MaryZ's support thread for parents of troubled teenagers - Part 2 here's to a peaceful 2013(811 Posts)
i really need someone today , this is a very bad day
ds2 was upset and stressing this morning over something trivial , not trivial to him obviously probably because of his aspergers. it resulted in him threatening to smash my face in and although he didnt hurt me he threw me on the bed , poked me in the face , tipped my furniture up and broke a mirror.
i rang 999
i told the police i was sorry i had rung , i am sorry i rang but i had decided on natural consequences so , swearing we created a swear jar , damaging things he has to pay and aggression the police .
the police came but ds2 had legged it by then . They went for a look around and said if he doesnt show in a reasonable amount of time report him missing .
he has turned up at school which i thought was the last place . slotted into his lesson like nothings happened it seems.
hes been texting me though saying that he hates me and we are finished etc etc
the way his aspergers brain works he will mean it and never forgive me i am sure and also it wont change his behaviour i dont think.
i am dreading him coming home i have no idea what to do anymore and i feel physically sick.
Thrifty - you should be apologising for calling the police when he attacked you!! He should apologising not sending you abusive texts! I don't think that just because our teens have ADHD or AS or whatever they shouldn't have to face the consequences of their actions. Dial 101 & arrange for a local officer to come & give him a talking to. You must feel pretty shaken up so I hope you have RL support today.
Sorry thrifty - I meant to say you should NOT be apologising for calling the police!!
Thrifty, you say you are dreading him coming home. Is he back by now? If not, do you have to let him back? I refused for several days after I had my son arrested, because I knew he was still very angry and I did not know whether it would be safe. I felt like I was a very Bad Mother (and he and others reinforced that) but I did not know what else to do. And it did at least show him clearly how desperate and serious I was.
With luck, even though he's brazening it out, he will have realised you're serious about the 'no aggression' rule.
It is very, very, very hard, but (if it's any consequence) it sounds like you're doing the right thing. I think your natural consequences idea sounds excellent (though I wouldn't do the swearing one - partly because it would cost me a fortune! ) - really simple and clear to understand and follow.
After his arrest, my DS texted me with "I'm in the back of a police car thanks to you bitch". He followed that over the course of the next 4-5 days with loads of other angry, abusive messages about how everything was my fault and how he'd never forgive me. I think many people (not just teens) say "I hat you" when really they mean "I am furious with you". Like Maryz says, you can ignore, or counter these with calm facts, e.g.:
"I'm in the back of a police car thanks to you bitch" --> "No, you're in the back of a police car because you smashed the house up and threatened me".
"I can't believe you had me arrested c*nt" --> "I told you I would if you were violent again".
"I hate you, you're ruining my life" --> "I know you are very angry with me. But the only person who can ruin your life is you".
"What kind of mother calls the police on her own son" --> "I can't control you - you have to control yourself. And if you don't, I have to call for reinforcements".
Like Maryz says, his anger will die down. Deep down he probably knows he was out of order. I have come to realise that my son get more angry if he knows he's in the wrong.
Hope tonight is calmer.
Hi all, My worse fears have been realised. I found drugs in DDs bedroom. I have contacted the school and they are trying to put some help in place. I can hardly speak to anyone, I feel sick to my stomach.
Agree try and keep it quiet from the school, they really will not be helpful.
Have no experience of drugs but there must be a helpline.
Maryz I think you've muddled me with someone else. I have had no idea about drugs and while DD behaviour has been challenging I really dont think it was drugs related. This is totally new. She has admitted to smoking weed twice.
The school seem to think that someone has given them to her and have said that she will not be expelled unless she brings them into school.
She has been spoken to by the police who are going along the lines of prevention rather than arresting her.
What sort of drugs were they? My sympathy is with you it's every parents nightmare. What has your daughter said about it?
I found wrappers that looked like white powder had been in it and another had weed in it. DD has said she's smoked weed twice. Her boyfriend smokes it. She had a load of kids round but won't say who they were. I smelt it as soon as I walked in.
I'm sorry Doin, you must be very worried about this. Dunno if information helps, but in case it does...
The white powder is probably M-CAT/mephedrone but could also be MDMA, aphetamines/speed or (if someone in your DD's circle has plenty of money) cocaine.
The weed, if it smells strong, is probably skunk. Skunk is a form of cannabis, as you probably know. It has been chemically modified to add more of the 'psycho-active' ingredient THC. It can be nasty stuff imo.
In my experience, there are two very different types of drug user: ones who use drugs at weekends or at the end of a day to 'wind down', and ones who use drugs daily and throughout a day to 'block out'. Many teens manage to use drugs to 'wind down' and still keep their lives, work, relationships and studies on track. Other teens over-use and mis-use drugs to 'block out' the bits of their lives they do not like, and often end up with serious problems.
It is probably worth trying to work out which group your DD belongs to. If it's the first, then she will probably be OK. If she's in the second group, this is more worrying. I know many teens, including my son, who have gone badly off track, and drugs have played a major part in this.
It seems to me that the 'key factor' is whether on not a teen has things in his/her life that motivate him/her enough not to let drug misuse ruin anything. Once they find a 'passion' or something they really want to do, they seem to be able to stop using drugs, or keep any drug use under control. If your DD (or any teen) doesn't have something in her life that she loves, then she's more at risk I think.
Thank you flow . I'm still reeling at the moment . I think ( and I stress think) that its a bit of experimenting . She said she has tried weed twice and has promised never to do so again . I don't know if I believe her and am not so naive as to take my eye off the ball. She denies all knowledge of the bag of white powder . I am questioning her in dribs and drabs as it inflames things if I interrogate her too much. I need to keep everything as calm as possible.
not had chance to get back on here until now but thanks for the advice and kind words. I was gobsmacked he had gone to school on Tuesday , i thought he had probably gone in the end because it was snowing and he was too scared of the police to come home but he says he went straight to school . another brilliant one by school who failed to let me know he had arrived there even though i had let them know what was happening.
when he came home he was all sorry , i just couldnt face ringing the police again , i know stupid , but i am so knackered and mixed up with it all. He wanted to hug me and then play xbos !
I am sticking to my guns with the damage , he has a gift card from xmas so ive taken that to use to buy a new mirror with and he has been told he has to go out with his dad to get it on saturday.
hes asked me to buy him a punch bag , saying that it might help him when hes angry but tbh im not sure it will.
He gets some money each day providing hes been behaving but tonight he was shouting at us about something and being generally arsy so i told him he hadnt earned it today , he has to be 100 % polite and he started getting crazy about it being unfair etc etc . i thought we were in for another meltdown but managed to ignore it and then create a distraction.
maryz , i can get what your saying about the anger thing and also trying to be less emotional . hard though as i am a very emotional sort of person at the best of times !
flow , i have to have him back . theres nowhere else for him and tbh i cant stop worrying when hes anywhere else anyway as he relies on me alot with having AS i think and also epilepsy worries me . He seems to be more like a 10 year old than a 13 year old in some ways .
i am wondering if the fact that i actually called the police might have some effect , probably deluding myself but we will see..
My DD has deteriorated since turning 13 and is now falling out with everyone, terrible mood swings, obnoxious at home, hormonal and addicted to the internet. She has started refusing to go to school and I fail to make her go, and now she is missing out on substantial quantities of work. She has a 17 year old boyfriend who she met online and seems to have no ambitions, no aims or dreams. She looks terrible and sometimes cuts her arms. Is this normal or teenage stuff or are we having it particularly bad? I don't know as I don't have many friends with kids the same age.
Do you think the pill would help? I only have experience of me taking it, and it drove me crazy! Do most kids like this come right in the end or can it all carry on in to adulthood? I am worried she will ruin the start of her adult life :-(
Hi everyone, I just thought I'd come back and tell you that ds was diagnosed with autism on Wednesday. Although I suspected he was asd I honestly thought that the results would come back inconclusive as he's very clever at appearing normal when he has to.
But they came back very clear, the assessor says it was obvious to them that he was autistic he met all the criteria and they had specific concerns about his lack of empathy and his social understanding amongst other things
I am relieved. And gutted. And I don't know where to go from here. Poor boy also had ADHD.
I've been reading for weeks now and thinking to myself "at least I don't have to call the police". Now I'm in a whole other place
DS2 has got in a furious rage with his brother whilst I was at work and has pulled a knife on him. The way the pair of them told me when I got a hysterical call from DS2 (I think he's scared the living daylights out of himself) was that he stopped before he did any damage but the cuts in DS1's jacket have made me realise he was a lot closer to damage than either of them realised.
I called TAHMS, they work term time (seriously???) and we've not been allocated a case worker yet. They recommend I call the Police if I think any of us are in danger and that I call the GP to see if we can get tracked to CAHMS instead, though she doesn't think it will happen and my request will get bounced back to TAHMS. The way DS2 tells it, he hardly remembers anything, he's terrified about what he did and was sobbing in my arms that he needed help. He's now totally calm and I don't have the strength to start a debate just yet, believe it or not he's curled up on the sofa next to DS1 and they are happy as larry. I know I should do something but I'm in such deep shock I've been rendered numb.
The "What if's?" are utterly terrifying.. The realisation that this isn't anything like teenage angst is startlingly clear, I have no idea what to do and I'm in so much fear for his future, I can't think straight.
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