I found an empty Levonelle (as in morning after pill) packet in my daughters pocket - HELP!

[ladybugged]

As I say above - we have discussed it - a bit. We always discuss stuff & I thought we had a pretty open & honest relationship. Of course she AND her friend denied it was ANYTHING to do with them. They just found it & put the box in their pocket. For fun. ????! I asked again last night & she said they were going to play a trick on me pretending it was for real,then decided against it & of COURSE she would tell me if it was for her. I don't/ can't believe her sadly. My gut tells me different. For a start how did they KNOW it was a morning after pill?!
So now Im going to have to ask again.
She is only 13 but looks older. Has a 13 year old boyfriend. I don't think its him though. She has had LOTS of sleep overs & parties over the holidays.
She had aperiod a few days after the weekend I discovered the evidence,even though it was 3 weeks too early. I feel like I dont know how to get to the truth. I contacted the clinic,one set up for teens in need of confidential contraception & advice. They are not willing to help me in any way.
Anyone else been in this situation? Im a single parent. I AM very trusting,feeling it will encourage personal responsibilty. Now Im not so sure. Im going crazy inside. So,so upset. There are SO many implications here. Trust being shattered,her innate ability to lie - ALREADY! Was she in a safe situation? Was she raped or something? Please help if you can. THANKS in advance!

[ladybugged]

Also she is not practising safe sex. Although I don't want her to be having ANY sex at this age. Should she be checked for STD'S? The mind boggles.......

[ladybugged]

Is there anywahere I can go for further advice with this issue?

[VivaLeBeaver]

Talk to your dd again. Tell her you don't think that you believe her. Stay calm and tell her its ok and you're not going to lecture her or get mad but you want to make sure she's not in this position again.

Personally I'd get her on the depo injection incase of condom failure and also talk about needing condoms to prevent STDs. Then I'd buy/get her a load of condoms.

Ideally she wouldn't do it again but chances are she will. I meet a lot of pregnant 13 and 14 yos.

[SoggySummer]

I am sorry I have no advice but couldnt ignore.

As a mum of a 14yo DD I would be gutted. I know its normal for teens to not tell their parents everything etc etc and I know I lied as a teen but that does not stop it hurting when yours start being skimpy with the truth and the reality of what they are upto slaps you in the face.

I think I would be inclined to sit her down and have another chat. Say what you want to say despite her denials.

Hopefully someone more experienced with teens and this type of thing will be along to offer you some useful advice soon.

[LadyStark]

You could try calling Brook, FPA or Marie Stopes, someone might be more helpful.

It's a really tricky one to handle, do you think she'd respond to getting a take away and sitting her down and having a further chat? Perhaps also discussing longer term contraception (and encouraging condom use too). Would the threat of talking to boyfriends parents encourage her to disclose more about it?

Does she use Facebook? Can you check it and/or her phone?

[Sleepysand]

Just a thought, but you could talk to her school welfare officer - in my school she is fantastic and can at least be made aware of your concerns.

I'm prepared to bet that most 13 yo girls know about the morning after pill as it is probably covered in sex ed (I am trying to recall what year we do it in) but equally you are probably going to have to adopt a different parenting style - speak softly and carry a big stick.

Don't do it today. Wait til the weekend when you have time and space. Tell her what you are thinking and avoid all the "you make me feel..." (in general "I" statements are better than "you" statements). Make it very clear that you are concerned for her safety, not that you want to tell her off - and don't get angry.

And good luck.

[Mrcrumpswife]

Calm down for starters and when you are calm just talk to her. You cant control what has happened (if it has) all you can do is make sure your DD knows that she can trust you if she needs you at any point. If she has a MAP then she isnt totally naive to consequence.

My 2 oldest DDs were little socialites and i believed their innocent doe eyed pleas of not guilty though their teenage years. Now that they are both in their 20's they tell me what they were really up to There was nothing i could have done to stop them other than lock them up.

Maintaining a good relationship is the number one priority because the sad truth is that most children do what they want behind your back anyway when they hit the teen years and those parents that think they are 100% in control are living in a happy oblivious bubble like i was.

[iamwhaticallpregnant]

number 1
The important thing here is to make sure you get across the message that she is ABLE to tell you anything she wants to and you will not freak out or be angry or upset at all.
number 2
You need to explain that regardless of whether it is hers or not - the implications of not using protection are not just being pregnant and you also need to congratulate her on being brave enough to go to the clinic or doctors and sorting herself out at the age she is - even though it is not all of the problem. She could have done what many teenagers do and left it and you could then have a baby on your hands.
number 3
You perhaps need to accept that she is sexually active - however horrifying that is - and if you accept it then you need to proactively take steps to help her not become pregnant or contract any diseases as well as help her mentally cope in case she is doing anything she doesnt want to do.

As long as you have an atmosphere of acceptance and openness and a non judgemental air you will encourage her to tell you the truth in the future.

When i was young I had sex and went through a lot - including an abortion - that i never told my mum about because I was SURE she would kill me. Now she is so upset that I ever felt that and couldnt tell her.

[Cantbelieveitsnotbutter]

One point to get her to be more cautious. The more you use the morning after pill gets less affective the more you take it. So maybe a chat about proper long term contraception by broaching that.
Good luck!
Maybe a 'moving on, obviously your curious' conversation, so even though you don't believe her let her think you do. If that makes sense, so she doesn't have to admit she lied and your right

[Sleepysand]

I do sympathize, op. When DS2 was 13 I found a (used) condom by his bed. We talked about it and got on brilliantly, and we are closer than ever, but a little bit of me died that day. Your situation is worse - she is unsafe and has probably actively lied - but I have an inkling.

I was a head of y9 for a while, btw, and I would say a quarter of the girls are sexually active. Very few wait til 16.

[WaynettaSlobsLover]

The other posters have given great advice, what I would say is to limit the parties and sleepovers she has. I know what I was getting up to at parties and sleepovers at that age and older. You are responsible for giving her boundaries and being open and easy with her is great, but not to the point where she takes the mick and lies to you. It's about respect IMO. I wish my parents had protected me more and not let me let my hair down all the time throughout my teens because you start not to care, and I've been in some scary situations. Don't want to sound harsh but it's important you do have some control over what she does and where she goes.

[MooMooSkit]

I'm not sure if I read it right but is she allowed boys to sleep over? If so, could that not be stopped? I was allowed boyfriends but I was not alllowed to stay over at theirs and vice versa and our parents were always in touch and this was the days before mobile phones as well. If she goes places is it not possible to stay in contact?

I would also take her to a clinic as if she has the MAP that spells to me she hasn't used protection so she's at risk of stis, plus I would want to rule out pregnancy if it was my daughter anyway as you can't be 100% she has taken it correctly. I feel for you as I know I'd be gutted if it was my child.

Hope you get it sorted!

[Sleepysand]

I think banning boy sleepovers is an idea, but if she wants to she will - sex can happen in daylight!

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

:( 13

I would work on the 'better safe than sorry' and take her to a clinic, get her tested for STD's and pregnancy then lock her up for 20 years. If/when she complains I would say that I don't believe her story, I am very worried about her health and that she is still a child & in your care.

It probably wont do your relationship a whole lot of good short term, but it may save her life or at least her reproductive system. Get them to explain this to her rather graphically.

Then we would be having some very serious conversations about sex, sexually transmitted diseases and relationships.

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

Obviously I was joking about locking her up for 20 years!

[ladybugged]

Thank you all so much for the excellent advice. I actually got to speak to my daughter the same evening. It was all very calm, but I was strong & she respected my authourity. I also spoke to the doctor at the clinic who stated that they often give the MA pil as a precaution,particularly to the younger girls.
My daughters story is that they didnt have sex & she is still a virgin but he got "excited" and being in the vicinity of the result of that made her go to the clinic for advice. It was here she was advised to take the pill. S
She claims she was going to tell me that night anyway & said she was really sorry & had learned something from this experience.
Although we never ever have boys over night at ours I have for the time being banned all outside sleep overs,particularly after parties. All parties are off limits too. Temporarily. In a bid to get her to think about her actions. Probabaly wont work!
It was all very calm & easy. We are going to do something together at the weekend - most unusual of late. In a funny way it has bought us closer. She knows I love & she can tell me anything & I appreciated how difficult it is to hold onto a secret that you know is wrong.
Im pleased that she had the savvy to go to the clinic herself. I did say the MA pill is no answer to unsafe sex. I obviously dont want her to be sexually active yet & she did say neither did she.
So all in all, it could have been worse & things are ok,for now! Its opened my eyes & made me much more likely to keep an eagle eye on her!
We have had many talks about sex/drugs/boys/booze/attitudes/bullying/sexting/etc,believe me!
As for the time of day - it was in the day! At the boys home,his parents out. Some things you just cant control,so a sfae place,love & support/advice are essential & probably the best you can do. Aside from locking up of course!
Again,thanks a million lovely ladies.

[Mrcrumpswife]

Thats great news, half the battle with teenagers is getting them to talk.

It gets a lot worse when they hit 15

[MummyPig24]

Sounds like you did exactly the right thing, your relationship will be stronger for it.

My dad found the map packet in my pocket when I was 17. My mum had died two years previously so I didn't have anyone to talk to, I ended up having a son at 19 and I think I ended up in that situation because I had no one to trust and talk to.

[suburbophobe]

Im a single parent. I AM very trusting,feeling it will encourage personal responsibilty.

That is great and I commend you.

However, at 13, no girl (or boy) can be asked to define her (his) own boundaries. She needs you to do this. Sometimes it means tightening in the reins...

And at 13 you still DO have the reins in hand.

I'm a LP myself, been through the teenage terror years.

You WILL come out o.k.! Both of you. But go for it now cos within 3 years you will have lost the battle....

just keep the communication open