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Your Teen wins....

(156 Posts)
TopsyRK Mon 28-Jan-13 17:04:32

Your teen wins as soon as you raise your voice, they are looking for conflict.

Your rules should always be...

Ask first
Tell second
Punish third

Ask them to do something, if no reaction, then tell them, if no reaction punish them, never raise your voice or argue with them as you are the parent.

Trust me not easy but it works


Maryz Mon 28-Jan-13 21:57:40

Gosh, I have obviously made a massive mistake somewhere along the line.

What happens when you:

Ask (them not to go out) first
Response: Fuck off, you can't stop me
Tell (them to go to their room) second
Response: Smash the door off its hinges, punch a hole in the wall and walk out the front door
Punish (take away their phone, maybe?) third
Response: steal your tv and sell it for drug money.

I'm not sure your system would work with ds1 grin

It works wonderfully well with dd and ds2 of course, but then any system would work with them. They mind what I think, and care about being punished. So are easy to parent, with no system at all.

LynetteScavo Mon 28-Jan-13 22:00:24

So how does this punishing thing work then?

I ask teen to tidy bedroom.
I tell teen to tidy bedroom.
I punish. (What sort of punishment would you give?) Genuinely curious. confused

Personally instead of punishing, I just go into their bedroom, hoover up and bin everything I don't like the look of and pocket any money left on the floor.

Chris won't be back. I don't think this is the first thread like this he's started.

DeafLeopard Mon 28-Jan-13 22:10:32

Marking my place to see Chris' CV and response to MaryZs post, as MaryZ is the fount of all teen knowledge IMO

Maryz Mon 28-Jan-13 22:11:59

Oh, was this Chris too, do you suppose?

Maryz Mon 28-Jan-13 22:12:49

[arf] Deaf. I only know how to do it wrong grin. Just don't do what I did (whatever that was) and you'll be fine.

OhMerGerd Tue 29-Jan-13 00:12:33

You know when the DC think you were born yesterday and they cook up one of their wacky stories to try and cover up a misdemeanor or persuade you that everybody else's parents lets their DC drink, have sex, smoke, in the house from aged 13.
This is like one of them...
Mummy's on MN and chris has neen naughty and the hope is that she'll read this and skip over giving him the bollocking deserved...
Backfired. Better luck next time.

CuttedUpPear Tue 29-Jan-13 07:31:40

<rubs hands in anticipation of Chris's CV>
<hopes the pics of the teen dungeon are in hi definition>

Tittybangbang Tue 29-Jan-13 08:16:32

So looking forward to DS2 becoming a teen. Not. At the moment it goes like this:

Ask ds to pick up toys.

Tell ds to pick up toys.

Remove ds's gadget as a punishment for not picking up toys.

Chase ds around the house for an hour trying to reclaim my iphone, which he has half-inched as what he sees as 'fair recompense' for me removing his gadget.


MuchBrighterNow Tue 29-Jan-13 08:19:19

Maybe the Op's a master in Intimidation !

TopsyRK Tue 29-Jan-13 11:02:21

Thank you for your responces, which were in the whole expected. The first line of that post is very true, if you shout back at your teen then sorry but they win. That is what they want.

As for the other, reading through I do see that even Maryz agrees they work with two of her children. There is not one answer to cover all teens it is about talking to them and not at them and finding what works for you.

I did see one about being polite, this is great advice a simply please and thank you goes a long way.

Routine is also very important,set meal times, bed times, in the house times etc etc, often if these are set and introduced prior to the teenage years life is much easier.

I was asked why am I here?, fine fair enough question if you now read my profile you will see I have alot of experience to offer, if you want that advice then fine, if not then that is fine too.

However what I witnessed last night seemed to be the usual Troll hunt because a newbie didn't fill out the profile info... or maybe I am mistaken

This was not my first post. that was about sausages, my second was inThe Staffroom and a third was a poem I have written in the Carers thread.

I do hope this goes someway to answering your questions but feel free to ask more as I shall be staying around, but am very busy with schools at them moment.

Chris :-)

flow4 Tue 29-Jan-13 11:06:32

Ask, tell, punish...

Hmmm... Yes... That could work.

I can see it being highly effective, in fact.

You'd never, ever, ever have to ask a teen to do the same thing twice, if the punishment was something like this . hmm

TopsyRK Tue 29-Jan-13 11:10:28

Sorry 'them moment'?
should be the moment, forgot to mention I am also dyslexic


Astelia Tue 29-Jan-13 11:11:42

I am rapidly taking offence at your patronising tone Chris. Thought you'd come along to MN and tell us all where we are going wrong did you? How kind confused.

You sound like some evangelical bullying religious type. Anyone who has an ounce of sense and wants to build a long term relationship with their teen shouldn't be telling them anything.

You order them about when they are toddlers, by the time they are teens you advise and help. If they ask.

flow4 Tue 29-Jan-13 11:15:57

Oops, cross-post.

No Chris. I have never filled out any profile information, and have never been flamed here. You got the reaction you did because your first post was patronising, judgemental and trite.

Your second one is too.

Anyone can parent an 'easy' teen (like my DS2). But most of us are here because we're trying to parent more 'challenging' teens (like my DS1). Almost all of us have already got the basics, like asking nicely, being polite, not shouting, setting a routine, etc... hmm We're looking for advice and support with more complex situations.

You've done the equivalent of wagging your finger and talking 'Parenting 101' to your own mother and grandmother. Unless you change your tactic, you'll continue to meet a teeny weeny bit of hostility.

MuchBrighterNow Tue 29-Jan-13 11:16:41

Please OP what's your punishment ? <asks quietly>

TopsyRK Tue 29-Jan-13 11:21:03

You sound like some evangelical bullying religious type.

Sorry ROFLMAO you just made my day, so far from the truth it is funny.

TopsyRK Tue 29-Jan-13 11:24:11

MuchBrightNow...the punishment needs to be whatever your child will be effected by most, be it remove phone, internet, grounding, allowance cut or stopped, just whatever you know will get their attention, every child is different, or even just being nice to tham as that confuses the hell out of them.

All I am saying is never get into a slagging match with them because that IS what they want.

flow4 Tue 29-Jan-13 11:28:19

See Brighter, ladies... You need to do whatever works, you silly women... We never thought of that until Chris came along, did we?

MuchBrighterNow Tue 29-Jan-13 11:33:45


Lancelottie Tue 29-Jan-13 11:37:23

Am loving the idea of punishing the teenagers by <rum roll> being nice to them.

Yup. Must try that one. 'Behave or... it's Mr Nice Guy!'

Lancelottie Tue 29-Jan-13 11:37:51

Oh sod it.
That would be 'drum roll'. Though rum rolls might be nice too.

Hullygully Tue 29-Jan-13 11:38:40





TopsyRK Tue 29-Jan-13 11:39:13

Not nice calling the ladies silly flow4..tut tut

Reading through the older posts time and time again you will come across it ended in a shouting match, or a blazing row, or I got so mad etc etc etc and quite simply all I said was...

... is never get into a slagging match with them because that IS what they want.

It is about remaining calm and thinking with our heads and not emotions, not easy and it does take time, but yes it does work.

MuchBrighterNow Tue 29-Jan-13 11:39:15

Maybe giving them rum rolls would do the trick grin

Lancelottie Tue 29-Jan-13 11:40:11

Anyhoo OP. I have one with autism, one who's angry at something beyond my control, and a slightly deaf one. Here we're more inclined to do:

Remove gadget from ears
Issue one-word command
Then ask nicely, if they are listening.

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