What would you have done tonight..

[gabyjane]

So we have had massive issues with dd as some of my other posts will reflect but decided enough was enough and a change had to be made.

We have had lots of issues with dd over the last few months and things have got a little out of hand so we decided we would let dd out to do her own thing as such, seeing as its the holidays its been 9-5 or 10-6..6 at the latest as its dark. She has been doing this and ive found it quite hard trusting her not knowing who shes with as she ignores my texts but have bitten my tongue and let it go.

This morning she was at my ex's he has her 2 days per week. no idea what time she went out but i text her this morning asking her what she was doing, no reply.She was told to be back at 5pm and to have a nice day.

4.50pm comes and i get a text saying shes staying at a friends for tea. lets just say this fried is the worst one she has and is not good news. I told her i wanted her back as was waiting to go out but all i got back was 'i cant im staying here'she also lives a way away which means her walking home down lanes in the dark.

So i called my friend whos best friend is a councillor for some advice. She suggested leaving her to it and even offering to go and collect her (ive been up since 5am working this morning so the idea wasn't great to me but hey ill try it. However she did say just clarify it with the mum first. i called the mum who knew nothing about it and said she had got into a houseful of teenagers and wasnt impressed. I said i would be up as soon as ide finished work and went and got dd.

So what would you have done. Left her there or done what i did? I have told her she can go out tomorrow but has to be back earlier. My partner was very cross saying he thinks she should be grounded for the day but know that will only start fireworks again.

[Numberlock]

How old is she?

[flow4]

Yup, I'd've got her. It doesn't matter what she wants in this situation: if another parent has your DC in their house and isn't happy, you get them out. Imagine if it had been the other way round and you had come home to a house full of teens, and wanted rid of them, and spoke to a parent, who then decided not to collect their DC but just 'leave them to it'... You'd be furious, wouldn't you? (I would!) There is absolutely no way a responsible parent can ignore the wishes of another parent about the use/misuse/occupation of their own home!

[gabyjane]

She's 14. Thanks yes thats the way i looked at it tbh.

[insancerre]

I think you did the right thing.
But why is your partner furious at her? what has she done to warrant being grounded?
I do think 5pm is very early to be in for.
How would she have got home if you hadn't gone and got her?

[gabyjane]

Thanks. My partner and her dont get on, life is very tough for me in the middle but we get on with it leading 2 seperate lives. He was cross as she 'told' me didnt ask me if she could stay for tea not tomention she was lying anyway. 5pm was due to her not coming home on time a few nights earlier normally it's 6 but then when i let her out till 6 she accuses me of kicking her out?! If she had 'asked' me if she could stay for tea i would have said yes and gone and got her..this is why i was cross..as far as how would she have got home otherwise..she would have prob walked thats why im cross as its a long way in the dark.

[mrscog]

I would have done what you did.

On the walking home in the dark thing, is she aware just how invisible pedestrians are at night to drivers. I remember being very blasé and naïve about this all through my teens until I started driving and then one night I nearly ran someone over who was walking along a country road with no pavement in the dark in dark clothes - I didn't see him until I was 2m away, and it scared the life out of me - when you're the one walking along and your eyes adjust you just don't realise how invisible you are. I'm wondering if there's anything you can do to bring this message home to her.... not sure I'd have listened at 14 though so good luck!

[gabyjane]

Thanks. I think the point of the evening was:

She 'told' me she wasnt coming home she didnt 'ask'
The house isnt near us so yes how would she have got home if i couldnt have got her
And she lied about being invited for tea.

[amumthatcares]

I think purely for the fact she lied about staying for tea was more than good enough reason to go and fetch her and as flow says, the mother was not happy they were there so you wouldn't leave her there anyway.

I'm guessing her curfew was 5pm (or normally 6pm) wherever she was, but I do think this seems quite early for a 14 year old. Agreed, if you had known she would have this long walk home in the dark it would be a concern but if she were more local and could get home safely?