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My DD was raped & she's only just told me.

(20 Posts)
namealreadytaken Fri 04-Jan-13 13:12:02

I'm in a total state shock and turmoil, my 17yr old DD told me yesterday that she was raped at 13yrs old by a 16 yr old boy that she vaguely knew. DD wasn't even aware it was rape, she said she was so frightened and scared at the time by him that she gave in and let him have sex to get away from him.

The night it happened she was out with friends and met up with others, people drifted off and came & went until it ended up just her and this boy, she said he started grabbing at her, trying to pull her trousers down, was hitting her, threatening her, banging her head on the floor so she gave in through fear and let him have sex with her.

After this happened she ran off and bumped into a group of drunken girls she vaguely knew, she told the one she knew most what had happened to her and the girl immediately told all the others, these girls then beat my daughter up as they knew the boy concerned and didn't beleive he had done this.

My daughter was left crying and distraught and rescued by a lovely couple in a car who drove her home but for whatever reason she chose not to tell me what happened. I remember seeing DD get out of a car that night and I remember going on and on at her about it, asking her who it was etc.

Since this happened to DD she has put our family through hell with drinking, violence towards us, running away from home, being arrested, stealing from us, truanting, overdoses and on and on.

We had our home repossessed because Social Services wouldn't help us but made it clear our youngest 2 children where at risk of being investigated/assessed/placed at risk because they were living in a home with such turmoil & violence so i moved out with them to a privately rented house but we couldn't afford to keep up with a mortgage/rent & bills on 2 homes.

DD is currently living in supported accommodation & me & the little ones are living back with DH.

I just don't know what to do, she wants me to do nothing, she's been living with this for 4 years and learned to cope in her own way but I am so distressed for her. I keep thinking & thinking about it, about not being there for her, about how frightened she must have been, about why she couldn't tell me, my poor poor DD must have been terrified.

I don't know what to do, I just don't know how to help her.

I don't have experience of this, but just wanted to make sure your post got answered.

Reread your thread - has she really found a coping mechanism? Sounds to me like she is on a path to self destruction. And the damage to your family unit is palpable.

At least start looking for some kind of rape counseling, but she really needs to deal with this.

This man could have attacked any number of girls by now, and keep getting away with it because of the fear instilled in his victims.

Most of all I think you just have to be there for her and shower her with love and support.

I hope she finds some peace, poor thing.

namealreadytaken Fri 04-Jan-13 13:22:02

Oh god of course you're right she's not coping at all she's destroying her lifesad

spamm Fri 04-Jan-13 13:28:44

I do not have experience either - I am sure somebody who does will come along and give you advice on how to get her the help she needs.

But I just wanted to say that it does not sound like you have not been there for her. To the contrary, it sounds like you have been a mom - you have never given up on her, you have done everything your were able to and she trusts you enough to tell you now. OK - you have been through hell and that sounds terrible for all of you, but do not beat yourself up - you have been a parent and done your best. So many children do not get that.

ecuse Fri 04-Jan-13 13:33:29

Your poor daughter and your poor family. Whether or not she decides she wants to report it, could you and she get in touch with Rape Crisis as a first port of call? It sounds very much as though she's not over it and would benefit from expert support.

AuntieMaggie Fri 04-Jan-13 13:35:33

I think the important thing is to make sure she knows you believe her and its not her fault. I also think she needs professional help and support to deal with this... I don't have any experience but I'm sure someone will be along soon who can be specific about where to get the help and support she obviously needs.

She is only 17... she can turn this around.

giraffesCantGoFirstFooting Fri 04-Jan-13 13:35:48

Oh how. Awful for you and her.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Fri 04-Jan-13 13:36:32

God that is so awful. Your poor DD. Has she told you why she felt she couldn't tell you at the time?

Has she tried CBT?

ClementineKelandra Fri 04-Jan-13 13:37:02

Oh my love I'm sorry sad

She may have been destroying her life but she has taken a huge step in telling you. This can be the beginning of things improving. Nobody could truly help her before because nobody really knew the real problem. Now you know you can help.

Start by asking her what she wants? Maybe contact rape crisis and talk to them. They will be able to give you lots of advice.

birdsnotbees Fri 04-Jan-13 13:42:51

She hasn't found a way of coping with it, she's told you & you now need to get her help- urgently. As someone else has already said, she can turn her life around but she needs professional help to do so. Good luck x

CheeryCherry Fri 04-Jan-13 13:55:06

You poor things, but its finally a positive step that she's told you everything. Please encourage her to speak to Rape Crisis, they have such expertise, and will be able to offer support and advice. Or you can ring them for a start, they may help you help her. How awful for you all. sad

namealreadytaken Fri 04-Jan-13 14:13:29

Thank you all for your replies, I feel a little less panicky having shared this as I have nobody I can talk to about it right now.

The reason she told me is because she has just started counseling which has been organized by her support worker, I asked how it was going and she said rubbish - its because she's scared to talk to her incase this comes out and she makes her tell the police.

No one can make her tell the police and everything she says should be confidential - was that not made clear to her?

namealreadytaken Fri 04-Jan-13 14:47:07

Sorry I have to type when DH isnt around as he's struggling to even talk to me about it and wouldn't be happy that im posting about it on the internet.

The problem is the counsellor has said some things cant be kept confidential ( I think this is usually child abuse related issues) so DD doesn't want to take the risk. Im not even sure myself, can they make her report it or report it for her because of how old she was?

I dont think DD is comfortable with the counsellor full stop & I think its affected how she feels about counselling in general.

I just want to help her but she doesn't want to talk about it as its too distressing, I feel so helpless.

Although DD has asked me not to I'm going to speak to her support worker about it on Monday. I will also phone Rape Crisis but its difficult to get privacy to do this due to DCs, DH, work etc

Feeling calmer now so thank you

WhatALark Fri 04-Jan-13 15:05:10

Your poor daughter. sad

Don't feel bad about her not feeling able to tell you at the time. There could be a million reasons for this. It's such a horrific experience that it's so very difficult to tell anyone. I was raped as a teenager, and still haven't told my mum. I'm 30 now. This doesn't reflect on her. My mum's a wonderfully supportive woman, but I knew she and dad would be secretly really, really upset if I told them, and I wanted to protect them from that hurt. Plus, by telling anyone about it, I would have made it 'real' and had to confront it.

It does sound like she hasn't been coping, but that she's now beginning to face it. Good luck to you both, and to the rest of your family. Xx.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Fri 04-Jan-13 16:28:58

Oh your poor daughter xxx
As others have said she's clearly not been coping. She's so young she can turn it around. Councillors can't make her report it, there's ALOT of women and men who don't report it but do have councilling and learn to live with it. Speak to rape crisis and get her some help.
I totally understand why she wouldn't want to report it after her treatment. Reporting it is not the key to getting her better, that's a side issue which shouldn't be pushed unless she raises it.

flow4 Sat 05-Jan-13 12:06:04

Oh namealreadytaken, I am sorry your DD went through this, and sorry it has had such a terrible impact on you all.

Your DD does not have to report the rape and attack if she does not want to. It is entirely her decision. Rape counsellors know that the worst thing about being raped is often that it makes you feel out of control. It is important for a woman who has been raped to feel she can get back control over her own life, so a rape counsellor would never pressure someone to do something they did not want to do.

The thing to understand about confidentiality is this: confidentiality is important, but child protection is more important. But it is about keeping children and your daughter safe now and in the future. The counsellor will keep what your daughter says confidential, unless she reveals something that makes the counsellor think someone - particularly a child - is not safe now, or might not be safe if she does not act.

So if your DD revealed that someone in your family was currently being abused, then the counsellor should and would tell Social Services or the police... But if/when your DD talks about the rape that happened to her 4 years ago, the counsellor does not have to do anything about it, because the danger is passed.

Your daughter may have misunderstood what the counsellor said about confidentiality - she might have explained it badly or your DD might not have taken it in - it is much harder to listen when you're upset and worried. If you can talk to your DD's support worker, tell her that your DD is worried what she says might not be confidential, or that she may be pressured into reporting it... Her support worker should be able to reassure her.

If your DD does not trust she is safe to talk, she might prefer to talk to a phone counsellor to start with - she can do that without even giving her name at first. (She can also do this as well as seeing a face-to-face counsellor: there's no rule that says she can only get support in one way). She can phone Rape Crisis - their number is 0808 802 9999 (they're open 12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm) - and talk to someone confidentially.

The Rape Crisis website has lots of useful information, and it will reassure her that her feelings are normal. Here is a link to their counselling page.

You can also call them and talk to a counsellor yourself, as her mother, if you want. Your DD needs the most support, but you may need support too.

Hope that helps. Do come back here if you have questions or just need a bit of support... We'll try to help.

flow4 Sat 05-Jan-13 12:13:20

Another thing that might be useful for your DD to understand about confidentiality... She does not need to worry about the counsellor sneaking off and talking to someone/reporting anything behind her back... Even if the counsellor did have concerns that she thought should be reported now, she should discuss these with your DD first. She would say something like "I know you don't want me to tell anyone, but I have to, because what you have said makes me think you (or another child) are not safe now"...

But honestly, from what you have said, it does not sound like this would happen. It sounds like you have already taken lots of steps to make sure she is safe, and social services have already been involved, so don't need to be alerted anyway...

Oh OP, I do feel for you.

giraffesCantGoFirstFooting Sun 06-Jan-13 03:08:51

op - dd can talk to childline if she likes, also have msn type online service if that is easier?

JuliaScurr Sun 06-Jan-13 18:54:34

call Rape Crisis. This kind of fallout is not unusual.
So sorry this happened to your lovely dd. We know she's lovely, all teenage girls are, even when life hands them stuff they can't cope with so they act it out.
With all good wishes for the future strength and healing for you all

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