Do any of your kids live with their dads?

[gabyjane]

Because i dont think i can do this anymore.

I am so so upset and fed up at the moment and dont know what to do. I have loads of support in terms of my partner, my friends and family who all know what dd is like but i hold my hands up and admit i just cant cope with her.

My partner and her dont get on, never really have tbh and its so so tough being stuck in the middle living 2 lives one with her and one with him. She is so rude and abusive and lazy and makes a point of now doing so infront of the children i look after which is taking its toll on my job (childminder). Tonight because i picked her up a whole 4 minutes early she got in the cra infront of the children and told me i was 'an utter bitch' i tried not to answer as didnt want the children to hear. By ignoring her for what i thought was the best thing to do she said 'eugh i could just hit you your such a f'ing bitch' I was mortified and am worried sick the children heard and ill lose my job as this isnt the first time.

She moved in with her step dad a while back as things had got to boiling point and life was very calm one she had gone. I was upset as felt ide failed as a mother but knowing she was happy meant more and although ide love it if she just changed back to my lovely daughter i cant see it happening. My ex you see doesnt mind mess and is obviously a lot more chilled than me. He's in the police however doesnt really have any boundaries which suprises me but they get on fine and i wonder if its me being a 'control freak' as she tells me. he lest her do the washing up 'if she likes' which means she doesnt..he takes her out even if shes played up as he 'doesnt want to be the bad guy' as hes told me or 'ruin his evening' The thing is i do EXACTLY the same as he does to prove a point but she hates me for leaving her dad and has not let me forget it for 2.5 years now and im at breaking point.

Life is so tough and getting harder. I am not sure why my partner puts up with her tbh and every day i wait for him to tell me hes had enough and am constantly on edge not knowing if ill be on my own as she steals from him and is downright rude and he never says a word. If we split up life wouldnt improve though with dd as its not him thats the problem its her age but i cant deal with it.

[flow4]

It sounds like you're having a tough time at the moment, gaby. :(
Only you and your DD can decide what's best. But if living with her dad/step-dad is an option, then I'd say you should consider it.

Whatever you do, you really need to tackle her aggressive behaviour in front of younger children. I had not realised that you are a child minder, and it does put a different perspective on things. You have a duty of care towards the children you look after and a duty to protect and promote their safety and well-being (I'm sure you know that). The behaviour you describe from your DD would be cause for concern for you, the parents of the children you look after and/or OFSTED. Her behaviour might cause you to be in breach of the safeguarding and welfare requirements of the EYFS statutory framework (see section 3); and if she is over 16 (I have forgotten, sorry) there might be a question about whether she is a 'suitable person'. :(

To be honest, I think you only have two choices, as far as your childminding responsibilities go:

• either you keep your DD entirely away from the children you look after;
  
• or you act very clearly and firmly to challenge and prevent any dangerous or abusive behaviour your DD displays in front of them, to make absolutely certain you are safeguarding the younger ones - e.g. calling the police to have her removed if she behaves dangerously or abusively.
  

If it were me, I would be very reluctant to use the police, so I would opt to keep my DC entirely away from the other children. I think you need to be very clear in your head that you cannot allow your DD to behave like that in front of the children you look after, and then you need to tell her this, and then follow through by taking action if she ever does.

You are in a difficult position gaby. I do feel for you.

[gabyjane]

Thanks. Just to clarify she isnt abusive in terms of physically and has sworn twice now which im sure goes on in many houses but i have put a stop to it. She goes to her dads as of monday until after i have finished work as have told her my job is exactly that and the care of the children are paramount.
It is hard yet today she has been lovely one minute and not the next so?!
Thanks

[CarolingFanjoChops]

Hello Gaby, have you tried talking to your daughter about everything that has happened? What was your relationship like before the split? I was badly affected when my parents seperated, I desperately wanted for them to get back together for the normality and boundaries they both set for me. I took it out on myself and others, one day my mum sat me down and really explained everything, I was young but I she felt I had to know so that we could move on. For me it was important to have boundaries in place to respect and make time for one another and eat dinner round the table. I think you are the best

[CarolingFanjoChops]

person for her to stay with as you have routine and the other children may help to calm her down but she has to know that her behaviour isn't acceptable, would she agree to counselling? I hope she you see an improvement with her soon. If you are able to come up with universal boundaries that apply at both house holds for her that would be good for her too.