Some of you know the history of my relationship with my DD1, aged 16. Given the marvellous support I've received here for the last three years, here's the latest.
She moved out 3 1/2 weeks ago into emergency council housing. She asked me to help her move from her emergency digs into a hostel early this week and to sign as guarantor for her.
There was a mix-up over the time and I was too early. She went mad at me on my mobile and refused to try and make the best of things. Told me the whole thing was f**ed.
I warned her she better talk to me as if I were someone she wanted help from and she said it doesn't matter, her dad would sign as guarantor for her. I put the phone down on her and went home. I haven't heard from her since.
Her dad, who we spent all our savings in court defending her from, who was banned from all contact because of his pornographic businesses and his failure to keep them separate from his relationship with her.
I don't know where she is or whether she has accepted help from him or not. All the friends who know her and me have told me not to capitulate and that I should have been tougher with her long ago. I know she will contact me sooner or later to come and collect the rest of her things.
I'm keeping very busy and keeping my head above water most of the time. But at night when I lie in bed and it's dark, I wonder where she is and if she is safe. The words 'bad mother' go round and round in my head. I'm heartbroken and I'm just waiting for it to mend.
Thank you to all who've walked this journey with me both in person and on this site. x
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Teenagers
She's gone - and I don't know where she is.
anorak · 20/04/2006 19:10
oh anorak
i don't know what to say.can you contact her dad and ask if he's seen her/heard from her?
you are NOT a bad mother, but i dont know what to suggest nor can i imagine what you must be going through
can you contact her father? would he be of ny help?
must be very hard but it sounds like your friends are right
she has your number, she knows where you are
Yes, desperatescousewife, you remember correctly.
It does sound like you know where I'm standing. Thanks.
I only hope her dad will be good to her and not lull her into his world
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Thank you all for your lovely messages. They really do help.
I really really do know that I am a good mother, well I do the best I can, it's just that sometimes I can't feel it. Often it feels as if I have managed to pull off a massive scam, by representing myself to all of you and making myself sound like one. But my own daughter doesn't think I am, so what is it all worth in the end?
I think DD is a confused and angry teen with a lot of unresolved issues inside. I think she manages by blaming most of it on me and DH - we are the safe place to dump on. Everyone needs a safe place to dump on. I do it to DH. But she has done it constantly for three years now and I am worn out. I need her to learn that this kind of safe place is staffed by people and that you have to appreciate the privilege.
They tell me it is common for teenagers to have absolutely no conception of the feelings of others. I must admit I do struggle with this because neither DH nor I can ever remember being so blase with other peoples' pain. We'd have had it knocked out of us immediately. Since we all know this is the wrong approach, I've never known how to get her to see reason. I've talked my head off but it all seemed to go in one ear and out the other.
I can't control her behaviour, I can only control my response. And after three years my response is now to withdraw my support. Foxinsocks and Desperatescousewife seemed to sum it up - it just feels all wrong not to rush to help her. But I know it's the right thing to do. I think.
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