, and how infuriating it is - my DS1 behaved very like this the year he was 15. (Except he didn't take it quite as far, and I didn't rise to the bait quite as often). He under-achieved at GCSEs, and totally wasted Y12, and went off the tracks a bit... But now he's back on them, doing a course he wants to do, and talking about university. So don't think our DS is on his 'last chance', because he really isn't.
Can I double-check something? Am I right in understanding that he now has no phone, no phone charger, no kindle, no guitar, no access to the computer except for homework and no wifi? All because he hasn't studied as much as you want him to?
If so, I'm afraid you have painted yourselves into a bit of a corner. You have been very heavy-handed (IMO), and what you are seeing now is "Might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb" behaviour. He has nothing left to lose, and no motivation to behave. He might as well be rude and challenging, because why should he not be, and what else can you do? You yourself have recognised the 'logical' next step is the totally ridiculous "tying him to a tree in the garden". That's a pretty good sign you've gone too far. :(
It's easy to get into situations like this, and hard to get out of them again. You can't easily give him back privileges while he's behaving badly, and he has no reason to co-operate while he has no privileges. As I said above, the idea is for you to give him control, rather than for you to lose it - but at the moment you have lost it, I'm afraid.
I think the only way out of this impasse is for you to pick a calm moment (and I agree with niceguy that car journeys are good) and start 'negotiations' with him. Personally, I would probably say something like "I've been thinking. We're fighting, but really that's silly, because actually we want the same thing here. We want you to do well in your GCSEs and you want to do well... Can we talk about how we can all make that happen?" and then take it from there...
I would expect a bit of blustering at first (after all, he's clearly angry too) and probably he'll try saying things like "You give me back all my stuff and then I'll talk"... The trick to having successful negotiations is going to be to stay detached, and keep focused on what you want out of the situation.
But be prepared to make some 'concessions'. Because the alternative is that you stay locked in this impossible conflict for a very long time.
I don't know if that makes sense. It's late now so I may not be explaining myself well. I'll have another read tomorrow, probably when I'm back from work... :)
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