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Kicking DS out. Really

(13 Posts)
Tortington Thu 24-Jan-13 13:50:40

barely a teenager at 19, i have done everything - i guess those who read my posts will know very well i can be quite harsh. But i am also very supportive - ultra supportive

it ranges from - me coming in from work - doing a job search for him, pasting it into a word document titled Jan13 leaving on desktop - for him to contact - OR not the next day

to me saying - right you lazy git - out the house when i am and not back until i get home - you're not staying here all day...and locking him out.

he promptly goes to a freinds - or his older brothers house to get stoned.

The thing is i chucked my oldest son out at 18 as a jobless, lazy weedhead, i didn't want him a bad example - and although he got somewhere to live - he is on his arse financially, and is only just really seeing the light of day. He lives 5 mins away and i don't see him a lot - but we get on when we do. him getting a flat - was a total fluke of circumstance.

my dd (also 19) has never claimed JSA and spent 3 weeks out of work before getting another job. DS hasn't held anything down much since he was 16.

at 16 - i used family connections to get him a mechanics apprenticeship - he was on 16k a year. 16k - a - year. at 16.

he didn't like it!!!!!

he left, much to embarrassment of family member who vouched for him and got him the job where he worked. this cuased huge family rucks and bad feeling.
he worked cleaning - but got sacked.

He desperatley wants to work as an outdoor activity instructor - and I have gotten hma couple of interviws. I gave him money for a 6 hour journey, i kitted him in new trainers, outdoor gear etc to hep him look the part for the job.

part of the weekend was going to a quiz at a pub. ds said he was tired, roommates all snored and he didn't get a wink.

he didn't understand that this was all part of the interview - even though i told him over and over - the whole weekend is the interview - dont let your guard down once, not once. and he was honestly truly gutted when he didn't get it.

so i have been very ill recenly, suspected whooping cough, then chest infection. DH also has had flu - and he doesn't get ill much - so is on his back. we have been like this for a week.

after days in bed, stomach muscles raw from days and days of constant coughing, i got out of bed, i had a shower. major achievement.

whilst we two parents had been ill, he didn't wash a pot, wipe a spoon or clean a side.

at 3am wed morning, i told him to turn his light off - he is addicted to his computer ( yes i have tried that) and i told him i would need to talk with him the next day.

when i eventually crawled out of bed, he was gone - to a friends.

When he came back last night. I told him he is at a place where he can only ever aspire to be like his big brother, with his own place, his own friends ( ds has 1 or 2 on their terms they dont really like ds only last resort friend as DS doesn't put in the effort) managing his own life.

I have told him that he has until 5pm today, to get a job interview
go and get a placement volunteering - not just register - tell them your mother is kicking you - the fuck out - placement.

IF this does not transpire. Tomorrow he will have to go to the housing options and spend the day sorting out his plight.

he will then, have over weekend to hand out CVs (in vain hope) and on Monday before i leave for work. he must leave.

if he re-enters my house without my consent , i will have him arrested.

he is a quiet, unconfident lad, he isn;'t bolshy, he isn't brave.

I have offered him any and all assistance, i will drive him anywhere, i will give him money for printing at the library. i will sit and write out application forms with him.
"anything you need son, anything."

do you think its about time, im just at a loss, he doesn't care about us, himself, his friends, anything.

Tortington Thu 24-Jan-13 18:15:06

well he hasn't come back and he isn't at his brothers. I'm thinking it didn't go well

noddyholder Thu 24-Jan-13 18:22:07

Oh god custy I really feel for you He sounds at a bit of a loss not sure what to do and the weed will really not help it. In fact I have no problem with drugs in some ways but weed in teenage boys is so de motivating They literally do f all. Could you let him stay at home but completely withdraw all privileges. Don;t have him arrested sad and if poss don;t throw him out my mum did this to all 3 of us and it had a huge effect which is still having ramifications now xx

Tortington Thu 24-Jan-13 18:28:51

ive done it noddy, it doesn't motivate him to do anything other than go somewhere that has a computer - and that place usually has weed

or he can stay here - do the same eff all, on a computer and not get stoned - if i leave the computer.

its a lose lose for me.

so i give up. i have given him tonnes of support, tonnes and tonnes. and if he can't see that, more fool him.

noddyholder Thu 24-Jan-13 19:05:14

I think the weed is the issue How much is he smoking? Does he get any benefits or anything? My ds has a couple of mates like this Lovely boys but all over the place with weed and half arsed college/jobs. My ds could go there too very easily. If he doesn't get into uni this year I will be worried too. I don't know what to suggest as there is so little for those who don't want university, Whats does your dh say

noddyholder Thu 24-Jan-13 19:06:45

I would prefer him at home not stoned. Tell him you want the house cleaned and food etc every day plus some evidence of what he has been doing online to try and get his outdoor thing off the ground. What sort of thing is he into?

LynetteScavo Thu 24-Jan-13 19:15:18

If you look at the bigger picture (10/15/20 years form now) will there be a difference if you let him sit around your house doing nothing, or you throw him out? I don't know the answer, I just know my parents were incredibly patient with my brother us, and we eventually turned out OK. partly down to luck and marrying an amazing wife aged 48

flow4 Thu 24-Jan-13 19:32:02

Sorry you're going through this Custardo sad I was at/around that point for about 6 months last year, and I know how miserable and stressful it is.

I think it was probably Maryz who suggested I back off... I don't think I've ever been as hard-line as you anyway, but I was on his back most of the time about college or chores or getting a job... For me, fear that he would turn into some dead-beat stoner made it impossible for me to shut up. sad How-so-ever, I did try to ignore about half of the things I wanted to complain at him about, and one of the things I learned was that backing off gave him the time and space to get bored...

I don't know if I can explain this well, but when I was on his back all the time - leaving him lists of jobs to do while I was at work that he would do, or arranging people for him to call that he didn't bother to contact, or confiscating technology - it sort of occupied him. He has something to do all day - fight and rebel against me. hmm

When I backed off, he had a period (several months tbh) where he did nothing and I went slightly insane ... He just got up at 4pm and wandered over to his mates' houses to get stoned, then wandered back about midnight and made food and played computer games or watched TV until 4am, day after day... But then gradually, he got bored with doing it... He got a real-life flavour of what it would actually be like to be a dosser all his life, and realised for the first time he might not like it.

And when Sept came and term started again, he got off his arse and enrolled in college... smile

OK, so I still had to threaten him to get him back there... I told him if he wanted to be a lazy dosser, that was his choice, but he couldn't live with me - he wanted to do something - anything - if he wanted to stay living at home. But my threats were much more real to him by then, because he knew what it was like to have nothing to do and no-one to make him do it... So he picked the least-worst option...

4 months on, he's actually enjoying his course, and he is infinitely more pleasant to live with, and he is smoking much less. He's still a pain sometimes, but he's re-engaged, and my hope is returning... smile

So if you can bear it, and if you haven't already passed the point where you can't actually stand to have him living at home any more, it might be worth trying to 'back off', and see if the same trick works with your DS...

Tortington Thu 24-Jan-13 21:03:32

noddy, i leave him a daily list of chores - and websites and application forms, i'm tired.

if i don't leave a list he does nothing - cos i haven't left a list.

i really have tried everything

ditto flow

thanks for listening all the same

he's not come home yet anyway

flow4 Thu 24-Jan-13 21:13:08

Yes, I know you have tried everything. That's why we get desperate, I think, because we have, and nothing works.

In the end, I think our choice is very stark: Throw 'em out, or hang on in there.

If you throw him out, none of us will blame you.

If you decide to hang on in there, you need to take the focus off him for a bit, and concentrate on you. Look after yourself, do nice things for yourself, try and get yourself to relax and laugh from time to time.

If he's gonna do his own sweet thang, and nothing you do makes any difference, hmm you might as well spend that energy on someone who'll appreciate it! yourself. smile

noddyholder Thu 24-Jan-13 21:18:54

I agree flow maybe just set a limit in your own head lie after this summer that's it. Some people take longer and he sounds like he feels safe in his litlevworld at hoe withnyounand his computer etc ad he is not sick of it yet but he will. hope he comes back soon because even when arses we worry.

flow4 Thu 24-Jan-13 22:25:31

Spot on, noddy. I think I'm gonna get a T-shirt printed with "Even when arses we worry"! grin

BubbaKush Sun 27-Jan-13 13:01:21

He sounds depressed - weed can make depressed people feel better so that probably explains his usage. Kicking him out would likely make things worse. Ask him if he's feeling down and if so what it is that might be causing it.

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