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school refusal in 14 year old boy

(11 Posts)
loopyloo123 Mon 04-Feb-13 10:35:23

I am getting desperate. My son is impossible in the mornings (most school days these days) - says he is physically unable to get up, can't drag himself out of bed. When he does go to school he's fine, quite happy and doing OK. But on the other days it's like a different person wakes up from the one we said good night to. He doesn't like his school, that's true but no matter how we have impressed upon him that it isn't a choice, he still plays this 'I can't help it, I can't do it' card. I've taken him to the GP - nothing wrong. I've made another appointment now and am waiting for referral from GP to counsellor to come through - not that my son entertains that idea at all and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to get him to go. We have support from the school and have kept them in the loop - but they are now faced with calling us before a panel, and if things don't improve then, we will be prosecuted. My son knows this and still it doesn't seem to have made any difference. He is loving and sweet towards us - except in the mornings. I am at my wits end.

flow4 Mon 04-Feb-13 13:45:53

loopy, Oscar has started a very similar thread: . It's probably worth a look.

I've just posted on there about my experience - what I did in a similar situation a few years ago.

Zinkies Mon 04-Feb-13 20:55:46

Regarding prosecution: it is ultimately your choice that he be registered at a school. Whether or not your son would be better off if he went to school more or less often, you can't blame him if you get prosecuted. You have the option to deregister.

flow4 Mon 04-Feb-13 22:22:35

Are you talking about home education, Zinkies? Because if loopy de-registers her son, she has to ensure that he "receive(s) efficient full time education suitable a) to his age ability and aptitude, and b) any special educational needs he may have". That's not possible for many families.

However, prosecution is very unlikely if you keep them informed.. It's not in anyone's interests to try to prosecute parents who are trying to get their kids to school...

OscarSwoosh Tue 05-Feb-13 03:00:19

Hello, just popping in before bed to offer my support, flow4 has posted the link to my thread about my DD. Similar situation, very difficult.
Just wanted to put another idea into the mix. The school may be willing for your son to flexi-school. This is technically what my daughter is doing at the moment, which means she goes in for the lessons she wants to do, but the school are calling it 'part time' and flexi-schooling has not actually been mentioned.

In your case, flexi-schooling would mean he stays registered at the school but is also learning at home. Might be an option.

loopyloo123 Tue 05-Feb-13 19:54:12

Yes that's what I think. But apart from the threat of that its so upsetting to see his negative attitude to school. I wake up every day with a sinking heart. Will he go today? He is missing so much learning. And not having any fun at home instead. Just lying on his bed, laptop confiscated so doesn't even have that as an excuse for something better to do.

loopyloo123 Tue 05-Feb-13 20:07:34

Thanks I will certainly look into it. But still not sure what the issue is. He is fine and happy when he goes. It's just like the mornings turn him into a different person. What would cause this?

niceguy2 Tue 05-Feb-13 21:51:08

What time does he go to bed and does he have stuff in his room he could be messing with until stupid o'clock? For example his phone?

Zinkies Tue 05-Feb-13 21:58:39

You should give him his laptop back. That should reduce your concern about his missing learning. Computers are highly educational. It would also make his life more fun. It is also his property.

Why is upsetting to see his negative attitude to school? You might disagree with him about it, but why be upset by an opinion? Are you able to explain why you think school is so good? If you are right about that and could explain it well, then he would want to go to school.

Also, by him being fine and happy when he goes, do you mean he is happy when he is actually there? If so, how do you know? And why would he not want to go if he is happy there? If people are happy at places, they usually want to go to those places. Or do you mean he only goes on those occasions when he is happy to?

loopyloo123 Wed 06-Feb-13 12:03:52

I don't think school is necessarily the best place in the world to be but frankly we all have to go. I am not in a position to home school so there is no alternative but to go. To allow a 14 year old to simply drop out isn't an option. He is happy enough to go a lot of the time, so that doesn't seem to suggest anything horrendous is happening there. The staff tell me he seems happy enough with his mates when they see him and when he comes home, he is perfectly cheerful. It just seems to me that there are some days he either gets into such a low mood that he can't face going (we all know that feeling but part of life is just getting on with things. You can't just decide to do whatever you want whenever you want to!), or just decides to 'play' me - I'm not sure what it is. I have tried to explain why school is necessary but he thinks he knows it all and it's a waste of time. I know he'd like to change schools but I am not sure that's going to be the answer - could be even worse for him. And he's in the middle of year 10 so really not possible now to change.

loopyloo123 Wed 06-Feb-13 12:05:42

He goes to bed at 10.30 latest, and we take everything out of his room just to make sure he isn't tempted to be on his stuff all night. He goes to bed very sweetly, seems quite positive about the next day but then the next day comes and it's a different story! Having said that, the last two days were great - but there's no knowing what tomorrow will hold.

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