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MaryZ's support thread for parents of troubled teenagers - Part 2 here's to a peaceful 2013

(811 Posts)
Maryz Tue 01-Jan-13 15:57:49

This is a continuation of this thread which I set up as a safe space for struggling parents of challenging teenagers.

This is meant to be a welcoming thread, where everyone can come and moan, whinge, bash ideas off each other and support each other as we face a new year and new challenges

Newbies in particular - come and join in. When ds1 started going off the rails I felt very lonely as there was no-one in real life I could talk to. Being able to be open and honest on here has helped me cope over the last few years.

Many of us have extremely challenging teenagers, some are involved in alcohol and drugs, some are violent, some are struggling with depression, anxiety and various SN. This thread isn't here to judge people and tell them how to parent or to simplify and minimise their difficulties.

So if you think we should simply tell them to come home and night, and take their phones away if they don't, you are probably in the wrong place. Also if you think a few joints or a couple of pills are harmless, go and start a thread about it somewhere else.

The mantra of this thread is - don't look back, guilt is a wasted emotion. You are where you are now, carry on from here. You may not be able to change them, but you can change how you react to their behaviour, so pick your battles, take a step back and try not be too emotionally involved, and FFS, be nice to yourself.

So here goes: here's to a calm, peaceful and positive 2013.

Triathlonwannabe Sun 11-Jan-15 22:37:00

Please don't delete this tread, Mumsnet, it is a place I rely on for support and advice.
Maryz, is there another, new thread somewhere else?

foxy6 Tue 08-Oct-13 14:22:14

ahhhhh I know this thread doesn't get much traffic anymore I just need to vent a bit. we have just been to see a psychologist after asking the Dr for referral due to rd behaviour. I believe he has Adhd and have done for a long time and basically because he is not on school anymore due to me taking him out in an attempt to improve his behaviour they can not do an assessment for Adhd. the fact that I have spent 14 yrs dealing with him and his behaviour means nothing. aparently if he had Adhd he would of been assessed at some point in school. I told her what a waste of time his primary school was and secondary school didn't matter. I'm at my wits end all I wanted some some help and support with him and all she was interested in was his education not his behaviour.
why is it that teenagers who are having trouble dealing with things and chose to self harm seen as more important than those that chose to deal with it by taking drugs and drink? both are destructive and harmful.
thanks anyway

foxy6 Sun 06-Oct-13 17:31:49

oh well dh has just taken ds down to police station. it appeared he Stoll Fags from one of the local shops. That along with coming home drunk last night he is in lots of trouble.

loopyloo123 Thu 03-Oct-13 15:04:49

thanks I have.

Travelledtheworld Wed 02-Oct-13 14:29:08

First step I would advise is talk to the school. I bet they have experience of this type of refusing. They will have someone who can give him a pep talk. I think you are right and he is playing you along. Time to get tough.

You might want to start a new discussion thread under Teenagers, to get some more responses.

loopyloo123 Wed 02-Oct-13 10:24:44

I've been following this thread for a long time. My 14 year old missed such a lot of school at his local school last year, and the year before (when it all started). In the end he asked if we could move him to a private college. He blamed the school for all his problems. We decided he needed a fresh start. All went well for two weeks. We started to breathe again. But we're into week 4 of the new term now, at the new school which he likes and seems to be doing well at - and this is his third day off already. Once I gave him the benefit of the doubt - 'illness'. The second time it was because he'd had a bad night and was in a foul mood and late in the morning. Today he simply couldn't get up out of bed and refused to go in late, better not at all, is his theory. So we are back to square one. We feel completely let down and hurt. He got what he wanted! He is just playing us, I feel. He is loving and affectionate, but can suddenly switch and become aggressive and foul. He refuses to discuss any of this with us. He refuses help from outside. I am at a loss now. This is his GCSE year and I'm watching him ruin it - and can't understand why. He knows how important it is to get good grades for a good sixth form. He has ambitions but can't be bothered to get up in the morning. And doesn't see how that is going to affect his ambitions. I don't know whether to come clean with the school or not. His last academy didn't offer much help other than threaten us with a council fine. This private school may not bother so much as long as they get their fees. So do we just sit around letting him do as he pleases? Go when he likes? The more work he misses the more he will fall behind, and then he definitely won't want to go in anymore. He'll get poor grades and will be forced to go to a crap sixth form. In one way I feel, well, ruin your life then, we have tried everything. Now it's up to you. On the other hand, can I really stand back and let that happen? Then again, how am I going to stop it?

Travelledtheworld Mon 16-Sep-13 11:57:27

Bumping this thread.
Maryz perhaps it is time to star a new thread ?

foxy6 Sat 14-Sep-13 21:04:45

hi social services called yesterday and wanted to arrange a meeting for filling in an assessment and are going to see what they can do to help grin

foxy6 Mon 09-Sep-13 17:00:30

hi all had a meeting with social services told them all about ds she took lots of notes and will send a report to her supervisor and they will decide if they will take him advantage case so shall wait and see we are also still waiting for a camhs appointment. the lady was very nice and said that we are doing well and have taken lots or pro active steps with ds. it was nice to hear as I just feel like everything we do is wrong. sad sad
ds has had a bad weekend with stealing ten pound and buying weed running out when grounded and came home 1.30 Saturday am then run out again Saturday night and didn't come home until we went out to find him Sunday at 10 . we have had lots of tears and promises of improvement, so we will see . on the plus side he did some painting for a friends Dad and earned back the ten pound he Stoll. he has made this new friend over hols and seems to like his dad as he told him about the trouble he was in for stealing and he talked to him about a few things and he is the only parent who phones to make sure ds is allowed to sleep over with his ds, all the other parents just assume it's ok while I wait up until 4.30 waiting for him to come home.

Maryz Sun 08-Sep-13 22:24:38

You didn't go wrong. She did <lesson number one>

You need a list. A bottom line of what is definitely not ok. And a mid-list of "things to be worked on" - but don't give her that yet, work on the definites first.

And, on this thread we don't allow guilt or regrets. You are where you are now, you deal with it and move forward. Blame is a waste of time and emotional energy (and God knows we don't have much of that to waste hmm).

totallydone Sun 08-Sep-13 22:18:54

Thanks Maryz-it's nice to know l am not alone (unfortunatly)

The room l could cope with but the lying drinking stealing (l think) and basic sense of entitlement is killing me. Where did l go wrong? I managed fine with DD1 and DS but now even their relationship with her is strained.
I am the product of a very strict, not brilliantly happy childhood and l promised myself my kids would have better... but did l create a monster in her.
Today l got up at 6.15 to take her to work, l started on her room and you would not believe some of the things l found there. I feel ill and tearful-l have done my best with reasoning and bargaining. I am scared to take her iphone off her as at least l can contact her. She has the mentality of a 14 year ol with a massive sense of entitlement. She does nothing to help in the house at all.
So yes you are right. It stops here. No more monthly allowance no more cooking washing lifts etc, if she leaves things lying about they will go in the bin ( l did this to DS many years ago with a pair of jeans -it worked, cleanest tidiest room in the house therafter).
I am not holding out much hope but l have to do something sad

Maryz Sun 08-Sep-13 21:56:45

Hi, totally.

I understand the "broken" feeling. I've been broken for years, but amazingly I have survived. I suspect because I have had no choice.

I'll see if I can find your relationships thread.

totallydone Sun 08-Sep-13 21:51:30

Hi there
I was directed to this thread when l posted in relationships.
My DD at 18 has finally broken me, l am going to read both threads and try and get some advice but to be honest l now just want her gone.

teapot5 Thu 05-Sep-13 23:09:06

Thanks, Maryz. I've got to work tomorrow, getting up really early (shift work sad

But I will come back. Yes, detach, detach, detach. I think we are becoming an expert smile

Maryz Thu 05-Sep-13 22:53:17

I'm in the same boat teapot. Ds is 19 too, and should really go, but I have no idea how he would survive. It's all very well saying "move out" but in ds's case that would mean a squat with druggies.

Ill be here tomorrow to chat. Be nice to yourself and detach, detach, detach.

<speaks sternly to self>

teapot5 Thu 05-Sep-13 22:24:21

sorry to jump in. I haven't been here for ages, and haven't read anything. I'm just so upset and feeling as if I'm having a stroke at any minute. Cut the story short, basically our family life has been hell because of DD1 (now 19)! Yes, there were many many reasons why she is the way she is, and I sort of accepted the fact (not approving her behaviour or anything but to recognise that we have a problem), but her keep trashing the house, mood swings (extreme). I've been trying to hang in there and keep hope, but probably time to really think about kicking her out.

foxy6 Thu 05-Sep-13 19:12:27

it's partly my fault I gave him bank card to get out ten and get some bread for lunch I haven't been well and not up to walking to shops but he took out twenty instead.
they have just come back getting half way to the police station for him to own up to taking it as he kept saying he hadn't.
the sad part is I want to be able to trust him I keep giving him lots of chances to prove we can trust him and he just messes it up ever time.

Maryz Thu 05-Sep-13 19:00:21

I haven't been on here for a while, sorry. I see Flow has, as usual, been dispensing fantastic advice.

The thread is getting very big and slow to load. Shall I start another one and see who is still around and wants to talk?

Foxy, is it worth keeping money/cards etc locked up?

igotaway, I am so very sorry sad. It's shit isn't it, having to watch them be so unhappy. I can't believe the implication that "if the drugs don't work, obviously you aren't depressed" - not all drugs help all people. And "a cycle of negativity" I would have thought would be the very definition of depression [baffled]

madondogs, not much help but shed-loads of sympathy. There probably is no way to stop them, sadly.

foxy6 Thu 05-Sep-13 18:45:47

dh has just left the house to march ds to the police station for stealing. we have a problem with him taking money without asking or after being told no and toady he took £10 out of my bank and dh has had enough. hopefully it will scare the s* out of him and he will think twice next time, but somehow i don't think so.
the all problem is ds4 whio is 6 is now crying that he wont see his brother again. ive tried explaining that he will and that his bro needs to be told to be good by someone else but he has problems understanding stuff anyway. will just have to give him lots of hugs instead.

flow4 Tue 03-Sep-13 08:18:24

Oops, I had accidentally hidden the thread! blush

Mad, my son was doing that a couple of years ago, so I know how desperate it feels. (You can search for my old threads if you want to see what was going on). For us, the solution was him finding something he wanted to do, and me giving him an ultimatum that he had to do something constructive with his days or I would throw him out. It took over a year for me to get that desperate, because I knew throwing him out would make things worse for him, but it got to the point where things were so bad it felt the only option.

flow4 Tue 03-Sep-13 07:41:08

Is anyone else finding that this thread doesn't appear in the topic list any more? (Or is it just a glitch on my new phone?)

flow4 Tue 03-Sep-13 07:32:20

Just bumping cos I realized madondogs hasn't had any responses. How's things, mad?

And how is everyone else?

Madondogs Thu 15-Aug-13 16:20:30

I think Ds is taking drugs again. Posted back in April that he had confessed to taking Mephadrome.I had been suspicious for months. Anyway agreed to see drugs counsellor and it all seemed to go well .
He was back to his old self .
However, I began to have suspicions that he may be back on it a few weeks ago. He denied it of course.
We are currently on holiday, and the day we left I am 100% certain he had taken something. ... Again he totally denied it.
Just looked at his phone as he is out surfing with his dad, txting about having a 'sesh' when he comes home , but saying he only has £120 ! The person he is txting says that will be ok.
Advice would be v gratefully received.
Feel so desperate.

foxy6 Sun 11-Aug-13 19:04:48

thanks I am unsure what to do dh called them last week about ds and they sent a letter saying to contact them to make an appointment. I also have a Dr appointment for ds Tuesday and will not be leaving until they agree to make a referal for psychological assessment. we just seem to go round and round in circles with ds. he takes one step forward and the two back.

themidwife Sat 10-Aug-13 09:42:16

Yes they gave me (& him) a lot of support & advice.

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