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MaryZ's support thread for parents of troubled teenagers - Part 2 here's to a peaceful 2013

(811 Posts)
Maryz Tue 01-Jan-13 15:57:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MuchBrighterNow Wed 13-Mar-13 15:59:59

Whattodo.. that sounds awful. I understand what you are going through. My ds is a total arse too... I hate the way he behaves SO, So much...

It sounds like your Ds has made an effort over the last year. If it was my ds i think i'd say how shocked and dissapointed I was by his behaviour and that the only reason I hadn't called the police was because I had been proud of the way that he'd turned his life around. I would make him pay for the bowl and tell him if he ever pulls a stunt like that again I'd make sure he's arrested !

Midwife99 Wed 13-Mar-13 18:33:31

Sigh ..... DS back in prison after assaulting his ex gf & 2 police officers & head butting a 13 year old girl. His solicitor phoned & asked if he could be bailed to my address. I have 2 very young DDs. sad

Whattodowithit Wed 13-Mar-13 19:43:20

Thanks for your words of support. I am still so upset about yesterday and need a bit more ranting, then I'll be off. Please ignore: I just need to get it off my chest...

I am so fed up with this lad. He’s a deeply unpleasant housemate, now that there are only the 2 of us (one older sister has been abroad for nearly a year, the other is at Uni). Most of the time he wanders round with headphones in and he doesn’t speak to me for days on end. I say hello, how are you, how was your day stuff to him whenever our paths cross, but often don’t get a response, possibly because of his headphones, but he sees me speaking. However much he pisses me off, I speak to him with courtesy and never swear. He tells me to f* off frequently. I tell him that is an unacceptable way to speak to anyone, especially his mother. He tells me to f* off some more. I give up. I get out of his way so that the situation doesn’t accelerate. I’m still frightened of him, despite him not being physically aggressive towards me for some time now.

I know that some fights are not worth fighting. I’ve been through foul teens with both of his sisters before him in different ways, and I am wiser to this crap. (His sisters, btw, are so, so much better and nicer now than when they were this age: there is light at the end of the tunnel!) I have a lock to my bedroom door so he can’t steal from me, but sometimes I let my guard down and mostly regret it. It’s no way to live. The last time he kicked off, he threw a loaf of bread I’d just baked, which fell into many pieces on the floor, much to the delight of the dogs. It had taken 3 hours to make from start to finish. I cried at the futility of his act. The time before, he found my mobile ‘phone case which I’d accidentally left out and took the credit card I’d hidden in it, put it in the dog’s basket to chew, nicked the £40 I had hidden in the pocket (I no longer keep money in my purse just in case I forget to leave it locked in my room) and chucked the case over the fence. The things he does are just so spiteful.

Our clashes are mainly to do with him leaving the joint parts of the house in such a mess. I don’t clean or go in to his bedroom: he can live in his own filth if he chooses, on a bare stinking mattress because he’s too lazy to put clean sheets on. I clean the bathroom he uses about once a month when it’s too skanky to ignore any more. The main bug bear is the crockery and cutlery he leaves in the front room, on the coffee table and stuffed down the side of the sofa, food and all, and in the kitchen, all over the work surfaces so that there is no space to do anything. I am not asking him to walk half a mile to collect water in a bucket, heat it over a fire he’s lit from sticks he’s rubbed together, and then wash his plates. I’m asking him to angry PUT THEM IN THE DISHWASHER angry underneath where he leaves them. Rant over. Except now I’m one food processor bowl down because of this.

To all accounts, he’s a popular lad at school, one of the best class jokers, as polite as these kids are to the teachers, and now that he’s attending school again he looks set for University – and that’s what’s keeping me going, really, the thought that there is only another 18 months of this. I've had this in one guise or another, from one child or another, for going on years now. I'm worn down by it.

He used to spend hours and hours on his computer/playstation, overeating, and my heart broke for him as I thought his increasing weight made him extremely unhappy. But, he started working out and eating sensibly since his night in the slammer, and has lost about 4 stone in a year. He looks amazing, and I have told him so.

His hatred and aggression seem to be completely directed at me and, although I can cry about how unfair it is, I really have no idea as to what I have done to him (apart from be amicably separated from his Dad for the last ~7 years). I must be doing something wrong. If you can see it, and I can’t, please tell me. This was my little boy, who I couldn’t get out of sleeping in my bed until he was nearly 8, and now I am fearful of him and close to hating him.

Last year, I met a ‘friend of a friend’ family when we delivered their ~25 year old son back from the airport after a long holiday. His mum’s face lit up when he arrived back, she almost shrieked his name and they smiled, kissed and hugged each other. I felt so envious of their obvious love and good relationship with each other. I don’t think I will ever have that with my son.

Self absorbed rant over. Thanks for allowing me to let it out. Time for wine

Footface Wed 13-Mar-13 19:56:07

midwife what a shitty position to be in. Their is no right or wrong choice. When I said no to my step son it was such a difficult choice to make and one the filled me with anxiety and guilt. I'm sorry that doesn't help much. But I understand what your going through

Midwife99 Wed 13-Mar-13 19:58:32

He's been told repeatedly that he is not considered a safe adult to live with children by SS or me!!

MuchBrighterNow Thu 14-Mar-13 11:34:01

really furious .. need to rant. Just found Ds missed school yesterday so as that was his last last chance he's very likely to be expelled... such an idiot as inspite of doing zero work he was doing well enough to scrape through and get his bacalauriate.

I had arranged, with her agreement, to take his girlfriend ( he refused to go) angryto the family planning clinic yesterday afternoon... taking time off work to do so.... but they both cried off as due to a change in timetables they both had school......

Now I find out they were both bunking off school in town pissing about all afternoon and could easily have gone... ( they have both admitted to me they are not very careful about contraception)

He is such a fuck up. I hear him go outside at 6 in the morning to hit his first bong. I am so so sick of him, nothing I do can alter his behaviour... I wish he would just go away sad

TimidLivid Sat 16-Mar-13 18:01:36

muchbrighter hope your anger has gone away a bit, I understand how you are trying to help them not make it any worse. Its bloody awful, when there is a barrier and they wont let you in to help them its the worst feeling.

katfinks Sat 16-Mar-13 19:22:18

not the first time i have posted but is the first time on this thread, bit long sorry, 14 dd , moved in with her dad 12 months ago, spoaradic in all dc's life (apart from ds1 who moved in with him 18 months ago at this point, ds1 got sen behavioural issues and everything had been tried apart from living with his dad) since divorce nearly 6 years ago, lots of mind games, too much to mention especially with dd and ds2. so he (dad) decided to move back into the area, he had lived away abroad and down south, dd started being rude, disruptive, quite bad behaviour as soon as she heard he was moving back into town. a couple of weeks later she stayed out all night, never done it before, police were called, they checked every where as it was not her common behaviour, canal, fields woods ect as well as her friends and family, luckily she turned up at school the following morning. her behaviour continued being bad, then she ran away again, this time her dad found her and brought her home, in the car on the way home he told dd that i said she HAD to go to live with him (this was never said) and when they got back to mine he told me that dd had said she wanted to live with him. ( she says she never said that and the truth only came out at xmas) so she went to live with him, it lasted 3 months (dd refused to talk to me in all this time apart from to be nasty or rude then she reported him to ss for battering her (no proof but she came back home). since returning home it has been one nightmare after another. causing trouble with family and friends, listening to conversations and twisting them to cause trouble, 25 kids before xmas were at my door waiting to batter her, stealing from grandparents, they have fallen out twice with her and are not speaking at the minute, she has no respect for anyone. talks to people like they are something from the bottom of her shoe constantly. She assaulted me xmas eve (warned by the police if she assaults anyone again she will be arrested) she as since hit her brother becasue she wasnt getting her own way, threatened her aunt, her aunt no longer talks to her, her other aunt and uncle dont want her at their house for any lenght of time.she is moving schools on tuesday, bullying? she was stealing out of people's bags and got caught so they battered her. school was really supportive but they have had enough of her and have agreed to let her move 12 months ago they refused to sign paperwork. she is rude to teachers, the police everyone, she really thinks she needs no-one, i know this is an act. before all of this she was everyones favourite, everybody had loads of time for her she was an amazing child. None of her dads family are talking to her, blanking her in the street, her dad tried to talk to her at xmas she slammed the door in his face (loads of background with her dad, and ds1 is now back at mine because he was not being parented, cared for properly) ds1 is coping really well with the change. their dad has had no contact with dc for 2 months, and wont, ss are still trying to find out what actuallly was going on in the house with my ds1, his dad, gf and baby. i know she is trying to test us to see how far she can push us away til we leave her and disown but has anyone got any tips.she has had group councelling but quit after a few weeks partly because she continued to make false allegations against her dad, the councellor said she didnt need it and also because it was group and she wanted individual. As well as all this she is constantly attention seeking, pretending to self harm, ie no intent to injure, and school as said it is a trend that is going around, she is confused over who she is and is having a identity crisis, short hair boys clothes) not to worried about this, but false allegations, self harming, trouble making. She is also really upset about dads family not talking to her (no relationship in the past apart fro mthe 3 months she lived with him) then my side of the family that have been there for her since day one, any advice please, i am going to contact new school on tuesday to see if they can arrange councelling for her. thankyou

katfinks Sat 16-Mar-13 19:39:02

sorry forgot to add, her attendance at school is awful, late all the time, pretends to be ill in the morning or she goes in then fakes sickness to get sent home. i'm looking at fines ect it's that bad, spoke to her as have school, other family members ect about her attendance and what will happen to her and me and she doesnt care. Think she would be amused if i got sent to prison sad this is another reason school have allowed her to move. she threatened in a school meeting that if she wasnt move she wasnt going to go in. if i ground her she goes out anyway by any means possible so it's futile to ground her, she had a contract phone ran up a huge bill so i put a paygo sim in it, we think she has since sold the phone for cigs, she has a laptop no internet though as she got into trouble on facebook, pocket money is tied into her behaviour and school attendance, so she doesnt get this often. ive a lock on my bedroom door to stop her stealing but she is stealing from other family members and possibly friends. if i talk to her about anything especially what she is doing and her behaviour she twists stuff ie she punched a wall and told an a&e nurse that i said she had anger issues, i didnt, i told her she neede to control her anger. my partner is in the army and we were having a private conversation about ptsd (she was in the other room) and she told her grandparents that we had said she was suffering from ptsd and "red mist". she talks all the time but another thing that she has said is "i dont like talking about stuff" she will talk all night about how badly she is done to and how she feels ect if she has an audience. i'm scared to talk to her(because of her twisting things, blatently making things up ect) but i do know it is important so i have asked her to write a journal so she has an outlet and if she wants me to read it i will but only if she wants me to.she is taking up som much of my energy at the min, i have 3 other children who demand my attention and i feel like she is draining me so please any advice will be greatly received thankyou.

supersec Sun 17-Mar-13 00:07:02

I need some advice again please. I posted on here around 10 days ago that I had to kick our 17 year old son out as he had given my younger son who is 14 MDMA and had persisted in bringing cannabis into the house whenever we went out - although I probably only found it a few times in 6 months. Younger one has been smoking cannabis for around 18 months (we didn't have a clue - kept it extremely well hidden) was excluded and now has to go for counselling.

I was adamant he wasn't coming back but things aren't going too well at his godfather's. He has gone back "stoned" 2 out of the 5 nights he has stayed there (he will not let him stay there at weekends) and he is not willing to put up with it- he is not always in and is afraid he may burn the house down or something stupid like that, which is understandable.

He has missed most of college since we kicked him out, but it is his last 10 weeks and he is going to fail anyway, as he was never interested and wasn't capable of a levels. It is the second weekend of his part time job and fingers crossed they haven't sacked him yet.

We need to find him somewhere to live which would mean a shared house nearby as that is the cheapest option but I am worried the shit will really hit the fan. I don't really want him to live at home again because of my younger son - we need to concentrate on him now but I am worried things will deteriorate rapidly if my son moves to a room. I doubt he will get a full time job and the drug use will probably increase.

He also owes his grandad hundreds of pounds that he stolen from him. He doesn't think he has a problem with drugs as all his friends smoke cannabis every day and some of their parents don't even know.

My husband is really against this but I said maybe we should give him another chance (that is if he begs to come back - he may not) with massive conditions that he has no friends back at the house, has no key, engages in drugs counselling etc etc. Like I said above our youngest has to engage in drugs counselling because of his cannabis use and we can't be seen to let the oldest in looking obviously stoned and stinking of cannabis.

I have said to my husband that it is early days to completely write him off as he hasn't even left college yet properly and got a full time job. He is still only 17(18 in July) and has plenty of time to turn everything around. I think you have to live in hope but my husband is still extremely angry that he stole hundreds, perhaps a lot more, from his grandad. I think this is a chance to force him to pay it all back if he lives at home - he will be earning nearly £100 a week from his weekend job and we would make him pay back £50 a week. If this would possibly affect getting my youngest son back on track, then we will have to accept this and he will have to move to rented accommodation. He will have to pay for this if he managed to get somewhere at 17. If he screwed things up at a rented house he would end up on the streets, which I don't want. I don't want him to have his own flat either as this could be even more problematic.

My husband spoke briefly to him last week when he dropped off some food and he said he didn't have a problem with drugs and could stop smoking cannabis whenever he wanted. Surely if he gets a full time job/apprenticeship he wouldn't balls it up for cannabis? I have read on here that most eventually get bored of it as they get older.

I know no-one else can tell me the "right" thing to do but I am worried the stress of wondering what will happen to him will be worse than the stress if he lives at home and has one more chance. Maybe I feel I will be more in control then - I really don't know.

In any event I think he needs a few more weeks away from home for things to sink in - he has only been gone 10 days. In the last 10 days I have been more worried about the youngest one and what will become of him.

Footface Sun 17-Mar-13 19:17:20

Hi supersec I can only offer advice from my experience.

It took me ages to realise that you have no control over other people's behaviour, ( that isn't meant to sound rude). What I mean is if your son comes back to live with you you still won't have any control over him, this used to cause me huge frustration as couldn't ds see I was only trying to help...

With our ds we got him a room in a shared house. He kicked the door off after 3 weeks and did end up homeless and on the streets for a period of time.

Would your son come back on the condition that he got help and that no drugs were brought in the house.?

Or is their any other family he can stay with to give you a bit more time?

supersec Sun 17-Mar-13 19:55:17

I know what you mean Footface about the control but I cling onto some hope.

There isn't another family he can stay with, I am hoping his godfather will let him stay there until after Easter and we will see what happens. His grandad phoned him up this morning (at my husband's insistence) to tell him he wants £50 a week until he has paid off what he stole. In an ideal world if there were no problems he could be living above his grandad at the moment as there is an empty self contained flat, but obviously this is out of the question.

IF he did come back (and WE are not going to approach him about this) it would be on the condition that he went for counselling, even though he says he doesn't have a problem as all his friends are doing the same. He would have to get a full time job, he would have no key (as I wouldn't trust him in the house with my younger son) and on the condition he paid back at least £500 to his grandad. And certainly no drugs and not even any friends round anymore as they can'[t be trusted.

I am worried that he is in a lot deeper than we think as we found numbers for coke and charlie on his phone. He sold his playstation in December and his dad very stupidly gave him £150 cash at Christmas (this was before we found out the stealing) He is a completely closed book, always has been, so we don't know exactly what he is doing. I think he got though £450 in 4 - 5 weeks and we don't know what on.

On the plus side, there were no behavioural problems or anger issues for the last 18 months, in fact we were all out together as a family on the saturday and sunday before we threw him out. He also got a job when I forced him to do so and gave him a list of places to try. He also went to see a couple of agencies about apprenticeships when I pointed him in the right direction. There will be no chance I think of him doing this if he is not living with us.

I just think that 17 is too early to write him off and maybe if he sticks to the rules (if he doesn't agree then we can't consider having him back) we can keep him on the straight and narrow a bit longer. I think things will go badly downhill if he lives in a shared house - some will now allow him anyway as is under 18 and I don't want to start lying. I sent a txt to someone advertising a room and she said she would want to know the reasons why he had to live outside the family home as he was only 17.

supersec Sun 17-Mar-13 20:01:40

I meant to say that we threw him out at the beginning of December for a week as he practically kicked the door down one Monday night at 1 am in the morning as we had locked up and put the alarm on. His dad wanted to kill him, he was so angry, so we told him to go.

He never did that since and stuck to his 11 pm curfew time mid week.

So I suppose that's another positive.

I just don't understand why he had to majorly cock everything up by giving his brother MDMA - he obviously thought I would never in a million years find out - and it was only a by a pure fluke that I did.

Footface Sun 17-Mar-13 21:17:19

There are a lot of positives on his side, and hopefully it was a laspe I'm judgement.
You could sit down with him before he comes and explain the expectations giving him time to think before he comes back, so there aren't any options for miss communication. As this was often manipulated in our house.

MuchBrighterNow Sun 17-Mar-13 21:22:01

I'm so saddened by how much we are all suffering here, it's so , so hard dealing with these situations..I'm sending out a virtual hug to all of you who are living this difficult teen reality.

I don't know how much we can help each other as we are all so emotionally worn out by our own dramas. It does help me to share and know that I am not alone in living this reality....

DS 17 totally lost it big time this weekend, had us all completely terorised, raging and breaking things, behaving irrationally in between fits of uncontrolable crying, on and on for hours and hours... wasn't sure if he needed police or dr.

Called the emergency dr who ds refused to engage with apart from abusing verbally. Dr witnessed some of Ds behaviour and thinks ds may be bipolar.

Ds then hitched off into town and came back today in a really happy energised mood as if nothing had happened angry not sure if that's a clue to him being bipolar or if he's taken mood enhancing drugs., he was very animated though slurring his words a bit.

I made the most of his good mood to get him to agree, very unwillingly, to see a dr this week.. it's all our fault because we send him mad.... so hopefully that will lead somewhere as things are spiralling out of control here.

stig0fthedump Fri 22-Mar-13 19:39:58

I'm new here. I have a boy of 14 (6'2'') who has been extremely difficult over the last few months. So far it is all in the home and we have no issues outside or at school. In many ways he is a model student with lots of outside activities and interests which just makes it that much harder to get professionals interested.

I found this article quite helpful on understanding some of his behaviours and how our reaction as parents can make matters worse. There is a section on family therapy that I also found useful.

I think the aggression discussed in the article can be anything from physical, verbal or emotional. In my case we have seen all three although we mostly get verbal and emotional...

I'm interested in what others think...


flow4 Fri 22-Mar-13 21:59:36

katfinks, I've just noticed that no-one responded to your posts sad
I don't have anything to say that I haven't said before, but I didn't want to leave your post unanswered, because you're obviously having a really tough time with your DD.

It might be worth you reading this old thread. What you are saying reminds me a lot of posts that Brightspark1 made there (and elsewhere. And Bright, if you're still reading this thread, hello, and hope you and DD are doing OK smile ).

14 seems to be the worst age for girls kat, if they're going to be trouble at all. It's really hard to know where to start with advice when you've got so much going on, but that thread (and reading back through this one) will give you some ideas. One key point that we keep on coming back to is look after yourself . It's really hard to remember and manage, when you're so tied up with dealing with your kids, but it's absolutely essential.

supersec, there's a difference between control and influence. IME, we lose control of our kids around this point - they have to learn to control themselves - but we continue to have influence - giving 'moral messages' that will stay with them, and help them grow up into decent adults, even if they are being totally shitty teenagers now.

FWIW, when I was at the same point you're at now with my own DS1, it was this issue of influence that decided matters for me: I knew all the other company he was keeping was worse; I knew that wherever else he stayed, there would be more drugs, more dossing, fewer positive influences, no 'moral guidance'. I felt that the risks to him if I threw him out were greater than the risks to me and DS2 if he stayed. So I didn't throw him out. Or rather, I did, twice - but I let him come back.

It is an impossible equation. It's very personal. Your decisions aren't mine. The bottom line, IMO, is that we hang on in there with them until we can't any more. Maybe those thoughts will help you decide.

Brighter, it sounds like you're having a really hard time with your DS at the mo. I'm sorry. It does sound like he has some mental health problems now - though I think it's sometimes not possible to distinguish MH problems from drug abuse. I have seen my DS behave completely psychotically when he's been 'coming down' - very worrying. But now he's using much less (and perhaps now that his hormones have settled a bit) and he hasn't had one of those major losses of control since last summer. There is hope.

I hope you can get him to a GP, or better still CAMHS. It does sound like he could do with a psychological assessment, and once he turns 18, he'll be into adult mental health services, and I think support will be even more difficult to get...

I wish everyone a peaceful weekend. smile

stig0fthedump Fri 22-Mar-13 22:59:00

Like brighter we've had the uncontrollable rages and destructive behaviour interspersed with crying also. We had a referral to CAMHS who assessed us and decided it wasn't something they could help with. So we are now at Relate instead (who are great). Trouble is DS won't attend family therapy sessions so what to do. Dr has given us a private referral to psych but then still have the problem of convincing him he needs to go.

stig0fthedump Fri 22-Mar-13 23:12:32

katfinks something you said struck a chord. For years I have found DS takes 80% of my time. I have other kids and it is not fair on them. Not much help I know but I know how stressful it can be.

katfinks Sat 23-Mar-13 17:10:19

thanks flow and stig , had an horrendous 48 hours with her but will message again when i have a bit more time. it's so nice having somewhere to just rant and know i am not alone with a problem dd, so thankyou so much for replying. smile

MuchBrighterNow Sat 23-Mar-13 21:27:10

Thanks flow,

Hope things have calmed down a bit for you Katfinks.

Hi Stig.. I understand how it's really hard to get people to take your concerns seriously when the DC are ok at school and in the outside world and save all the other behaviour for at home. Ds was a bit Jekl and hyde for years but now he doesn't care who sees him ranting.

goldcorn Sun 24-Mar-13 21:31:59

Hello I read this thread as it contains good advice. I am totally at a loss what to do next. Can anyone help me? My 13 year old daughter has not been to school since the end of November. She had a problem with being torn between 2 groups of friends. She says no-one did anything horrible to her but she felt awkward with the first group. Everything was ok until last Easter when she started not wanting to go to school. She gradually had more and more time off. By October she had stopped seeing any friends out of school even those who don't go to her school. She has always loved going out with friends. In November she had a sort of panic attack in the car outside school and has not been since. She would not see a Dr and so we were fined even though school knew she was not truanting. Eventually in Feb a Dr did a home visit and gave her a note to say not fit for school due to anxiety and reactive depression. A cam h s appointment came a couple of weeks ago after 3 month wait. But she would not go so her dad and I did. They said they would do a home visit but next day phoned and said could not do home visit. We now have another appointment for Wed if she doesn't go no help will be offered. A home school tutor has been in every day last week but my daughter would not see her. If she doesn't see her in next week this too will be withdrawn. The only way we might get her to do anything is to get my husband's mum to make her. Daughter is scared of her and might go then but this very traumatic for daughter. Should we get mum in law anyway as last hope. Daughter has not left house or seen friends since Christmas,. She never gets dressed. What can I do.

stig0fthedump Sun 24-Mar-13 22:26:04

goldcorn CAMHS know how hard it is to get kids to see professionals and the home visit would have solved that. Did they say why they had withdrawn this?

stig0fthedump Sun 24-Mar-13 22:33:04

Another thing that I find very helpful is keeping a behaviour diary. It is easy to lose track of the rants and tantrums and at some point you need to be able to describe the behaviour in detail to someone who may be looking for patterns. The diary does help and I use it to keep track of the nice behaviour also. I also record when I've spoken to school, Dr etc.

Finally it does help me feel like I am doing something. It is really easy to feel you have lost any control. Filling out the diary does make me feel I am able to do something and that helps me feel I still have a little bit of control.

katfinks Mon 25-Mar-13 00:51:41

well had about the worst 4 days ever!!...dd stole my ecig found out on thursday but no idea when. told her she had 24 hours to return it if she didnt she would get no easter money or pocket money until she had paid for it. so she became abusive , verbally then she squared up to me, her face in mine screaming abuse, i walked away she went into garden still screaming abuse, told her to leave and closed door, so she picks up 4 yr olds toys , scooter ride along ext and throws them at door, tell her to leave again not rainsing my voice ext so she threatens me, i rang police due to the assault at xmas, they respond within 3 mins, at this point she has come back into house locked herself in bathroom, police talk her into letting them in and she has self- harmed. instead of arresting her for breach of the peace they take her to a and e, i cant go with her cos i made the call, all of my family refuse to go with her, she is assesses by cahms and ss is informed. ss after explaing situation to them, with regards to my getting to the hospital bring her home on friday. she is rude to sw, attitudal, argumentative with me, calls sw a liar, apparently she didnt want to come home, sw says that she did!! told me she was going out, sw tries to reason with her and got no where, she was swearing at me, and started ds1 (12) . she goes out but does come home early after threatening not to, to me and sw.

saturday she leaves at 1 rings at 8.30 told me she wasnt coming home, told her if she wasnt home for 9.30 police were being rang, sw advised this the night before, she slams phone down but rings back 2 mins later , effinf this effing that, all kind of name calling, telling me she needs to sort her effing head out. warns her calmy that police will be called if she is not home for 9.30 and i ended the call. she didnt come home police were called and she medium risk due to self harming, she doesnt return till........

sunday 8pm. open door she comes in like everythings fine, "where you been ? " nice as pie, "what the f* as it got to do with you!!" "ok you can talk to the police"
call police tell them she home, officer will be with you within the hour. dd goes upsatirs while i'm on phone, she self harmed again, superficial wounds again so tell her to come down because the police are coming which she does do. she then tells me that her friends mum's bf is sexually assaulting the friend and as been for 2 years, told dd that it was nice of her to support friend but it not her responsibility and she can inform the police when they turn up, explain to dd that she is not helping her friend by protecting the abuser (personally think it is another lie she is telling so many and her firend is the same ) copper was entering house as this was being said. he read her the riot act, told her she was selfish , immature and childish ,said dd was being nice to friend by sticking by her but she also had responsibilities and told her what to do next time. told me to ignore the abuse claim as it up to other childs parents to inform police. showing copper to door and she goes up stairs and self harms again!!! deeper this time so a and e again, she knows i cant go up with her, got three other dc's all younger and in bed, dad doesnt want anything to do with them cos of abuse allegations (untrue) said by dd , have no babysitter, no family as they all have kids, and i dont drive, so bil took her to hospitol and waited, she been admitted due to self harming again, superficial cuts so they are just being cleaned, cahms rang, meeting with them at hospital in morning, rang emergency sw who is lovely and as history in mental health.
BIL just got in from hospital dd is being rude to doctors, turning water works on and off, like a tap, telling lies, she told doctor she been self harming for 2 years she not it's only been 3 weeks. she is very proud of the scars and loves the attention!! found out that she went upstairs while i was arranging transport shown ds1(12) and ds2(9) what she had done!!! so had to talk to them about it sad
she is constantly lying, about everything told me her bf is smoking weed and tried to force it on her on friday night thsi is ds1 friend so she thought i would stop him coming round, spoke to bf and he wasnt even out friday confirmed by his dad!!!!!!!!
she had councelling at schoo l and quit, been offered cahms councelling, saying she doesnt want it, threatened medical staff, police but not directlyshe is just plain rude and vile to them.

panicking now, what she going to lie about next, and when she has noone to tke her hospital when she does it again what do i do? i cant leave dc's , cant wake them up and have noone willing to have them because it benefits dd and my mum is ill, dad works away and sisters work and have own family only driver availabel is BIL and i dont blame them and why should they for her who is thriving on the attention, ss is aware and are being supportive but what about when they stop being nice and supportive?

there is alot more to this story but ive only slept for about 4 hours since wednesday so my brain is shutting down but any advise please would be great.
thankyou .

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